What's your relationship like with your ex?

[LeoTheLateBloomer]

I've been finding it very difficult to work out how to be around my stbxh.

It was an abusive relationship which I'm still trying to come to terms with and one of the parts that I find the hardest is that I'm having to be pleasant and cooperative because of our DD.

He has moved 4 hours away so doesn't visit all that regularly (every 2-3 weeks). Most visits have been awful and we've ended up arguing.

He tells me I'm very defensive and cold towards him. But that's how I feel! I've never been very good at hiding my true feelings.

Last week I had to insist that when he comes to visit he just picks DD up and goes straight out with her and leaves as soon as he's dropped her off.

He complained that he doesn't know what she does and requested that I send regular emails with photos, outlining what she's been doing.

He also asked that I print and frame a photo of the 2 of them together and put it by her bed so she can see him all the time.

I've done the photo thing (I couldn't think of a reasonable objection) but I don't know what to do about these regular emails. Part of me feels that if I agree to these requests I'll end up agreeing to more and more, but part of me has to remember that he's still her father and has a right to know what she's doing.

Does anyone else have this problem?

Can he Skype her? that way you don't have to do anything but they can still keep in touch with what each other are doing.

How old is your DD? If she's old enough can't he call her or she write him emails?

I have no relationship with my Ex. He disapppeared off the face of the planet 6 months after we divorced. Abandoning his DS and leaving me to pick up the pieces.

Agree with the previous posters. He can skype even if she's young, she just needs you to set it up and be around but not involved. Alternatively if she's old enough they can do contact between them.

sounds like he's a bit controlling, to be honest.

i'm interested in how you do this as well, i struggle with exactly the same thing. i recognise there's control in how he's behaving but don't have a clear picture of what's reasonable and what's not.. or how to share parenting within that context.

i'm sure that doesn't help Leo much, but at least it's clear you're not alone in this?

I would say if he wants a photo he gets one he frames it and he gives it to dd.Up to the child what happens next.I don't discourage X but I don't enable anymore ie he is their father,but absolutely nothing whatsoever to do with me.If he puts the effort in he will have a good relationship with the kids but this is up to him NOTHING to do with me .I am at peace with my new situation,he is not,he was abusive ,he lost control of me.I am completely independent of him.

Leo,I find it difficult too.Ex sees dc regularly,but I do my best not to engage with him;he sends me more texts/emails than I think he needs to-I'm sure he just likes to keep his presence felt.I don't contact him unless it is necessary re dc.I want nothing to do with him in reality.Contact brings me down.He is a creep.

He also asked that I print and frame a photo of the 2 of them together

i think it was for him to get a phtoo done and give it to her to put there.... did he come to check it was there? you dont haveto let him in your house at all..... handover at door.

dont think you need to send photos - maybe soemtimes if specific things eg she dressed up for something? but you could play along in a way which doesnt mess you around - for example, if you have facebook you could set up one account just for him / her sort of thing - so give it a name related to dd and let him be the only friend - to update on day to day stuff.

or a blog that is easy to update on.
"today dd went to park and ate an ice cream"

oh and make sure to ask he does same for you when she with him....

Leo, if he was abusive then everything he does now will be critical, undermining & controlling to a lesser or greater extent. Why can't he take a photo & frame it himself? Is it beyond him to ask someone in a park to take a pic of the two of them, print it off & put it in his own frame? Why should you have to do that?
When he comes to pick up, keep it business-like. Try not to get engaged in a discussion, they never end well - particularly if you are in the first year or two of the split. Any potentially difficult matters, try and stick to email or text - don't even have a phone conversation about it.
As your DD gets older she can chat on the phone to him more & skype too. He is only saying he doesn't know what she is doing - to get at you. Ignore it.
It sounds such a cliche, but time is a great healer & you will eventually get into a routine. Your feelings are exactly that & he cannot tell you how you should feel (i.e. that you are cold) - but he will try to do just that.
Good luck - it will get better.