desperate for help and advice!

[nosferatu]

I am at this infant stage of just having decided that divorce is the only way to end my marriage of 9 years, which has been more then frustrating. We have 2 kids, 8 and 2. As it looks, I will be the one filing for it as my H has been working hard to portray himself as a victim. I have been a full time mum and his hours are very long and unconventional, with frequent travel. I have always felt that the childcare cost plus his nature of work has deprived me of my career. I am now trying to requalify to cover the gap in my cv and move forward.
We have talked about amicable split up and it sounded he was Ok with the idea, but then I discovered a whole ring of e mails that is practically his preparation how to get rid of me and keep the house and the kids, with his family advising him on it. I was in shock, as we are all in good relationship. I nearly drove a car into a wall being so upset. Now of course I can see why he insists of taking kids to school and insisting he spends time with them on weekends, only to e mail his family I refuse to do so.

I have run to CAB but they were too busy to see me. I will try tomorrow. I need to legally check my rights as this can get ugly. I am beginning to see that some solicitors give free first hours too.
I have a job offer to take 7 ph but my childcare is 5 ph. Does anyone have any clue is it better for me to get employed however unprofitable, or stay at home as it can just add to my time being full time mum at home?
ANY help on any issue is appreciated! I am a total separation virgin and needless to say, so upset.

Hi OP. Sorry to hear you are in such a rotten situation. I'm not able to give advice other than get to a solicitor listed on the Resolution website asap but wanted to post to say there are people who will come along and help you. I know this is technically the right place to post but think you might be better in "relationships" for getting responses.

So - bump - and good luck.

I don't know much, but don't panic. He is at the most likely to get 50%, and only then if it can be done practically taking into account schooling. Also courts do not want to take young children from their mothers (and 2 is young). This website might help explain a bit.
I would suggest you start by getting copies of all those emails, print them out. Then also get copies of all bank statements, insurance, mortgage statements etc. that you can. Also gather passports and birth certificates etc. Then you need to store these outside your house, somewhere safe.

You also need to get legal advice asap. As you have now discovered he is not going to play fair, he is not your friend, but also he isn't that clever if he left information on his plans where you could come across it (which is good news).

Good luck!

The courts are all about status quo so the more time he can demonstrate he is with the children the more that will be reflected in how things land. Courts look at the reality of the children's lives. They are all about the children, the children oh and the children. Start keeping a diary urgently and be seen to be reasonable. If it goes to court your behaviour is for the judge, not your ex. Every time you communicate with your ex, respond to the judge not him. Good luck!

I agree with mummytime, start pulling together important documents & emails. Especially evidence of savings & investments as i know of people emptying accounts to hide money from the courts.
Also get yourself a solicitor asap.
And get as much family & friends support you can (though not friends with divided loyalties that might play both sides)
Re work I'm not an expert but I do know that the magic number for getting the best from the benefits system is 16 (work 16 hrs per week)
Good luck

thank you. I have noticed things are wrong as he is spending more and more time with children and he even mentioned that he doesn't want to leave them for more then 4 hours a day on a weekend, which is unusual. I wonder what part the witnesses can play in those situations? I have been solid at home for years, and I always thought that would be enough for courts to see that he works and I don't and it is a simple equasion. He is also texting people about my every move. I copied some of it. I have gone through difficulties and have done some weekend binge drinking and I have a sense that he will play that card. ( I am unable to look after the kids on the weekends etc which is nonsense- he is texting around and emailing so he can leave the "proof" I am an alcoholic,?!?, I am not any different then anyone else on a weekend). I have stopped though as he is monitoring me. There are lots of people who can confirm I am a good responsible full on mum.

I think someone is advising him, that is for sure. I hate to think this can get very dirty and I have no money of my own. I have also heard about 16 hours thing. thanks guys! this is reasurrance.

You can usually get 1/2 hour free legal advice, and I have known people get several free 1/2 hours from different lawyers. I also believe you can charge the legal costs to the settlement or something.
Don't binge drink, alcohol won't help.
But his checking up on your moves etc. is evidence of his unreasonable behaviour, so try and keep evidence of it. Somewhere there is a post from a woman who's ex kept a diary of all the munitae of her life, he produced it in court, and it was laughed at. It is evidence of the person keeping such a diary's unreasonable behaviour.

Could the idea of divorce have made him look at why he's working all these hours and missing out on the children?

If you want to get your career back on track doesn't it make sense for him to share the childcare?

I was painted as an alcoholic in court so I had a liver function test as evidence that I categorically was not. Ironically the barrister who was shot dead by the police on a drunk binge was representing my ex! As you are at home it is easier for him to say anything he likes. However that is his case, you have your case so focus on that. A judge has to way up both views. CAB gives free legal advice so try and learn as much as you can about the process and your situation. Also, I don't know where you are but the RCJ offers an hour with a family lawyer. Also, can you get some part time work so you do have some money yourself? What about asking people who see you in action to write a statement about your abilities as a mother, nothing about him at all just a statement which is about you.

Yes, I think part time job is a good idea, that can also show I am willing to take my life in my own hands.
Feenicks, yes, good idea. I do keep my diary of his innapropriate behaviour, and having been full time mum for so long I can imagine a few people confirming that in writing , if need be.

I am not a lawyer but I think that you should get advice before you take any job. I am in a similar - but reverse - position - I work but my husband has recently lost his job and is not working at all. I am considering divorcing my husband. I have taken advice and have been told that if he starts to look after the children more than I do then this would increase his rights of being the principle carer and therefore the kids could end up living with him and I would be the 'absent' parent - just seeing the kids weekends. I have taken advice from 3 solicitors now and they all say the same thing. So I would say - don't take work until you have sorted the divorce. Also it could undermine any claim that you have for maintenance from him as if you are earning he will claim that he has to pay you less - as you are getting on your feet as a working woman. You should take advice before you do anything in my view. Most solicitors will give you a free hour - ask them - if you have funds - ask the cost - it is worth it. I think that they will also ease your mind about your position with the kids - even with me working and my husband not working I have been given a lot of reassurance that makes me feel a bit less desperate. I know frankly how terrifying it all is - family solicitors have seen it all before and will be on your side - which is what you need right now. Good luck

thank you all, all very useful! reluctantmpv- what would happen if you stop working for the purpose of divorcing, getting kids and going back?

I am beggining to realise it is better to stay unemployed ( well I have a low ad hoc job) , then taking work. Children are my biggest worry and I am also worried he has rich family who will support him if need be. I need to be 100% sure I will get them before I start anything. Also, is it better to start it yourself or wait until he does? Anyway going to CAB this week, so I should know more!

I believe courts would look at a pattern of care over some time. I understand they like to keep status quo so if kids always mostly looked after by one person they would not want to disrupt that. I would not think they would have much sympathy if he gave up work. And would expect him to get job sooner or later anyway. Don,t let him take over your role as principle carer though. Did you get advice yet? You must. I expect he has.