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I am desperate for help and advise

24 replies

Movingout · 21/12/2011 08:47

For a long time I have been very unhappy in my marriage, for longer than I can remember.  DH drinks heavily and is extremely verbally abusive. We have nothing in common and I will always resent him for not helping or supporting me in bringing up our two DS now aged 17 and 12,

He doesn't drive, hence has never done a super-market shop, a school run or a late night pick-up.  He has never been to a school meeting or single handedly taken the boys out. 

I would describe him as a person with an obsessive personality. Despite the fact that the house is spotless, (it has to look like it hasn't been used by the time he returns from work), he is constantly making accusations that "I couldn't be bothered to clean up", "couldn't be bothered to cook a 'decent' meal etc, etc. 

We both work full time, but due to the fact that up until recently he has always earned more, he be-littles and dismisses the fact that I work.  I have a busy job and I also bring up my sons like a single parent.

I have always dreaded his home-coming, but I now fear them.  Recently, rows start because he swears and shouts at DS1 or accuses me of "not being bothered to do something", when I try to step in or defend myself, he becomes very abusive, mimics what I have said or over exagerates my body language.  He has never physically attacked me.

The atmosphere in the house is hostile, far removed from a loving family atmosphere.

There an additional major problem.  For the past 2 years, as a result of the recession his earnings have dried up.  For the most part, the only money coming into the household is my salary.  This is not enough by a very long way to cover our out-goings. The bank have closed down our accounts, with us both jointly liable for a huge amount of debt and we are under threat of having our house repossessed. Despite this, he refuses to put the house on the market. Our marriage is now toxic, but he will not consider any type of separation, he says he will divorce me but when it suits him, not me.

I feel so weak and useless and have no idea how to resolve this sitation and give my 2 DS a better life. Where do I go from here?

OP posts:
fuzzypeach1750 · 21/12/2011 08:50

You are not weak and useless. You are a woman who has tried her hardest for a man who doesn't care about anyone but himself. You need to get the deposit together for a rental for you and your DC and take it from there. You can't think with a clear head whilst living in fear.

imaginethat · 21/12/2011 08:51

Holy cow, what a horrible situation.

You are not weak or useless, you have already started getting a plan together by posting in here.

It actually sounds a bit dangerous... is there somewhere you can go short-term to get away from the awful atmosphere and start to make practical decisions?

You need legal advice and plenty of support from people who care.

Sorry I don't really know what else to say, but you can definitely navigate your way out of this awful situation and no doubt many people in this forum can give you good advice.

All the best x

GypsyMoth · 21/12/2011 08:57

I would ( did, actually) just walk away. The debt/house can be sorted later.... But I would really be looking at rentals and saving some money for deposit.

calypso2008 · 21/12/2011 09:03

You poor, poor thing.

No advice I am afraid just wanted to say I am thinking of you and you are NOT weak or useless. I would seek advice from a lawyer.

Good Luck OP.

Movingout · 21/12/2011 09:16

This is my first ever posting and it is so comforting to get such a supportive response. I think renting is the answer, but as I now have a bad credit reference, this could be a problem. DS1 is in the middle of A levels and I need to keep things as settled as possible for him. My salary wouldn't cover the rent so hopefully I will get housing benefit, but who knows.

OP posts:
fuzzypeach1750 · 22/12/2011 14:00

how are things today? hope you are ok.

Movingout · 22/12/2011 18:47

Thanks for your concern Fuzzypeach. I'm trying to stay strong and make Christmas as normal as possible.

OP posts:
fuzzypeach1750 · 22/12/2011 18:51

glad to hear that you are ok. if you need an ear to bend you can always pm me. have a good christmas if you can x

WelshCerys · 23/12/2011 00:05

movingout - so sorry to hear your story. You are clearly capable, brave, strong and a very loving mother. So, in spite of all that's going on, think positive.

When you wrote that you might find it difficult to rent, have you thought of speaking to a housing advisor at your local council? They might have some suggestions or, if you're lucky, somewhere to go to temporarily.

You mention a bad credit reference - this is where a debt advice line/a decent lawyer come in. Get some advice, fight the credit score/status if you possibly can and stay hopeful.

Take care - xxx

MrsJAlfredPrufrock · 23/12/2011 00:17

He sounds vile. You must go and see a solicitor at once about your situation. Really. don't tell him that's what you're doing but you must do it.

AnxiousElephant · 23/12/2011 00:26

If you feel trapped and want to escape do you have parents or any relatives to move to until you can find/ afford somewhere, as a single and homeless person you will be entitled to benefits for housing etc. If not you could also speak to your GP/ school nurse who could arrange shelter in a womens refuge and you could take the children with you. He is verbally and psychologically abusive. Speak to someone at the domestic violence helpline who can give you more detailed advice, often DV support officers are based or visit local childrens centres so drop in to your local one.
This link might
It is not healthy for your children to witness the drinking and abuse and you could be potentially put them at risk by staying. I have seen A+E reports where children have been injured defending a parent against abuse.

Collaborate · 24/12/2011 08:28

OP google tax credit calculator. You may be able to afford to move out if you know what tax credits you'll get. It will tell you what you'll get between now an 5 April.

maggieclements · 29/12/2011 19:58

please also get in touch with the domestic abuse team in your area, i was in a relationship the because i was not physically abused i did not think that all tha insults, belittling, name calling, emotional bullying, controlling behaviour was abuse ... IT IS!!!! i gave up a secure social housing flat, an moved to private renting after getting help with a loan for deposit .. they will help with housing benefit, i get the majority paid as have two lil ones an work part time as a carer on low income. please don't let this man control or spoil any more of your life. the domestic abuse people can also help with housing advice or put u in touch with people who can. sometimes the emotional abuse can be even more painful to spk about, as you have no bruises to show. it is stil abuse. best wishes to you and your little ones x

IfYoureHappyAndYouKnowIt · 02/01/2012 08:22

Hi, so sorry you are in this position.
There is a way out though.
One step at a time.
Family? Friends? Domestic violence route as already suggested?
OP, you will also need a lot of support for quite a while I think, both here and in RL. GP also?
Can you keep posting. MN will help.
Could you move this to the relationships thread also? MN will do that if you email them. You'll get more traffic there and advice from many who have been in similar positions.
Alternatively you could start a new thread there.

