Respite care first timers .... advice needed.

[NagathaCrispy]

My DH has mid-stage vascular dementia, is double incontinent and has significant mobility issues. I have been his carer for several years. He has finally agreed to go into a care facility for a couple of weeks to give me a respite break and after a bit of coming and going with Social Services and care homes, I have managed to organise this for early July.

I have booked a short solo holiday for myself in the UK and am looking forward to the break. I am planning to take him to the home on 1st July, which is a Wednesday, and leave for my break on the Friday, giving myself Thursday to pack and generally get organised.

I was planning to go and visit him on the Thursday to check he's OK, but a friend has asked me what I will do if he decides he wants out and wants to come home?

So ....... is it better that I take him and not return until I get back from my break, or should I pay a quick visit before I go to check he's OK? This is a first time for us both, so not sure how to handle it. All thoughts very welcome. Thanks.

I wouldn't visit. It is likely to unsettle him (and you) because he will almost certainly say he wants to come home. And ten minutes after you leave he will not remember you visited anyway.

He needs time to settle in and get to rely on the staff.

Enjoy your holiday, you deserve some time to yourself. 💐

Wishing you both the best for July. Personally, I’d be inclined to let him settle in and leave the staff to establish a routine before visiting. A quick visit can sometimes unsettle things and make goodbyes harder. Enjoy your break without guilt - you’ve earned it after years of caring. I hope you come back feeling rested and refreshed.

I agree. Don't visit. He will be struggling to learn new people and how things work and a visit from you will disrupt that. Just go and enjoy your well deserved break.

My FIL went in to respite with his dementia. He didn't exactly agree but then his dementia meant he hadn't a clue how difficult he was to look after.

MIL dropped him off and as advised didn't say goodbye but that she was just going to the loo. This avoided him being upset and he didn't really question why he was there.

She did visit most days and repeated the 'just going to the loo' each time. If he did ask about going home distracting him with 'tomorrow if the nurses let us, ooh look what's for lunch' worked very well.

At the end of the respite stay she had realised how exhausted she had been and didn't take him home. The care home said this was very very common.

OP I hope you manage a lovely holiday as you surely deserve it.

Thank you all for the advice. I think I'll take him and go off on holiday without going back to visit as he has very little concept of time anyhow. He seems happy enough to go, so we'll see how it goes. On one of his better days, he did ask me what would happen if he liked it and wanted to stay!! I'll keep you posted ....!