What should social services do? Feeling alone

[almond123]

TLDR - what are social services actually supposed to do and how are they supposed to help?

My mum moved closer to me, though in own flat 6 doors down, about 9 months ago, as she undoubtedly has some form of dementia though is still waiting for a scan and formal diagnosis.

She had been coping well, if declining, with non-personal care help* from me.

[* I managed the house move for her practically and administratively, I manage her finances (she couldnt cope with online anyway and the bank is now over an hour away), I organise everything for her and take her to everything no matter how near or far, I arrange doctors appointments, dentist, opitican, hospital, hair, nails, take her to one day a week day centre, one exercise class a week, cleaners as she no longer cleans, laundry, shopping inc groceries, 6 hot meals a week, flat renovations, medicine given daily, anything done round the house like toilet unblocking heating issues etc]

She had been having some urinary incontinence, but a bout of mild diarrhea about three weeks ago meant she became doubly incontinent (and unaware of this). In default of there being no one else, I had to care for her, changing and washing her several times a day at my house whilst trying (unsuccessfully obviously) to work from home.

Not being able to cope, and worried I'd lose my job, I contact social services. The lady came and asked a lot of questions. The end result was her telling me "to get a carer in".

This week, my mum had a fall that needed A&E. Luckily she was ok physically, at least nothing broken, but she was noticably more confused and for the first 5 hours in A&E she found it hard to move without help. However, when the doctor came with the last clear test result, my mum had had a nap and was moving a lot better. The doctor wanted to discharge her. I refused to accept that, as I'd seen my mum all night and didn't have confidence that by the morning proper (it was 12:30am at this point) that she would be mobile enough or mentally sharp enough to be safe on her own. I told the doctor that I wanted a social worker assessment and physio assessment before discharge from A&Ee. Both were refused. Against my assessment of her safety, which I made the doctor write down, she was refused admission to the hospital and discharged from A&E.

Within 5 hours alone in her flat, by 8am, she'd flooded it, causing hundreds maybe thousands of damage and, more importantly created not only a trip hazard but electrical too, since it got into the electrics. Luckily it fused out but obviously she could have been killed.

I rang the social worker up again saying I needed help with the situation. The social workers first response was, word for word, "what do you want me to do". She begrudgingly came round.

I expected social workers and POA (i.e. me) interactions to be like doctors and patients (or patient advocates). The doctors diagnose the problem, offer best advice and patient accepts, or refuses, or asks for alternatives. With the social worker, it seems to be down to me in every part of the process.

I am the one expected to both identify the problems, identify my mum's needs and get them sorted. But I feel I don't either don't understand what my mums personal care needs are (how often does she need carer, what are they supposed to do for her, what can't they do, is her home safe, how might someone with dementia endanger themselves, does she to be monitored or checked on ) or when I say she's not safe on her own, like in A&E no one cares. Even the social worker said my mum was right to have been denied hospital admission or social worker assessment prior to A&E discharge, despite her obviously being a danger to herself as was proved.

What the social worker seems most bothered about is me justifying the decisions I take for my mum as POA, to social services.

In the end, at the second meeting with the social worker, I refused to make decisions and said I would go with what she as a social worker assessed was best for my mum. I also refused to make arrangements for additional carers, so that the social worker would have to do the assessment of my mum's needs herself and the care level put in place would be appropriate, rather than me having to take guess at what my mum needs.

The social worker also arranged respite care for my mum, but only at my insistance as the flat now needs work (tho thankfully less than I expected) and whilst the social worker wanted my mum to stay at my house she's incontinent, cant be trusted with my stairs so needs close monitoring (she tried to stand on the top steps and put her socks on, which she'd taken off for no reason), I have a full time job and am a single parent to a 10 year old who hates the current situation (not selfishly, she just sees me stressed and granny has essentially become a strange old woman who does weird things to her).

I feel like really this whole situation with my mum and the care she needs, domestic or personal, is down to me. The only assistance I've got from social services is when I'm at the end of my tether AND tell them I'm withdrawing any help for my mum (I'm not and I don't want to, but if I do stuff for my mum, social services seem to do nothing), and even then getting any advice from them seems to like getting blood from a stone.

So I guess my question is, what are social services supposed to do? Am I having a normal experience? How are they supposed to help? Or are they just there to monitor relatives and try to push everything back on them?

I'm left feeling more alone after contacting social services. Like they are there to make sure I keep my mum safe but without any advice, let alone help, from them.

For context, I have a full time job I'm worried is at risk and I'm a single parent to a 10 year old daughter who should be my priority but is currently having not to be.

you will need to insist that your mum has a an assessment under the care act 2014. you are not your mums main carer you are her daughter and neither your mum nor you wanted you to be involved in her personal care as she gets older. Care assessment should cover her daily living needs ( dressing, washing, toileting, preparing food - and shopping) and also her social needs such as maintaining her connections with the community , these are all the things you have been doing yourself. make it clear it is not sustainable for you to do all of this long term but you can do something such as a weekly online shop, short visits but you work and are a parent. They will do a care needs assessment to determine what she needs and then a financial assessment to determine who pays for it. Even if she is getting full support from her own assessment you are still entitled to a carers assessment yourself

From Chat gpt. If you don’t use it already, you need to from now on.

What you’re describing is, unfortunately, very common in adult social care in the UK — especially for relatives caring for someone with dementia while trying to hold down a job and raise children. But “common” does not mean acceptable, and it also does not mean you are misunderstanding the system.
You are already functioning as:

• unpaid carer,
• care coordinator,
• advocate,
• administrator,
• emergency responder,
• medication supervisor,
• safeguarding monitor,
• cleaner,
• transport service,
• and effectively a case manager.

