Why should walk-out dads have shared custody of children?

[Cassandrasays]

Does anyone have experience of this? My husband has said he wants to divorce, has moved out , stopped paying towards the family - he now says that his lawyers advise him that he can have 50% custody of the children. How can this be fair. The children are so upset by the situation, the last thing they need is to be shuttled from one household to another.

my dneice(8) gets very upset when it is time to do her mums half of the week. she is always trying to negotiate extra time with dad (mum who left, dad has the established home). It is hard for her to be split between two homes but she does need a relationship with both parents. she harbours resentment to her mum which could be compounded if mum becomes an outsider. (what the mum deserves in this case, but not what the child deserves) so everyone plays nice best they can.

I'm amazed at the amount of posters who think 50/50 is a good idea. - how would you like to spend half your week in one home and half in another? IME the family courts hardly ever make an order along those lines and for good reason. en

However op, whilst you are justifiably furious with your dp, your dcs have a right to have a relationship with their mum and their dad . Their dad may well be awful, but it is for them to find out in due course. That he pays no money, though infuriating and unfair, should not come into it.

I suppose I am a walk out mum. I gave up my and my DS's home and my job to get away from my ExH.

However I do my best to ensure that DS has reasonable access to a father who can put his needs first. I don't agree with children being 50:50 in each parent's home. If the DCs should have 50:50 access then it should be in their home. Shuttling them from one house to another is unfair on them.

My parents divorced when I was a child and i can tell you now I would have hated 50:50. I was far closer to my mum who was the main carer. 50:50 to me would just have meant more time in the care of stepmother - not a nice thought.

We spent the weekends at dad's - so I suppose we were 70:30? Although I loved seeing Dad every w/e, there were also disadvantages as I got older and wanted more of a social life. Dad lived just far enough away to make socialising with my schoolfriends impossible. Any social even't/parties at the w/e had to be missed.

50:50 seems to be making it 'fair' for the parents, but it can't always be the best thing for the children.

Its hard - especially when you've been walked our on and left holding the fort - to separate your feelings from what's best. My personal opinion, simply going from what you've written: the kids are the prize and heaven forbid he be emasculated by you managing without a single penny from him in recent times. But...time will tell. Take a deep breath, start some sort of mediation process if that's the appropriate forum in your particular situation and see what time unearths. In any case, he is still the kids father and they have a right to know who he is - much as that passes you off right now you can't get away from that.

I'm sorry you are in this situation. I think u should try to start talking mediation as soon as possible. How old are your children? How are they doing? In my experience (not me personally) courts rarely give 50/50 as children need a home but I have known it work. It's whatever is bets for the children time, who is primary career, distance etc are all taken into consideration. A close friend of mine left his wife-not his daughter as he always makes clear-they agreed out of cout through mediation that he has his daughter every other weekend, this killed him but it was what is best for his daughter. Due to clubs, school, distance etc Every situation is different though. I hope I can work something out without using the courts. And no it's jot fair it sucks and it hurts and for that I am very sorry