I think I need to split from my husband....htf?

[Weirdigan]

Quick bit of background....
Together 14 years, 3 children...9, 3 and 2.

He works full time but does not earn a lot. I am a SAHM with no income of my own.

My husband has anger issues....always has done. He is not violent in the physical sense, has never hit me. However, he is prone to frquent outbursts of anger, frustration and general impatience. He often speaks to me as though I were something on the bottom of his shoe...despite claiming to love me. He swears at me, calls me names occasionally (fucking retard being a favourite, or fucking mongo), raises his voice frequently, and reacts badly to being challenged about his behaviour. He is at liberty to express anger whenever it suits him, whether it is appropriate or not, and I am expected to accept this as him not really meaning anything by it, yet I am lambasted on the odd occasion I let off steam. Interestingly, he is able to control his outbursts around other people. The outbursts and disresepect I am subjected to, take place in front of our three children. I am very concerned about that, as they will either pick up that it's ok to speak to your spouse like shit, or that it is acceptable to be spoken to like shit. Not ideal is it?

He does not like to socialise and doesn't maintain any friendships. He is very negative about everything, and seems to glean very little pleasure from life. I walk on eggshells all the time, fearing that anything will set him off, and tbh, I feel quite controlled by his temper. He is a quiet, shy man and I'm sure people would be very surprised to know how domineering he can be. He shouts down my opinions, talks through me, and regularly makes me feel stupid.

He is also emotionally demanding, craving affection and respect and to be listened to - whereas I can't bear the thought of him touching me, sexually or otherwise. I don't love him any more.

I realise that he most likely suffers from long term depression and low self esteem, but seeing as he flatly refuses to seek any sort of help to address these problems (and I have tried, believe me), preferring to make me take the brunt of his unhappiness and fury instead, I don't really feel that it's something I should continue to take into consideration.

We live in a house in both our names, that is bought outright. His mother funded our home and put it into both our names. We aslo own a flat elsewhere which is mortgaged and rented out.

I have no desire to take this house away from him. His mother bought it for her son and his family. I cannot ask him to leave. He wouldn't go anyway, even if I did.

The flat we own is unsuitable for the kids and I, as is 15 miles away from school and nursery, and has only two bedrooms. I don't have a car and can't drive. If we split, I would need to stay in the local area, both for schooling and so that H may have regular access to the kids.

Where the hell do I start - I haven't a bean to my name!

Thanks.

Well no - the reason mil stepped in to help was because the mortgage was crushing us. As it is, with the rent covering the mortgage, we barely make the end of the month with so much as a tenner left. Take the rent away and it's back to ouchio!

Any family I do have are 50 miles away and we are amiable but not close. It's not an option, sadly.

Must go - my tinies are calling to get up now. Will def be checking in in a bit though - any advice is very welcome. Thank you.

Ah chick you really need to think of yourself. A friend has left her not so dh recently, she now rents a nice house for her and the kids. Housing benefit pays the bulk, she tops up with her wages.
In an ideal world, he should get out, you would get some benefit to help support the kids along with his child support.
A job would be hard to get, with 3 kids to fit around.
Stop all this stuff about poor mil, yes, poor mil, but actually, it's poor you and poor kids! She gifted you and her son the house, YOU and her son. YOU are entitled to half. Ok so you don't actually work but you have 3 kids!! That's a full timejob

Look, if you won't take this house away from him/MIL and you have had a series of no-hoper jobs before childrem, just how do you expect to maintain your children? You say you couldn't live in the two bedroom flat because it's too small...you might be forced to live somewhere very small or in a rubbish area. You need to fight for your children's financial security - this is not about his money or your money or your MIL's feelings.

The best thing would be to speak to a good lawyer ASAP. You can bet your life that your husband is going to be spiteful and unreasonable about this - don't make any promises to him or yourself about the house yet. It's a house, it's not a living breathing person. Children come before possessions.

Good luck

I agree you need to talk to MIL. I think it's quite significant she put the house into both your names, when she really didn't have to - I suspect she wanted to give you a bit of protection and security.

The bottom line is that you do have the upper hand here, morally dubious or not - if you go for divorce the matrimonial assets will be sold unless you can come up with an agreement you're both happy with; that's just what happens. A house is only a house - as long as your DH walks away with his half (and it is only half, your MIL made sure of that) then you've been fair.

