Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

soon to be exH's new girlfriend

35 replies

turtle23 · 01/08/2011 09:05

OK...first need to say that I really despise him and really not jealous of her. At all. We have two sons who are 1 and 3. He sees them once a week overnight and is really a rubbish dad. Refuses to take them out, just sits around the house watching tv with them as he feels it is his duty to have them but not play with them or put any effort into it. He told me 2 months ago he was thinking of dating someone "seriously" and that the boys had met her once briefly. I said fine...but please could you let me know if it moves on to the stage where the boys spend lots of time with her.

Anyway...it transpires that she is there every time the boys visit and now one son has been bumped to sofa bed rather than sleeping in daddy's room which he finds uncomfortable. I found this out through my children and when I asked I was told it was none of my business. I agreed that who he dated was none of my business but said if this woman was going to be spending this much time around my kids I would like to meet her. I was called a psychotic bitch at this point and told to mind my own business. Is this an unreasonable request? I just want to know who is around my kids. She has no desire to have kids, is a party girl and as she lives most of the week an hour away I just feel that my kids are being ignored a bit. I want to know what sort of person she is.

I will admit I will be hugely upset if they get married but only in that she will then be their stepmother. He is so rubbish...it is only recently that he agreed to have them at all. I am a blubbering mess and I don't even kniw why I posted this I just feel like I am losing it.

OP posts:

GypsyMoth · 01/08/2011 10:15

There is no legal right. No court can enforce it on someone.

Unless a danger to the dc, even then, the op wouldn't be able to meet her, but cafcass would do a section 7 report

nenevomito · 01/08/2011 10:16

I think your ex was out of order calling you what he did. I'd also feel uncomfortable knowing that my young children were spending time with someone I didn't know. Having said that, you don't have any right to meet his new girlfriend, in the same way that he won't have the right to meet any new partner of yours. All you can do is trust that he wouldn't let someone into their lives who would be harmful to them.

He's an arse, but if he wasn't you'd probably still be together.

Original poster

turtle23 · 01/08/2011 13:15

Well I have just had him on the phone and apparently he has discussed it with her and she thinks it would be really weird if i didn't want to meet her. She has no problem with it.
He also said that he has absolutely no desire to go for joint custody and doesn't feel that having them as little as he does warrants their having a bedroom.
I will leave it at this because I don't see the point in explaining to you all now all the hundreds of reasons why this whole thing is so stressful. Just ignore this post. I will go cry on my own.

OP posts:

GypsyMoth · 01/08/2011 13:20

So she will meet you. That's positive then

The bedroom issue might resolve itself as time goes by. Good luck!!

mummytime · 01/08/2011 13:56

She sounds reasonable. That is a good thing. Maybe she can get him to act like a father.
Cry if you need to, then square up your shoulders and carry on. He seems very unpleasant, but don't take his name calling personally. He will soon be your Ex (which you might see as a mixed blessing, but it is a good thing).

Good luck!

mylovelymonster · 01/08/2011 14:23

what mummytime said x

Patienceobtainsallthings · 24/08/2011 21:41

Hope ur doin ok turtle ,it sucks. Mine told me i had no right to know where my kids were or what they were doin or who they were with.legally he is right I just had to accept it ,I got a text message at midnight to tell me he was introducing the kids to 21yo gf and there was nothing I could do about it.He is living his life ,I live mine,kids have stability with me and goodness knows what with him ,i have to accept I cannot change him ,I can only work on myself.I am free of him in my home and I have peace in my head x

Chocster06 · 05/09/2011 15:29

Hi turtle, just thought I'd let you know my experience.

As agreed with DH's exW, I didn't meet their boys until I'd been with him for a year (he had/has them for half of every weekend, and once during the week). Then I agreed to meet with DH and his ex for coffee - lasted about an hour - prior to meeting the kids (who were just turning 5 and 7). She had sent me a list of questions in advance. I must say, I was horribly nervous (had spent first six to nine months receiving pretty nasty texts and voicemails with a number of threats), and lost about half a stone through food just going straight through me the ten days leading up to it!! But I agreed because I was serious about my now DH and cared about making things easy for the kids. Another four years later, and things bumble along reasonably well.

For you of course, your ex doesn't sound that bothered about your kids' welfare or their sensitivity towards the situation. As from your post last month, she clearly thinks differently, so if you've not already met her then do try to do so. I think it makes things easier from both sides - as terrifying as I found it at the time!

Hope things have improved for you.

parkgate · 08/09/2011 17:32

Your ex sounds like a turd of the highest order. Having said that, I don't ever understand what the obsession is with having to "meet the new girlfriend" I mean, what is she going to do... arrive to the meeting dragging on a crack pipe and out herself as a bad example to your children? No, she'll turn up looking immaculate, be sweet as pie and gush about how lucky she is to be spending time with your children. Then you'll feel as small as avery small thing.

Worse case, she'll be an utter bitch and you will hate her but even then, then you still can't do anything to stop your children spending time with her (unless there is serious SS worthy neglect) so why put yourself through the trauma?

As much of a twat as your ex is, he is equally as responsible for deciding who is suitable company for your children as you are I'm afraid. If he has deamed her suitable then there is little that you can demand to the contrary. Would you be happy for him to vet your future partners?

I understand that there is always the element of scary-figure-lurking-in-the-shadows when a new partner starts to spend time with your kids, but beleive me, your imagination is undoubtably come up with worse than the truth. It would be great if you could go round there for a cuppa and get to know her as it is beneficial for the children (I get on great with my DD's step mum) but it is outside of your control so best just rise above it.

parkgate · 08/09/2011 17:37

Besides, it sounds like they're hardly there anyway. They'll probably see her as a fun aunt or something rather than a parent figure or role model.
Although you say she's a party animal etc, she might turn out to be a better role model than their dad, in which case you'll be greatful she's around.

I've watched my Ex walk out in to a busy road leaving our (then) 4 yr old standing on the curb alone with a car zooming at her around the corner. I nearly died on the spot as she was about to step out infornt of it and I couldn't get to her quick enough, then his (then new) girlfriend ran up behind and grabbed her hand and told her about looking left and right etc. I could have kissed the woman. DD still broke away from her hand the instant she saw me and jumped in to my arms.

Flip

1 2