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Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Divorce/separation

access question??

10 replies

daisymay1 · 20/01/2011 19:16

Cut a long story short - H walked out last New years eve, been through a year of rollercoaster rides with him. I fought to make him see our DD regularly. He has now moved in with GF of 2 months and wants to introduce DD age 5yrs into their unit. GF has no children and I have received email from her saying she will never meet me and will never have anything to do with me. H will not give me his new address nor landline (he gets no mobile signal in new house). I have my concerns about the whole thing. On one hand I want DD to have a good realtionship with her dad but I am so worried about her going to the new house. He has agreed for the next few weeks to have DD at his parents house (which is where he was living for the last year). All I want is a peaceful arrangement where DD comes first. he is hen pecked (my opinion and there is no jelousy from me about the new relationship) by GF and I think she is calling the shots.
I start divorce proceeding tommorow but I am so reluctant to get the authorities involved with child care. I do not trust him to look after DD properly. Little things like not remebering to feed her, or give her drinks - she came home one day very de-hydrated and I asked when she last had a drink, he said she hadn't asked for one so she had not had one!! I had to ask him end of last year not to take baths with her (she is 5 and just started school) as I didn't think it was really appropriate, he swears like a trooper in front of her, he scares her with his stories (he is a policeman) he tells her - jokingly!!- that he will lock her up with the burglars and such like. She will not sleep over at anyones house, even grandparents, ever - her choice, but he now wants her to stay over at his GF house!
How the heck do I protect her from going to a house where I dont know, cannot telephone her and am worried about how they will be with her.
I would like sole residency(i think that is correct) as he is so hit and miss that I am sure he will turn round one day and want her to live with him, just because he can.
Shoudl I ride this one out and let him mess us about and then be around to pick up the pieces or do I fight this out through the authorities?

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GypsyMoth · 20/01/2011 19:21

By authorities I assume you mean cafcass?

You could collect or drop her off, then you know where they live
Get her a cheap payg phone on better network just to have there?
You can't control his access. If it went to court he would prob get good access anyway. There don't sound to be any welfare issues.

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daisymay1 · 20/01/2011 19:27

mobile phone - good idea

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GypsyMoth · 20/01/2011 19:37

And send her with a water bottle/drink etc.

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stayinpositive · 20/01/2011 20:10

Would he take any advice from you with regards to her routine etc? Much as my ex is an ar*e for what he's putting me through regarding access, he is willing to take advice and ask for it. (I don't believe he follows through on my advice at all times but ultimately if the little ones come home unharmed then I think we have to let go to some extent).

It's a horrible situation to be and I'm yet to go through the authorities and don't know what they will conclude on the access arrangements but we have a stable arrangement at the moment and some communication going. If you can reach that point before going through the authorities it would potentially mean you can log your concerns, his inconsistencies and if it came to going through CAFCASS you'd have more information to back up your concerns.

Good luck :)

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Resolution · 22/01/2011 00:53

Have you given mediation a try? It sounds like you have genuine concerns that need an empathic ear from him. There's nothing major there, but a bit of cooperation can help to ease things along.

Am i right in thinking that she's only been his girlfriend for 2 months? Could be confusing for a 5 yer old.

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daisymay1 · 09/02/2011 18:59

yes GF of only 2 months, maybe 2 and half now.
He is starting to get very abusive whenever I speak to him now. DD doesnt want to see him this weekend and told him so, he cut her short and spoke to me, where he had a go and told me I should make her see him, she is only 5!

Surely no child can be forced to go? Don't get me wrong, I think she needs to have a healthy relationship with her Dad and I have tried so much to make this happen. Sadly it hasn't and now we at at this horrible stage. She does see him still, it's just that this weekend she wantys to stay with me on Saturday and see him on Sunday. He has an open invite to see her after school, but he very very rarely does. I am banging my head against a brick wall and finding it very very hard now to keep my chin up and keep battling on.

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GypsyMoth · 09/02/2011 19:10

Er no. She needs to be told she's going, keep it matter of fact and ensure she knows it's non negotiable! You wouldn't let her off school or dentist because 'she wants to stay with you' would you?

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kissingfrogs · 21/02/2011 00:48

Children have a right to be heard. You should treat them as though their opinions are valid. Listen to your child.

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Resolution · 21/02/2011 01:05

For God's sake not at age 5. If you tell this to a judge they'd go ballistic.

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kissingfrogs · 21/02/2011 15:03

Resoulution:
If you're replying to OP: you're right.
If you're replying to me: you're wrong.