Weirdigan - how are you today?

Thanks for asking Teaandcakes.

I have done a bit of digging....seen CAB and Women's Aid. WA confirm my marriage is abusive, CAB assure me that the council and social security will also regard my situation as being abusive.

I will declair myself homeless to the council, whereupon I will be offered temporary local accomodation with the kids (most likely a B&B I should think), until such a time as a suitable flat becomes available locally. I will be untitled to income support, housing benefit and council tax benefit.

So Custardo you were wrong. They DO award housing benefit to those escaping from abusive relationships - quite rightly.
The properties don't come into the equation until such a time as we divorce.

At the end of the day if I am prepared to walk away from everything I have, and my home, then they will take me seriously.

I have my family on the case to source hand me down furtiture and household goods to be stashed in my uncle's garage, and I am about to ring my brother and ask him to donate some cash until my benefits are organised. He owes me a few favours...he will help.

I am by turns elated, then shaking with fear. I plan to leave within the next couple of weeks. Wish me luck - even if I AM on the title deeds of two houses.

I've just found your thread and want to say well done for getting this far Weirdigan

Have you decided how you are going to proceed with this WRT access to the DCs?

It sounds as if leaving while he's at work would be the least confrontational option but WA can help you figure out your easiest route.

A wise man once told me it's always darkest just before dawn.

Do you have a freecycle near you? I pick up a lot of items for my home from there for free.

It does sound daunting but I think you're making the right choice, I don't have much advice for you, as my exH let me have the flat I live in without any issues but I have a lot of admiration for you and will keep following your thread x

Good luck!! Have been there myself, but im 7 years on now. Life gets better

I will not be obstructive regarding him seeing the kids.

My plan is to get everything in place, then send the kids round to mil's while I make the announcement that our marriage is over. Then I will give him the option - he leaves or I do. He will refuse to leave, so I will be ready packed with clothes and essentials, spend the night at mil's or with a pal, then go to the council the next day, and declare homelessness.

He will be aware of what is happening and an invitation to contact the kids will be open.

I have no idea how he is going to react. He will either go ballistic and give it to me both barrels, or he will retreat into himself entirely and shut down. Either way I am still leaving.

My hands are shaking as I type.
This is fucking terrifying.

Try and do it yourself then you are not tied to anyone, see citerzens advice who may be able to tell you who can help with bond money on a private house, There is a place im my area and they pay your bond but theres only so much in the pot. I would discreetly start looking into things like this. Its also worth talking to the council housing department who have a list of accredited private land lords and they can put you on the list for private and council housing. I was in a similar situation and ended up with a council house. Its a long hard slog but me and the kids are much happier now. The eldest seen a lot of the arguing and i think it has affected her. She hates people shouting and panics if they do.

I have seen Citizens Advice already and have been informed that I will be considered high priority for local housing, be it Council or HA, or from the list of accredited landlords as you describe.

I am determined to break the cycle - my dad was verbally abusive to us all, then when my mum got shot of him, my older brother was verbally abusive to me until I left home....then I got into a verbally abusive relationship and even married the bugger knowing what he was like. It had just become so normal for me to suffer insults, put downs, rejection, overt rudeness and ridicule that I couldn't see the wood for the trees.

I know now. It's not normal. Or at least, it shouldn't be.

I am very scared but certain I am doing the right thing.

This is hard because although my H has moments of lucidity, particularly after a huge clash, whereby he admits he is wrong, and says he hates himself for it, he will not recognise that he is an abuser. He has told me for years that I overreact, I am hysterical, it doesn't happen that often, that I'm oversensitive....so I am very confused as to what has happened to me. I was describing our relationship to the lady I saw from WA, and realised that I was not entirely sure if I was wasting their time. Being dramatic. I ended up wondering if it was all in my head.

H will not accept that his behaviour is bad enough that I have to leave at short notice. I already feel like I am making a mountain out of a molehill, and feel disloyal to him.

This is really scary.

You probably know you have got to do it sooner or later. The council lists are long even for emergency housing in my area. I waited 9 months. I didnt do the temporary accomodation as i had somewhere to stay. If i had to go into temporary i would probably have took a 12 month private tenancy whilst going on the council list. Make sure if you do private housing that the housing benefit will pay all the rent. You need to find out what they will pay and then you can look into finding a house. Obviously this all depends on what the council housing lists are like in your area.

