CAFCASS - help

[stayinpositive]

HI there,

I'm looking for help from any mum's who've been through the CAFCASS process?

I don't know what to expect and my guilt complex is making me question whether I'll get the outcome I want from this.

Been separated for 19 months and access to ds has been fine so far. Every other weekend and every Monday (including overnight).

He wants 50/50 now up until ds goes to school. Not sure what his plan is for after that and the cynical part of me thinks it's down to not wanting to deal with half the school pick ups and drop offs but the wiser part of me thinks he has a different plan up his sleeve for then and I'll find out when the time comes!

Court proceedings kick off in a few weeks. I obviously have my reasons but I have refused to enter into mediation and after attending a session (on my own) they recommended to him that our case isn't suitable for mediation.

I fully support for ds' need for a relationship with his father and have faith that I'm doing the best for him and being reasonable. Mediation confirmed that I am within the realms of normality when it comes to the access arrangement.

He is claiming in the legal docs that obtaining 50/50 access will mean a 'solid basis for a good relationship with his father' and that that is in ds' best interests. I would question this - all based on gut instinct rather than evidence of any wrong doing. He is a good dad, just not a fully rounded person and who has also been diagnosed with depression in the last 19 months. (this is in no way a judgement of people with depression but in his case, it clouded all sense of reason and I would hate for ds to ever be victim to that).

Anyway - I could talk for hours about this but what I would like is for anyone who can relate to this, and has been through CAFCASS interviews etc. What can I expect?

thanks
:)

hi there, have NOT been through CAFCASS so cannot advise on that, however, have been to court over access. First off there are groups out there specifically on this, there was one group I followed called Mums for Justice which if you google will find and hopefully find useful. From those and other discussions cafcass can seem a mixed bag, some people are not happy with the level of intrusion this presents. are you sure this is the only way you can go to resolve your issues with him?
You say that you 'have your own reasons' re not going down meidation and it suggests you don;t feel you can talk to him. Any concernes you have over his behvaiour with regard to your relationship may have a bearing and will come out; i found mnysefl trying to be very clear about what the risks of hs bevhaiour were for my daughter, and they made a big difference the tack my laywers took in court. Good luck!!

so how does he propose 50/50....what does he specifically want?

i have been through cafcass process in respect of contact visits. me and ex had separate interviews without dd then had to go back a second time to be observed for half an hour individually to see how we were with her. they then wrote a (very long) report that was sent to the court advising what they thought was best sort of contact to arrange which was at the time for it to be supervised at a contact centre. the cafcass lady was actually very nice and very fair and they were very sensitive to all of our needs and really took the time to get both sides of story

Thanks for the replies and advice.
I'll look into Mothers for Justice aswell.

I would love to resolve this outside of court but the only way would be to agree to what he wants. His controlling was a major issue in our relationship and, ironically, becoming a mum and realising I wanted and needed to feel in control myself, created the final nail in the coffin.

Now that I'm in a position where he asks and I agree or disagree (mostly agree and have only disagreed to more access on the advice of my solicitor who suggested I would have been in a weaker position if he ever tried for joint custody/50/50 contact which he's now filing for) he can't stand not feeling any control. He's constantly creating little battles and manipulating me into giving in so that he can still control me when he can.

One thing he always has had an issue with is paying maintenance. Because he's paying for a flat by himself, he thinks that paying me maintenance is just cash in my pocket. I earn slightly more than him and he won't accept that maintenance isn't just for nappies and milk etc. Now that our house is sold and I'm renting, I've told him he can stop maintenance payments but I think he realises this will look bad in court. He's also representing himself to save money. I have no idea yet whether this is a disadvantage or not.

And I really didn't want this to turn into anything remotely nasty but I can't help thinking I'll have to bring up my concerns about ds ever being treated the way I was/am. My solicitor told me that a judge wouldn't take any notice of it unless there had been actual evidence of him mistreating ds. There hasn't been, but a lot of his problems stem back to his father and clearly I have concerns about his influence over ds growing up.

Anyway, thanks for listening. x

good luck, i know how hard it can be going through the process of contact/cafcass etc etc but the courts and cafcass on the whole i found to be very fair and they do take any concerns seriously.

hello

Having been through it all with a very manipulative ex, I would say try not to worry about CAFCASS too much.

Keep as calm as you can and keep child focused.

You are likely to be asked to make compromises over contact and offering more time, you will need to have your reasons about why you don't want that to happen, straight in your head and to be reasons that are based on what's best for your child.

Don't talk about money or child support, it is entirely unconnected.

For what it's worth, my first meeting with them was a disaster - I had a migraine and I get verbal dyslexia with them so I kept saying random words, but we built up a good relationship in the end and they worked hard for littleding.

When you get their report, please don't expect it to reflect what a great job you are doing, unless the circumstances are exceptional it's very unlikely they will compliment you. If they don't criticise you that's a good thing, because they have found no faults to report.

Good luck, it's not as bad as you think it's going to be.

Thanks both.

All sounds more positive than I thought - although I went to see the solicitor dealing with the divorce today (haven't filed for it yet but now the house is sold and equity has been split it's the next step) and explained about the access case.

She suggested the CAFCASS step might be skipped altogether and we might go straight to a final hearing - on the basis that CAFCASS are strapped for resource and there's no physical risk or threat to ds by either party.

I'm now also seeing a counsellor for the first time in my life - I've never felt I needed it other than prior to the marriage breakdown where I was going out of my head with worry and stress (he wouldn't 'allow' it and talked me round).

I think a lot of my anxiety about the court process stems from his manipulation and controlling nature and that he would effectively come across as the calm rational parent, while pushing as many buttons as he could, resulting in me either giving in and hating him or me losing it and looking like the irrational unreasonable one.

I'm feeling much more confident that with the counsellor's help I can start to detach my feelings towards him and our situation and truly focus my energies on explaining why joint access isn't in ds' best interests without it becoming too personal or me becoming overly emotional.

Have to say - like many others in this situation I'm sure - I can't quite believe it's come to this.

It would be a less bitter pill to swallow - should he win - if he was ever close to a 50/50 parent when we were together.

Anyway, I really appreciate your replies. I don't get chance to check this every day but I hope you get to see this so I can pass that on. None of my friends are going through this and my family and new partner are too biased in my favour so just get overly protective which just makes me feel worse in case the outcome makes them feel let down in some way. I'm sure the counsellor will help me process that better when we reach that conversation!

Thanks again. x

Hi again

It was my wonderfully protective family that sort of ended up making me stay in my marriage too long because I was terrified of 'letting them down'

My counsellor helped me hugely and I had a 'space' of my own to work through things without affecting anyone any further with the fallout of my marriage.

Good luck,

Hi, just to add to the above, don't worry too much about Cafcass. I was terrified that they would believe my manipulative, controlling and violent ex. I have just got the report (back in court next week!) and it's fine. The lady was very nice and fair. They see these sorts of people everyday and the fact that he has been manipulative & controlling needs to be raised. It will be OK, just don't don't allow him to dictate the outcome. You seem reasonable so look or a reasonable outcome, maybe try CAB for a steer? Good luck, don't be afraid & remember why you're doing it.

I received a letter from CAFCASS today confirming that they will be in touch to arrange my interview soon. Seems they're not too busy then.

Thanks for the reply ddrmum. Sound advice and I hope I can do my little one justice.

Any ideas on how long this all takes? My solicitor suggested months so by the time an outcome is given in court it might only be for a few months - because he's only requesting this until school age. Surely there's an argument to say that changing the routine in a few months and then again when he goes to school is all a bit more disruptive than ideal?