Soon-to-be-ex wants to see DD but not me

[NosyRosie]

We've only been separated a month and have so far managed to be civil and meet once or twice so he can see DD.

Following a pleading email last night I sent one back outlining very clearly why I couldn't and wouldn't go back to him (emotional abuse so the list was fairly long, comprehensive and unarguable)

He has now announced that he doesn't feel able to see me because he still has feelings for me. He does, however, still want to see DD who is only just 1.

I've told him that this would be very difficult (we live 4 hours apart). He says he's not doing it to be awkward. She doesn't know his mum well enough to be left there alone until he turns up which is what I know his suggestion would be.

Has anyone else been in this position? Do I need to get legal/official about it?

so you would want to be present for contact? and why is there now a 4 hour distance?

your dd will only get used to being left with his mum if she is given a chance. what other suggestions for his contact do you have?

We're 4 hours apart because he's moved back to where he grew up.

I would want to be there at the beginning and end. I don't feel the need to be there the whole time, but because she's so young I want to make sure she feels secure about who she's with IYSWIM.

I also don't have a problem with her getting to know and spend time with his mum, but if she was to see her now she wouldn't have a clue who she was. She just hasn't seen her often enough and until she knows her better I would rather be there so that she feels confident about it.

How is she to get to know his mum better without spending time with her?

You dont want to see him, you have no problems with his mum, so why can you not go to his mum's, spend a short while settling her and then leave her there with his mum until he arrives?

So you are considering making a four hour trip to drop off your little one, so you can sit outside and then go four hours back home?

The only way this can work , is he visits you, back where he used to live and then drops the little one off again.

Do not start by bending over backwards, hes already doing the guilt thing,so dont fall for it.
What relationship do you have with his mother, if its very good(and I mean very trustworthy) then could she visit with you and the child get to know the grandmother in a supportive envioronment?

I don't think you need to get legal/official about it. The split is very recent and he's still feeling very sore (as I expect you are too). You don't yet know what his suggestion will be, so I would wait until you know what it is. If you try to keep it civil (as you are doing) it will eventually improve and you will be able to work things out.

I split up with my dh a long time ago. His said to me once (shortly after he left) that he though it would be better if he was out of the children's lives entirely. I was shocked and worried but realised he was saying it in a lashing out kind of way. I told him I disagreed and we managed (with difficulty) to talk about it. It was difficult to start with because we were both hurting so much. We now have a friendly, civil, supportive relationship (both with new partners) and the children have seen him regularly over the last 15 years. We worked hard at being as civil to each other as possible for the dc's sake and after a while, being pleasant and civil was no effort at all.

Wait and see what his suggestion is, say you'll give it a try for a couple of times and see how it goes or, if you really can't stand his suggestion, find an alternative and see whether he can cope with your suggestion. You just have try to keep communicating for the sake of your dd.