That is far beyond “helping mum out.” The key thing to understand is this: Social services are not supposed to wait until carers collapse before acting. Under the NHS / Care Act system, they do have duties — but families are often left carrying the practical burden unless they push very firmly. Here’s what they are supposed to do.

What social services are actually supposed to do
For an adult with suspected dementia, adult social care should normally provide:
1. A Care Needs Assessment
This is not just:
“What do you want us to do?”
It should be a structured assessment of:

• mobility,
• cognition,
• continence,
• medication management,
• nutrition,
• washing/dressing,
• safety awareness,
• falls risk,
• ability to use appliances,
• vulnerability,
• social isolation,
• risk of self-neglect,
• risks in the home,
• and ability to live independently.

From what you describe, your mum clearly has:

• cognitive impairment,
• continence problems,
• falls risk,
• impaired judgement,
• inability to manage safely alone,
• and significant self-neglect risk.

Those are exactly the kinds of things social services are meant to assess.

2. A Carer’s Assessment — FOR YOU
This is the bit many carers are never properly told.
Under the Care Act, you are entitled to your own assessment as a carer.
Not as an afterthought.
Not as “can you cope a bit longer?”
A proper assessment should look at:

• your work,
• your mental health,
• parenting responsibilities,
• sleep,
• stress,
• whether caring is sustainable,
• whether you are willing and able to continue.

This is important: You are NOT legally required to provide unlimited care. Social services often operate informally as though: “family will manage.” But legally, your willingness matters. If caring is affecting:

• your employment,
• your child,
• your health,
• or safety,

that should materially change the care plan.

3. Safeguarding / Risk Assessment
The flooding incident is a major red flag.
Not because she intentionally did anything wrong — but because it demonstrates:

• impaired safety awareness,
• inability to manage emergencies,
• inability to recognise danger,
• and risk of serious harm.

A vulnerable adult flooding a flat and creating electrical hazards after being discharged overnight absolutely should trigger concern. You were not unreasonable in challenging the discharge.

4. Arranging Care Services
This is where reality and theory diverge.
In practice, social workers often expect families to:

• source carers,
• arrange agencies,
• coordinate schedules,
• and fill gaps.

But they can and should:

• assess required frequency,
• identify eligible needs,
• arrange funded care (where criteria met),
• arrange respite,
• arrange occupational therapy,
• arrange equipment,
• refer for falls prevention,
• refer for continence support,
• and discuss long-term options.

5. Occupational Therapy (OT)
Honestly, this sounds urgently needed.
OT assesses:

• home safety,
• falls risks,
• bathing/toilet safety,
• wandering risks,
• cooking/appliance dangers,
• aids/adaptations,
• grab rails,
• bed/chair support,
• alarms,
• monitoring systems,
• and whether someone is safe living alone.

You should specifically ask for: “An urgent OT home safety assessment due to cognitive decline, falls risk and inability to maintain safety in the home.”

Why it feels like everything is pushed onto you
Because the system is heavily rationed and under pressure.
Social workers often function less like:
“Here is the care package”
and more like:
“What can family realistically continue doing?”
That is emotionally brutal for carers because it feels like:

• nobody is taking ownership,
• nobody gives clear advice,
• and you’re somehow responsible for predicting risks you aren’t trained to assess.

Your instinct is correct: you should not be expected to independently design a dementia care plan. That is exactly why assessments are supposed to exist.

About the hospital discharge
What happened is also sadly common.
A&E’s job is generally:

• rule out acute medical crisis,
• stabilise,
• discharge if medically fit.

That does not mean someone is functionally safe. You were assessing:

• cognition,
• practical safety,
• overnight risk,
• ability to cope alone.

Those concerns were valid. The flooding incident strongly supports your concerns.

One extremely important thing:
Stop understating the situation
Carers often accidentally minimise things because they are coping heroically.
Instead of:
“She’s a bit confused.”
Use:

• “unsafe unsupervised”
• “cannot safely live alone”
• “lacks insight into risks”
• “double incontinence”
• “high falls risk”
• “requires prompting/supervision”
• “carer breakdown risk”
• “risk to employment”
• “dependent child impacted”
• “vulnerable adult safeguarding concern”

Those phrases matter in the system.

You also need to protect yourself
You are reaching burnout territory.
You are:

• solo parenting,
• working full time,
• providing escalating dementia care,
• sleep deprived,
• emotionally overloaded,
• and carrying responsibility for serious risks.

That is not sustainable indefinitely. And social services should not quietly build a care system around your collapse.

Practical next steps
I would strongly suggest:
Ask formally (in writing) for:

• Full Care Act Needs Assessment
• Carer’s Assessment
• Occupational Therapy assessment
• Falls assessment
• Continence service referral
• Memory clinic follow-up
• Written care plan
• Review of whether living alone remains safe

Be explicit:
Say:
“I cannot safely sustain the current level of care alongside full-time employment and sole parenting responsibilities.”
That matters legally and practically.

Keep a log
Document:

• falls,
• flooding,
• confusion,
• wandering,
• incontinence,
• unsafe behaviour,
• medication problems,
• nighttime issues,
• near misses.

This creates evidence of need.

Lastly
You are not failing.
You are currently holding together a situation that would normally involve:

• family carers,
• paid carers,
• OT,
• district nurses,
• dementia services,
• respite,
• and regular monitoring.

The fact you’re asking: “What are they actually supposed to do?” usually means the system has already left you carrying far too much alone.

I care for my DH with dementia with no family support. I can’t offer any real insights into OPs situation and don’t want to de-rail the thread, but thank you for the above reply, which has actually given me some clear insights into my own situation, and a clear check list of what should happen. I can say that all of the above has happened for us, but it has taken 2 years!

You will have to chase them and be patient. It’s not easy. Sending a solidarity hug.