Single parent stuck in a rut

[gems77]

Hello everyone, Im new to this site and Im hoping Im doing the right thing as Im not very computer literate. Anyway here goes!
After living most of my childhood as part of a step family and not a nice one at that, I was made to feel fat and worthless by my step father and my real father had no interest in me, when I did see him he would say nasty thing about my mum, it truly was awful, I remember writing in a diary at the age of 11 stating how sad I was with my life. It caused me to suffer with depression and very low self asteem as a teen, this led me to comfort eat and pile on the pounds. I met my husband and we have 3 girls, and I was a stay at home mum, my pregnancies were awful, I was sick for 9 months, I suffered post natal depression and it just got worse. I sometimes couldnt leave the house, my days were the same and I had no family to support me. I would probably explain myself as being a bit of a recluse for many years. I was depressed so my only comfort was food. I was now obese, depressed and it was a viscious circle for me.
I separated from my husband of 10 years last July. I didnt feel supported by my husband who is lets say very numb to emotions. I decided to separate, Im not saying he was all to blame, my depression was a very big part in us drifting apart and also the fact I was very overweight. I had many issues with my past and it got worse over the years. I was searching for something but didnt know what.
When we separated I went on a diet and enrolled into college to do an access course with the help of the job centre I was able to get 100% childcare for my youngest daughter. I struggled to find childcare, but found a nursery. Sept 2010 I had lost about 20lbs and I felt confident to start. I was very nervous and it was a huge step for me, as the weeks went on and still losing weight, I felt like I was somebody for the first time in my life. My confidence grew and I managed to lose 5 stone by the christmas. I also met someone. I bought new clothes and I had dreams, one was to go to university and provide for my girls, they would be proud of me too.
Between July and christmas I had had a few melt downs even thought Id made a mistake and begged my husband to come back but he wasnt going to do that he was on a dating site within weeks of us separating. He met someone in the sept and is still with her now. It was hard work and I cryed alot as my daughter cryed every day at nursery, they wernt sleeping at night andas my husband would not support me I fell behind, the work load was immense, I gave up. The guy I met ended it with no explanation. I was falling backwards and was so scared of going back to that dark place.
My tutor called me in and explained I could start again in feb, I thought this is my chance, so I asked at the job centre and they said they were unable to fund childcare as I left so I went to the college and they said they would but ony 50% so I agreed and I thought I will have to work to finance the rest and also be able to give my girl a better life. I found a childminder. I applyed for jobs and the first interview as a support worker I got. So now Im working and at full time college and have 3 children. I set myself up to fail basically. It was a nightmare, I was never home, always doing homework and always tired. This led to where I am right now. I couldnt do both so I made a massive decision to leave college and work as I needed too. Then the company I was working for were not giving me enough hours to claim child tax so they stopped my money, and I asked so many times please give me the hours anyway they didnt. Iv paid out more than I have coming in with childcare and car expenses.
My car was then off the road and my childminder handed her notice in. Iv now had to hand my notice in. Im skint and over drawn. My car is off the road because I cant afford to put it back on the road. Im at home again in that dark place and I dont know how to get out. Iv met a couple of guys that have hurt me, Iv struggled with money and Iv completely lost control in my house as I was never there as I was so busy. My daughters of 6 and 4 wont sleep in their beds, the 6 year old is moody and doesnt listen. I feel completely lost and have no idea what to do. i cant work as I need childcare and nurseries want fees upfront, I havnt got it. Im worried about having money for hristmas and to top it off my husband has lost his job and Im worried he wont be able to pay his half of the mortgage. He doesnt understand how hard it is for me as he has his new life where he can come and go as he pleases. He has moved in with his girlfriend around the corner.
Im not sure if anyone can help but a little advise would be appreciated x

[gems77]