But then I think about all the times he has made me cry and cry and cry. Then done absolutely nothing to address the distress I he is causing me. I think about all the times he has picked and picked at me for a fight, needling, needling....then when I finally caved (did my very best to ignore) and snapped at him, he would accuse me of 'trying to start an argument' then leap in with both feet, elated, calling me a fucking retard and telling me to go fuck myself, while the potatoes boil for tea and the kids watch telly.

Sorry...using this thread as an outpouring.

I am keeping super schtum about what I'm up to atm. Nobody knows and it is hard to contain.

Yes you are. Hold onto that.

Do you trust him not to harm you when you tell him? If you think you might not be safe then having someone else there when you tell him might be wise.

Breaking the cycle is a hard process, I've spent many years there, but it's so worth it to see your DCs grow up without the issues and low self-esteem you have yourself.

Onwards and upwards

Be careful....... Point of leaving is most dangerous! Dont look back tho,life can be so much nicer without eggshells to be treading on!

:( Weirdigan, you are in exactly the same situation as I am. Bizarrely we have two homes ( we are broke all btw) only because we couldnt sell in time for new job and my other half is a rude, verbally abusive lazy so and so. We have relocated and I am now stuck in a house that is his (not mine) which he frequently mentions. and I am saddled with debt. I had decided to stick it out until the kids were older - yours are the same age as mine, but to be honest after being called a ptaronising f - c - earlier in front of my little one for asking him to register at the job centre im looking at how to get out. The problem is these sort of men are not physically violent but the words are dreadful. I was madly in love with my other half. but each time i get called a name i just go a little bit colder.
If you want to chat more Im here - maybe we could support each other lol x

Weirdigan - just read further down your posts and omg i am convinced you are my alter ego. My other half delights in either calling names or stony silence in front of kids. Really worried about 9 yr old though, and also more possible disruption after we already moved a long way :(

maybe you can be my inspiration :)

Good morning people.

So here I sit, riddled with indecision.

Stated my case to H last night - told him I want a seperation. Said the arguing and anger wasn't a long term prospect for me, and seeing as I had given it 14 years felt enough was enough. I was quiet and measured in my speech and careful not to accuse or be in any way confrontational.

He just froze me out. Went completely silent, and stared straight ahead of him. After two hours of that I asked 'tell me how you feel!'
He replied 'my feelings are irrelevant' with a slight sneer, and that was all the chat I got out of him.
I woke up at 4am, my heart pounding, with the last traces of a dream about H putting the little ones to bed and smiling down lovingly at them. As he does. As he did that evening....before my announcement. I was overwhelmed by panic, and ran upstairs to the sofa where H was sleeping, and flung my arms around him and cried - mixed messages I know, but my current state of mind is very turbulent and mostly very confused. He remained totally immobile.
Not a word this morning before he left for work.

I decided his silent treatment was another form of emotional manipulation this morning, and decided to head for the hills. I kept ds1 off school, and started compiling a list of things to take. Ds1 is 9 and as sharp as a tack...I had to explain to him what I was doing in a child friendly, truthful, positive fashion.
He got very upset and cited a list of reasons why he loved his dad and his home. All valid. Found a photo of him and his dad and asked if we could take it and keep it next to the 'new' bed.
I mentally folded. As I went to get the suitcase out of the cupboard in his room, I looked around the cosy bedroom he loves so much and which he cried over leaving....and I crumbled.

Where were my husband's declarations of love and promises to do whatever it takes to make our marriage right?
He has never made them.

I called my H then. Asked him how he could freeze me out like that? He simply told me he could not talk about this now (at work) and I ended up gabbling rubbish into the phone.

On the one hand - his silent treatment has made me do what he wanted, without him even having to be nice to me....I have stopped packing.

On the other hand - my laddie is being fucked about something chronic (by me), and he really really does not want to leave.

Overall I am very very confused and upset (but keeping it together well on the face of it) - I want my marriage to work more than anything, but I also realise it's almost certainly not going to.

I can't believe he'd see me declare myself homeless. He has told me one thing - he will not stay in this house on his own. He has not offered to leave though.

Fuck knows. Fuck knows. Fuck knows.