Divorce first, or sort out finances first...?

[purpleduck]

I live in family home with my 2 kids - 11 and 9. We've been seperated for over a year and I really want a divorce. He refuses to attend mediation. He says he doesn't want the divorce, and he'll sort out the finances with me only after I file for divorce. Can I do this? Should I do this?

He also says that he won't put his pension forward as an asset of the marriage, and that if I "give him 30 grand, he'll do what I want"

By the way, we split up because I found out he asked out a 19 year old. I spent a year trying to fix the marriage, and he refused; then he got upset when I ended things. He began dating right away, I met my current partner 10 months after we split up and I've had no end of trouble since, including him vandalising mine and my partners cars.

Anybody know if I will lose out financially if I file for divorce before we sort out the house etc...?

nobody...?

Please take proper advice from a solicitor, don't listen to his waffle, your ex that is, when sorting out finances everything has to be taken into account, if he refuses to attend mediation then he obviously is not going to be fair to you, do you have a solicitor that deals in family law?? If not, find one, sorry to sound bossy but you need to look after you and your kids, most solicitors give a thirty min free meeting to assess your case and answer your questions please do this b4 you end up with nothing, I have recently split from exH and we attended mediation it was very positive and fair and saved us alot of money instead of going through sol, my ex even agreed to pay for first mediation session, your ex cannot just boss you into excepting his version of what he thinks you are entitled to. As a result of the med sessions I am able to stay in the family home keep the family car and get regular CM from ex, this is no more than is fair in the eyes of the law, please take proper advice otherwise you will be fighting this for years to come, good luck

As far as the harrassment is concerned a solicitor can help you get a court Oeder on him to stay away from property etc I had to do this with my exH as he had a violent temper which he took out on me, as soon as the courts became involved he backed right off and has behaved ever since, some people are just bullies when they think they can get the upper hand on someone else.

Usually the divorce proceedings go along in tandem with the ancillary relief (money) negotiations.

Why haven't you issued a petition yet? You may as well get on with it, because then you can, if negotiations are unsuccesful, it is very simple for you to put in an application for ancillary relief to the court.

The thing about his pension is nonsense. It is an asset of the marriage whether he likes it or not.

I strongly recommend that you find a local family specialist, who will be listed on the resolution website www.resolution.org.uk

I also suggest you post this on Legal.

OP, legally you are entitled to his part of his pension too - it can sometimes be more than 50% of it. Get some legal advice. He sounds like he's telling you lots of untruths / factual errors in the hope that it will significantly lessen his bill (ie escape from his duty towards his children).

As a specialist family solicitor new to Mumsnet (and I'll admit right now that I'm a Dad - does that exclude me from this site?), there is some really good advice for purpleduck.

Purpleduck - Take advice from a specialist family solicitor via www.resolution.org.uk as suggested by mumblechum1.

There appears to be domestic abuse - you don't have to be living with someone to suffer from this.

Hi Purpleduck - If you haven't found solicitor yet, try and find one who can offer you the full range of problem solving methods (we lawyers call it ADR - Alternative Dispute Resolution).

You've mentioned mediation but that is jut one method of ADR. Other options include the Collaborative Family Law process - more info is on the Resolution website mentioned by mumblechum1

I'll also emphasise my professional view, that "the law" and "a solicitor" alone will not necessarily help solve your problem. Many people in your situation benefit from a family lawyer who looks more at the full range of options for problem solving (not just the law itself) together with a little bit of psychology. This is because your ex's attitude might be a result of his place along the "lost/adjustment" cycle, which includes anger and denial. Don't get me wrong, there's no excuse for his behaviour, but understanding why he's behaving the way he is might help you/your lawyer to talk him round to being more cooperative, which in turn could then help you / your lawyer sort out a satsifactory long term solution to your problems.

You appear to have kids, so I often find that whatever the differences and problems behind a relationship breakign down, it can help to try and find a little common ground from teh start - this can often be (1) doing the best for the kids, and (2) wishing to avoid expensive lawyers fees from a messy divorce.

Hope this helps.

PooleFamilyLaw- welcome! Dads are welcome on this site too, it's for parents, not just mothers. Thanks for contributing!

Thanks you guys - so I can start the petition before we sort out the financial stuff? I am off to look at the resolution website :)