HandDivedScallopsrgreat · 02/01/2012 08:28

In addition to the wonderful advice on here, I would say don't worry about DS1. If you could provide a less hostile working environment for him, that would benefit him far more than staying.

Movingout · 02/01/2012 11:05

Thank you to everybody that has offered such great advice and shown such empathy. I do have a very close family but sadly they don't live nearby. I really feel that if I could move out of the house I would be more able to deal with the situation; but I am being held back. DS1 is in the middle of A'levels and needs top grades to get the university he wants, would the move be terribly detrimental? I would like to stay in the same area where I have a job, friends and good schools for the children but it is so expensive and as I do have a job and a house I may not get any help. I am on anti-depressants but not sure they really help when depression is caused by life's circumstances rather than a medical problem.
I know I'm not being a good mother at the moment, I am so pre-occupied with worry. Our debt problems seem to be getting worse and worse, post Christmas I received a court summons for council tax arrears and a very scary letter from building society and I know it's pathetic but I just don't have the strength to deal with these things. I feel so alone.

OP posts:
IfYoureHappyAndYouKnowIt · 02/01/2012 11:18

Have you told your family? What's their view?

How far into the a level course is DS?

It's a different situation but I lived with XH for a year while he had an affair and the situation at home was pretty dire. In that time oldest DC went from doing well at beginning of a levels to heavy drug addiction. I stayed with XH for fear of upsetting DC further through split. I think in retrospect I should have found a way to get him out sooner.

If the situation is bad at home and escalating as it sounds like it is I think you need to take some action. The first step is info gathering to assess your options more tangibly.

Keep posting.

Movingout · 02/01/2012 11:29

Thank you for your reply. My family are completely aware and very keen for me to leave him. DS1 takes final exams in June so this time is really crucial for him. If the house is repossessed we will have no choice. DH has told me he can pay off some of the arrears this month, but he has said this before and hasn't.

OP posts:
IfYoureHappyAndYouKnowIt · 02/01/2012 23:06

Ok, understand what you say re DS. A no win situation really. Great for you to be there for him to complete a levels well but then....lots of bad things happening...hostile atmosphere, husbands abuse, financial difficulties, possibility of losing house etc. You will feel better I think if you start to plan a rapid exit so that, when the time is right you can get out.suggest visit CAB, free hour with a solicitor, call the domestic violence line, get counselling support through doctor etc. This will get you more in control of the situation and be empowering.

Have you considered moving the thread?

NotaDisneyMum · 02/01/2012 23:33

movingout - so sorry that you are where you are Sad but I wanted to reassure you that no matter how much debt you are in, there is always a way out.

When my exH and I separated, I discovered debt (both joint and his sole debt) that massively exceeded what I knew about.

My exH started bleating about filing for bankruptcy the day that I told him it was over; I was advised to file for divorce as soon as possible (I had grounds of unreasonable behaviour) so that any joint assets were 'off limits' to his creditors until the settlement was finalised.

In the divorce settlement, I traded my share of his pension (I hadn't even realised I was entitled to this) for his equity in the house, transferred it to my ownership and remortgaged on better terms in my sole name (I would never have got a new mortgage, as my credit rating was shot, but I was an existing customer, and they didn't want to repossess, so they were able to offer me concessions as the deal they offered made it 'just' affordable). The rest of the debt/assets were negotiated painfully in mediation. A year later, I sold the house at the minimum I needed to clear the mortgage and remaining debt and i started again with absolutely nothing.

Yes, it's hard, and what worked for me might not work for you but it is doable, and you will be a stronger, more resilient person at the end of it Wink

Movingout · 02/01/2012 23:54

Thank you notadisneymum, it's quite reassuring to know that others have been through similar. He is refusing to sell the house and I too will be devastated when it goes, it's a lovely family house, but if we sold it we could repay our debts. Like you I would be left with nothing, quite scary at 47 but i know i would be happy. I'm just building up the strength to do what has to be done. I'm glad to hear that it's worked out well for you, the peace of mind must be so liberating x

OP posts:
Movingout · 02/01/2012 23:56

Thank you ifyourhappyandyouknowit, i have posted on relationships, but this section seems much more helpful.

OP posts:
WelshCerys · 03/01/2012 10:19

Re the summons - take action now. Councils issue thousands of these and far too many are ignored - costs escalate. Explain financial position - do you qualify for council tax benefit? In view of your circumstances, could probably be retrospective - ask - apply - now. If you're lucky, council will stop further action while this is being sorted. One worry less.

Debts - National Debt Helpline; Christians Against Poverty (for everybody) - lots of help out there. NDH has standard letters, very useful when you're thinking of what to write to creditors.

Your DS doing A levels - could he, by any chance, stay with a friend until he finishes or - depending on his age etc - rent nearby for six months? Would very likely qualify for HB. You have definitely got the special circumstances councils look for. By renting, I guess I mean with a landlady/in a host family - not necessarily on his own.

The absolute main priority is your safety and that of your DCs.

Good luck.

WelshCerys · 03/01/2012 10:20

should add - re summons and debts - you could post on Money or Credit Crunch MN threads - always a great source of wisdom and practical help.

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