Please help, ex is being irresponsible when seeing our daughter.

[MotheringMilly]

Hi,

Regarding access, we have never been to court etc, it has always amicable in that respect, I have just always been pleased from my daughters perspective that he wants to spend some time with her. I have never stopped him seeing her and have where possible been accommodating if he changes agreed dates, times of picking up and dropping off etc.

He has always been mildly obnoxious, confrontational (not aggressive) and disrespectful towards me. Some examples; he refuses to knock on my front door, I have to take our daughter outside and when I do he either has his window wound up or he is on his mobile, there is no acknowledgement there. When he changes a date or time to collect and I say that does not work (not out of spite, a genuine reason) his default response is to accuse me of stopping him seeing his daughter. When he brings her back late and I ask why is late he just laughs at me. In general, where he can, he is rude, obnoxious and makes things difficult for me.

Regarding being irresponsible and this is just one example, though I want to stress he has never put our daughter in danger;
Last weekend he took her to a theme park, they were out for ten hours; in that time all she ate was some chicken nuggets and all she had to drink was a can of diet fizzy drink. I have specifically told him not to give her any kind of liquid apart from water or fresh juice and I have also asked that she be given a proper lunch or dinner whenever out, chicken nuggets or fries is not good enough.

Also, something that saddened me was that my daughter asked for a t-shirt from the shop, he said that ?daddy pays mummy to get you these things, so I am not buying it?, she is six and does not understand what this means, also it is a complete insult to his own daughter as what he pays is negligible, I don?t mind that he never purchased the t-shirt it?s the explanation he offered up.

Apart from this he brought her home two hours after the agreed drop off time, he did not text to say they would be late, I was frantic as his phone was going to voicemail, I was thinking of calling the Police as I thought something may have happened. So not only did he break the agreed drop off time, the knock on effect was that I had to feed her, bath her and by then it was well past her bedtime.

I am fed up to the back teeth, I have another child and a loving husband, I should not have to spend my time fretting about my ex.

All I want is for him to be polite and courteous, drop our daughter off at agreed times and to be responsible. I do not want to stop him from seeing her. Can anyone offer up some advise as to what my options are, whether through a mediator or the courts or whoever, talking to him face to face is out of the question.

Apologies for such a long rambling message.

Thanks

i think you need to pick your battles,i dont see any there really

the courts? for what?
mediator? would he turn up?

have you tried a contact book to communicate?

Firstly, I would stop waiting at the window to see when he arrives, as surely if he's not knocking the door, this is the only way you know of his arrival? This is a power trip on his part. It stops now. He knocks the door like a civilised human being. He collects his daughter properly, like a real father.

Do you have a residency order? You need one. He can be made to adhere to pick up and drop off times, or he is breaking the terms of his contact.

WRT the t-shirt, gently, very gently, explain to your daughter that the money her Daddy gives you is to pay for things like food and bedding and uniform. It might be an idea (not sure how mature she is) to tell her how much he actually gives you, and to explain that there is never anything stopping Daddy buying her a present if he wants to, so maybe Daddy made a mistake about that.

As for the pathetic "Wah wah wah u iz stopin me seein my kid, innit!" - ignore it. He's just being a cunt, and you don't have to dignify it with a reply. Once I gave my ex the message that I do not need him to look after the children, or indeed see them at all, he stopped being such a tosser.

He does sound like a dick, but I don't think it's up to you what he gives her to eat and drink.

well I'm afraid IMO YABU about what he gives her on days out; quite possibly there was nowt else at the theme park (lots now expressly refuse visitors bringing their own nosh). Also a 6 yr old might not remember that they also had an ice lollie, a pack of crisps, hot chocolate, cheese toastie so y'know, you might not have the full picture

don't wait outside for pick ups, let him come to the door

I think you ought to consider getting a formal access arrangement in place to avoid late drop offs/plans changing etc

am i right? he's been late back once so far?

Thanks for your responses.

No I do not have a residency order, don't know what one is, will read up on that and also about formal access arrangements.

Maybe I am being slightly unreasonable about the food and drink but junk food and fizzy drinks really disrupts her sleep and affects her the next day, he is not the one who deals with that.

Where do I stand with him asking for her to stay over his during the half terms or weekends? I am against it for the simple fact that he does not live locally, he flat shares with three other guys who I do not know from Adam and also my daughter would not have her own room or bed.

Thanks

Sorry, forgot to say he has been back late on several occasions.

Does he want her to stay over? If he hasn't requested it then don't worry about it. I would be unhappy about my kids staying in a flat share.

Is it worth getting some legal advice if you think this is going to become an issue?

You don't currently have to have her staying over if he's not asking for it. I agree with others - let him come to your door and ring the doorbell/knock. If he doesn't he's the one who's "stopping himself" from seeing his own child, so to speak, not you. I think he senses your anxiety that she be well looked after and wants to toy with you by not speaking to you or being rude.