Hello everyone, Im new to this site and Im hoping Im doing the right thing as Im not very computer literate. Anyway here goes!
After living most of my childhood as part of a step family and not a nice one at that, I was made to feel fat and worthless by my step father and my real father had no interest in me, when I did see him he would say nasty thing about my mum, it truly was awful, I remember writing in a diary at the age of 11 stating how sad I was with my life. It caused me to suffer with depression and very low self asteem as a teen, this led me to comfort eat and pile on the pounds. I met my husband and we have 3 girls, and I was a stay at home mum, my pregnancies were awful, I was sick for 9 months, I suffered post natal depression and it just got worse. I sometimes couldnt leave the house, my days were the same and I had no family to support me. I would probably explain myself as being a bit of a recluse for many years. I was depressed so my only comfort was food. I was now obese, depressed and it was a viscious circle for me.
I separated from my husband of 10 years last July. I didnt feel supported by my husband who is lets say very numb to emotions. I decided to separate, Im not saying he was all to blame, my depression was a very big part in us drifting apart and also the fact I was very overweight. I had many issues with my past and it got worse over the years. I was searching for something but didnt know what.
When we separated I went on a diet and enrolled into college to do an access course with the help of the job centre I was able to get 100% childcare for my youngest daughter. I struggled to find childcare, but found a nursery. Sept 2010 I had lost about 20lbs and I felt confident to start. I was very nervous and it was a huge step for me, as the weeks went on and still losing weight, I felt like I was somebody for the first time in my life. My confidence grew and I managed to lose 5 stone by the christmas. I also met someone. I bought new clothes and I had dreams, one was to go to university and provide for my girls, they would be proud of me too.
Between July and christmas I had had a few melt downs even thought Id made a mistake and begged my husband to come back but he wasnt going to do that he was on a dating site within weeks of us separating. He met someone in the sept and is still with her now. It was hard work and I cryed alot as my daughter cryed every day at nursery, they wernt sleeping at night andas my husband would not support me I fell behind, the work load was immense, I gave up. The guy I met ended it with no explanation. I was falling backwards and was so scared of going back to that dark place.
My tutor called me in and explained I could start again in feb, I thought this is my chance, so I asked at the job centre and they said they were unable to fund childcare as I left so I went to the college and they said they would but ony 50% so I agreed and I thought I will have to work to finance the rest and also be able to give my girl a better life. I found a childminder. I applyed for jobs and the first interview as a support worker I got. So now Im working and at full time college and have 3 children. I set myself up to fail basically. It was a nightmare, I was never home, always doing homework and always tired. This led to where I am right now. I couldnt do both so I made a massive decision to leave college and work as I needed too. Then the company I was working for were not giving me enough hours to claim child tax so they stopped my money, and I asked so many times please give me the hours anyway they didnt. Iv paid out more than I have coming in with childcare and car expenses.
My car was then off the road and my childminder handed her notice in. Iv now had to hand my notice in. Im skint and over drawn. My car is off the road because I cant afford to put it back on the road. Im at home again in that dark place and I dont know how to get out. Iv met a couple of guys that have hurt me, Iv struggled with money and Iv completely lost control in my house as I was never there as I was so busy. My daughters of 6 and 4 wont sleep in their beds, the 6 year old is moody and doesnt listen. I feel completely lost and have no idea what to do. i cant work as I need childcare and nurseries want fees upfront, I havnt got it. Im worried about having money for hristmas and to top it off my husband has lost his job and Im worried he wont be able to pay his half of the mortgage. He doesnt understand how hard it is for me as he has his new life where he can come and go as he pleases. He has moved in with his girlfriend around the corner.
Im not sure if anyone can help but a little advise would be appreciated x

[EllenandBump]

Get into contact with your local council, you arent always told this but if you are entitled to benefits you may also be entitled to housing benefit, which could pay the intereston your mortgage, which although doesnt solve the problem will help. Get in contact with your job centre and claim everything that you are entitled to as soon as you can and if you are feeling that low again you need to go to your doctor and tell them. It might mean that instead of getting income support the job centre will put you on employment and support allowance which gives you access to a lot of courses and funding that those on job seekers and income support do not have access to and will give you a little more money than income support, you will need a sick note to claim though, so make sure you get one from your doctor. If you are in a lot of debt then you can go to citizens advice, who will be able to help you. They can also help with your benefits and will be able to tell you exactly what you are entitled to. If they stopped your working tax credits you may have been able to claim child tax credits, but i am assuming they didnt tell you that when the wrote to you to stop your payments... Why would they. Any way, all things to consider. As for christmas, it isnt about the parents, as long as it feels like christmas thats all that matters. So dont worry about how much money you spend, make it special with love and try to get a christmas tree. It always makes it feel christmassy. There is also nothing wrong with the pound shops for christmas decorations. They are actually really nice if you look around a bit. x

[gems77]

Thankyou for your message :)
I have applyed for benefits and waiting to hear from them. I put my post on here yesterday in a bit of a cry for help, kind of given my life story, when I read it back Im not sure what advise I was really asking, but sometimes when you know other people have been here, you have hope.
Thankyou for your time and advise :) x

[planetpotty]

Hope things seem a bit brighter today gems as said above re getting what you're entitled to.

Think you need to find ways of taking the pressure off where cash is concerned. CAB could help, if it's an option explaining to the ex how things are with ££ might help but not arguing about it or lecturing as tempting (and perhaps right) as it may be the best way of him understanding/remembering the costs involved with house and DC x 3 is a conversation rather than row. Know it's so so hard as it seems he's skipped off to this new life but at the end of the day your still a parenting team.

A few years ago whilst doing my annual appraisal at work my boss asked me to do a one, five and ten year plan. So I did it and it was really, really useful seeing on paper what my plan was - do you think having a plan could help get you out if the rut?

Get out and do as much exercise as you can especially if you can do it with you DDs the endorphins will help loads (laughing as I need to take my own advice here!!)

You can do this you've pulled yourself up by your bootstraps before you can do it again!!

Mr right will come along but right now you have to look after you first.

Sending a hug and a well done so far

[planetpotty]

The plan was not just work related but life in general

[gems77]

Aww thankyou so much.
I have tryed to explain time and time again about how hard it is with money, Iv even said its not so much money its his time. I was juggling a full time college course, work, homework and 3 children, their activities after school, their homework. I was unable to take my daughter to ballet because there was no time, my 6 year old fell behind at school, and its all in the space of a year, I was so focused on making a future for us that I lost control of our family routine. I have begged and cryed but he will not give an extra hour. He does have them to stay every other weekend and takes them out for tea on a tuesday. Many times Iv asked if he could drop them a little later as Im working and he refuses, he has a time scale and wont budge from it.
He has football or hes busy with his new life.
Yes I definitely need a plan, you ar right, My plan kept me going. I had one up until about a month ago, i had dreams and hope, its all lost. Im trying to think of what to put in my plan at the moment, but thanks for that :)
I go to zumba a few times a week, as I dont want to put the weight back on and really want to lose another 2 stone to be happy with me, Im definitely working on the confidence thing.
Thankyou :) x

[planetpotty]

See you have it under control! Just seems like you need a little boost. Keep doing what you're doing everything is going to be ok

[gems77]

Yeah its nice to hear other views, and if people have been in the same position. Yeah Im trying very hard to keep it together :) Its just holding on to hope I suppose :)