I really need some practical help :(

[destinyorfate]

I have name changed purely because my normal user name gives me away a bit. I have not put much information up here previously because my situation is very complicated.

My OH is extremely manipulative, controlling, emotionally and finacially abusive. I have been trying to get away for a long time but now things are really coming to a head.

We are faced with having the house repossessed.

I have very little money. My OH has frozen our joint accounts so I have to work to feed myself and my daughter. He has let the house fall into a dreadful state and I cannot, on my own, make it marketable and even if I found a buyer, I cant force him to agree to sell.

I do have a solicitor, (I dont qualify for LA) and I have forms to fill in to start divorce proceedings. Now my OH is going to fight this and it will cost me a fortune. :( which I dont have! I dont feel able to cope with this by myself. I have started the forms but I am so worried about putting enough information down to make things right for me. It is so hard to prove that things are difficult here! I have no one to help me and I cant afford to spend the time with my Sol to get this right!

And on top of that I am absolutely terrified of the repurcussions. I know he would be completely prepared for us all to be penniless. Well ok, I can understand he hates me for wanting to leave but to punish the kids is vile. I have worked all my life and bloody hard, and he is able, it seems, to take it all away.

Where can I go, who can help me through this. I really really need some hand holding and some practical advice! I have no one in RL who can help and I cant risk any mistakes because he is very clever. I cannot underestimate him and I have so much to lose.

Please is there anybody who can help me through this. I have tried so hard to get away but he seems to hold all the aces.

If it was only me I would walk away, go and stay with family but I have kids and I need to protect their future.

If anybody can help I would so appreciate it.

Contact Womens Aid, they will give and get you the help you need.
Hope all goes well.

I have tried to contact them but they are so difficult to get a hold of. I suppose I could go and sit with someone at the CAB but my situation is so complicated I dont know if I could really achieve anything there.

He puts these obstacles before me, so that I cant see the wood for the trees! I am just so scared of him that it is hard to take these steps. I will have to live here while the divorce goes through and I cant face that but time is running out.

So sorry to hear what an awful time you are having. I would advise jotting 5 major points you want to discuss at your first CAB meeting...if you limit yourself to 5 or so points...you can go into detail. Anything else you can make a follow up appointment. You need to establish what is most important & discuss it with them. I would contact benefits/maintenance so you know where you would financially stand.
I wish I has more advice to offer.

Thanks, I wouldnt find it so hard I think, if I wasnt so scared of him. He doesnt hit me... but he manages to reduce me to ... well I dont know what! I just know I find it hard to face up to him and his threats. Therefore I am finding it almost impossible to focus on providing relevant details for this form! It all just sounds so petty, but it isnt... it is hell living here :(

In a way I wish he would hit me! That would be so much easier to deal with!

The websites below (if you haven't seen already) might help give you more info about what to fill in and what is expected. Don't use your lawyer for handholding, mediating arguments, or a listening ear - they charge for the time, so all that will happen is that you'll lose more money.

If your soon to be ex can be reasoned with, you could suggest that he and you first discuss/negotiate and agree on some things you both want - eg the amount of maintenance, the pension. Might help to stress that the more time spent fighting it using lawyers, the less money in the pot for him. NB if he is the higher wage earner you are also entitled to part of his pension. (I'm presuming your DD is not his daughter, from the way you've worded it?). I;m not a lawyer, but I'm guessing that if he fights it, the worst he can do is refuse to divorce you and eventually (not sure if it is five years or less) if you've left him and filed your papers, you're both divorced anyway. You could post this in Legal to doublecheck the facts.

I'm a bit puzzled as to how he could freeze a joint account - surely it will need your approval too. Can you ask the Bank Manager? I thought he should only be able to freeze half. Although it is possible for him to take everything out, just as it is possible for you to empty it too.

The meeting at Citizens Advice bureau to get advice might be a good first step to get info about your rights and your options. Plus, on your own, with your DD, you should be entitled to some benefits - you can ask which ones. Hope all this helps! Hang in there and be strong for your DD! You can do it!

www.resolution.org.uk/advice_centre/

www.intelligentdivorce.co.uk/bin_1/The%20Intelligent%20Divorce%20Guide%20to%20the%20Divorce%20Process.pdf

www.intelligentdivorce.co.uk/site.aspx?i=pg6

What really helped me in a similar situation was to contact the local police station. I was really nervous and apprehensive about it as it seemed like such a serious step. However, a very nice detective from their DV unit came to a place I specified and sat down with me, listened and completed a CAARDA DASH (sp?) assessment, which I scored high enough on to have me referred me to an Independent Domestic Violence Advocate (IDVA).

My IDVA is now helping me through all the practicalities of getting out. And the police have filed a report, which as a consequence entitles me to police presence when I move out to "prevent a breach of the peace". If I feel I need it of course.

I'm afraid I didn't have much help from Women's Aid. My IDVA is proving to be invaluable though.

Hope that helps.

Oh, and I called Citizens Advice for financial assistance. I was pleasantly surprised to learn how much help I would be entitled to. I have since applied to the council for housing benefit.

My future is looking a bit brighter. I hope yours does too soon. Stay strong and keep focussed. Try and detach from all the rubbish that is spewed at you to intimidate you into submission.

Wow I can so empathise with the situation and feelings you describe. I couldn't see the tunnel let alone the light at the end of it. But I did get through - homelessness, being liable for massive debts, a vindictive and criminal partner. my ex was a solicitor who acted for himself throughout the divorce so I know what you mean about mistakes providing them with ammunition. I went through so much and I honestly now feel so strong and 'bullet-proof.' It's almost impossible to imagine reaching that stage but I am proof that it is possible. My local MP really came through for me in taking on the bank where my husband had run up massive debts. Even if your situation is complicated the CAB can be helpful. The financial statement etc paperwork is so daunting when your head is utterly scrambled and stressed out but I recommend just filling in as much as you can yourself and getting your sol to sort out the bits you can't. Is there anyone who can come to sol appointments with you? I couldn't take anything in because I was in such a state. Take notes if you go on your own, so you don't have to ring up to clarify things anymore than is necessary. Is there anyone (family, friends?) you could possibly stay with? It is beyond nightmarish trying to sort out crucial stuff while under the same roof as someone who is angry, abusive etc. I agree about telling the police what is going on and asking for their advice. Thinking about you and willing you on.