I think it's very common for XHs (esp those with no new partner or subsequent children) to bring back children late and not call (I mean up to an hour late, not very late like four hours or something.) How about giving him a time one hour earlier than necessary for supper/bath/etc, so that if he's very late it doesn't affect her quite as much. I think it's a male/ex H thing. I hope her days with him are Saturdays as Sundays means the poor child is invariably late back and has to go to school the next day tired and worn out.

The food issue is similar - XHs (unless they're particularly keen on cooking and proud of their ability to cook) often provide junk - sometimes because the child/ren see it as a rare treat and exes think it helps them score points with their child/ren. You'll have to accept that for one day she is very likely to get junk, one meal in a whole week won't kill her. If you think he might actually be starving her, it might be worth arming her with a (cheap) lunchbox or snack bag containing healthier snacks like raisins, banana, water, bun, etc.

NB If he is now asking for her to stay over, it may be worth asking a solicitor about getting a formal order/arrangement about contact done. They will often look at what is in the best interests of the child - eg a man sharing a home with another man or men is not really the safest place for a 6 year old girl. Write down a list of questions and points for the solicitor - as you probably well know, they charge according to the time spent! Also, if something wasn't previously done (the status quo) it will probably be felt to be disruptive to the child's wellbeing and not as likely to be granted.

Have you posted this before? The theme park/chicken nuggets/diet fizzy drink sounds familiar.

Nope that was not me.

Things have generally been ok since I last posted but have now potentially taken a turn for the worse.

The other week though he dropped he off a couple of hours after the agreed time, when I asked why he just smirked. He is due to have her this Sunday from 10 ? 4pm, but he text to say he was now going to have her from 9-7pm, I said that this was not convenient. I text him asking him to confirm that he intended to stick to the agreed times of 10-4pm. He has not responded, I know he is being his usual pathetic self and trying to maintain some form of control and will probably either send an ambiguous text not answering the question or he will just turn up at the agreed time and drop her off later than we had previously agreed.

I am no longer prepared to play these games, and I am not going to sit around waiting for him to respond to my text. Is it fair for me to text him once more to say that I have not heard from you I take it you can no longer make it and we have now made other arrangements?

My dad has offered to act as an intermediary where all comms go through him, my ex is such a coward that he would not dare mess my dad around, is this an option? Of course he could refuse but then I could refuse to have contact with him then it is stalemate or would this reflect badly on me if it went to court?

Failing this I think I would then be at the stage where it is time to get it all legally documented and times agreed, would I first have to go to mediation then maybe go for a contact order? There is no residency order in place, never needed it as it has never been disputed who she lives with. It maybe a case of that he gets to see more of her, but I am prepared for that, it was potentially going to happen sooner or later.

Thanks

From the outside looking in, I kind of get the feeling you're not making life very easy for yourself.
Is there a concrete reason for you not wanting him to have her 9-7 or is it just because that's not how you want it?
Obviously I don'y know the whole back story, but from what I've posted it does look like you want it all on your terms.

ahem, that would be "from what YOU'Ve posted"! lol

Not at all. It?s a long day for a kid to be out, 7pm is her bedtime, the time I have fed, bathed and read her a story it will be well passed her bedtime.
Also she is staying over her grandparents on Saturday night, for her to be back home for 9 am would mean rushing around like crazy first thing in the morning.

Besides, surely it is unreasonable for him to just tell me he intends to have her for longer and expect it to be ok.

Would he get a different answer if he asked? It's not on to tell you, of course it isn't, but equally he probably feels that it isn't on for you to be telling him how long he can see his child for, and what hours it will be for.

How often does she seem him?

Every other weekend (Saturday or Sunday), but that is his choice. I have said that I am happy for him to see more of her, after school etc, but he does not want to as it is not convenient.

The answer to that is to be out with DD at 9 and not get back until 10.

If he turns up early that is no problem, I would just not answer the door, we live in flats so he cannot access the main building and I can turn the buzzer off. It's the dropping her off after the agreed time that is the issue.

I get the impression that people think I am being unreasonable, am I? The problem is he has such a shattered ego that you give him an inch and before long he will be taking a mile.

You really wouldn't answer the door? Why don't you just say yes, it seems to me that it would be a lot less aggravation. Does it really matter that he has her for a few more hours?

Of course it matters, she will be late for bed, won't have done her homework etc.

It would be easier but then why should he be allowed to carry on as he wishes?

Ah well I tend to see bedtime as a time to aim for, if dd is a bit late back from her Dad's it wouldn't bother me. And I'd appreciate have the extra 3 hours to get things done. I'd also not want the aggravatation of having to face him knowing I'd not answered the door - in fact I couldn't let dd be put in that position.

How old is she?