How to tell mum with dementia about my breast cancer diagnosis?

[Weirdconditionaltense]

I'm going to give the background first. My mum has dementia which was diagnosed about 18 months ago, She lives alone, with carers twice a day, which she still doesn't seem to understand, as in she often asks me what their role is.

So in the last week I've had the results of a biopsy and I have breast cancer. Caught fairly early soon so hopefully after the treatment it's going to be ok. I live half an hours away from mum and I go to see her usually about 3 times a week.. My brother sees her about as often as me, He's a vulnerable adult, suffered with psychosis but these days it's under control. I work 3.5 days a week, some pressure in the job but I think my employers are going to be understanding since I gave them the news.

Have told my 3 adult kids, my in-laws, various close friends, but now don't know how to tell my mum. Or my brother.

Does anyone have similar experience please? It's mainly telling my mum, the issue.

She was a nurse, and has nursed lots of people in the 60' s and 70's although mainly children, with cancers. I don't want her to feel really bad about it. I can't face her questioning me about it every night on the phone...Any response, any ideas how to approach it would be great. Thanks.

Aww gosh that sounds hard OP. How much will she understand?

To be honest, I wouldn't tell her. It will probably add to your stress having to keep explaining.

I'm sorry to read that 😔. Wishing you well with your treatment!

Wrt telling your mum, and I ask this gently - what are you hoping to achieve?

I think she'll understand very well. But her experience is from a time when there was less success in dealing with cancer so she may be more pessimistic.

I wouldn’t tell either of them. No point in adding to anyone’s (I’m including you!) stress levels. There are sometimes in life where you have to weigh up the pros and cons and this is one of those situations. There’s nothing to be gained from telling them by anyone.

Do you have to tell her, and your brother? Do you think they might hear it from someone else, or she will notice if you can't visit so often?

Because she will find out in time so i'm thinking I may as well tell her. I won't be able to visit as often. I guess my hair will fall out after a few months .

@HelenaWilson they won't hear from anyone else - if I ask people to lie/ avoid the subject for me- but it will affect my ability to visit her, to drive and to do her shopping, which I currently do.

I’m sorry OP for both yours and your mum’s diagnosis. That is really hard.

I don’t think you should tell her. If she doesn’t understand what her carers are doing then she won’t be able to give you the comfort and support you need from your mum.

It’s a weird feeling. I was extremely unwell when pregnant with my second DC but I knew that my DM who was in the later stages of dementia wouldn’t understand.

Have you been told what treatment you are likely to have? If it has been caught early, you might not need chemotherapy so you may have no visible signs of being ill.

Until you are absolutely sure, and know that you will need to miss visits etc, I would hold off telling her if it is likely to cause her distress or cause you distress from her constantly asking you about it or wanting reassurance.

That's tricky op.

With my kids my rule (with any tricky news) was need to know and age-appropriate. When my mum was diagnosed with cancer, I didnt tell them anything until she was diagnosed, then it was 'grandma is ill, she needs surgery but will likely be ok in six months'.

I suppose your mum will guess soon enough if you're likely to loose your hair. But can you cite work for decreased visits in the meantime?

Im so sorry to hear about your diagnosis and wish you well with your treatment. I agree with some other posters who have questioned whether you really need to tell your mum. Her dementia may well mean thst she won’t necessarily realise if you can’t see her as often, and I agree thst you may find it very distressing having to re-tell her on a regular basis, particularly if her reaction is likely to be based on her experience of cancer treatment when the prognosis was not as good as it is now. I don’t know if youve got your treatment plan yet, but I had breast cancer several years ago, and didn't have to have chemo or radiotherapy, so once I’d recovered from my surgery, no-one would have been able to tell just by looking at me.

I lost my mum to dementia. What I learnt is that any new news wasn’t retained. She had an ok memory for older events but if I said anything that occurred recently, she’d forget it quickly.

So, by all means tell her, explain to her everything but be prepared to do it again, and again and again.

I honestly wouldn’t bother, it will be upsetting for her to hear but then upsetting for you if she is unable to give you support and understanding.

Hope all goes well for you. Sounds like a tough time.

I agree with this - I don’t think there is anything to be gained from telling them at this stage.
im so sorry you are going thru this tho x

@Growlybear83 they've told me I will need chemo. They haven't decided the exact regime yet, but yes it will be chemo and then most likely surgery. But as others are saying, I'm now thinking I can delay telling her until it gets to be more unreasonable to withhold the information

So sorry to read your diagnosis- please seek all the support you can. Have you got details of your treatment? Please talk to your bcn about how you will be affected.
in the meantime can you put in place extra help for your dm- can you extend the carers remits, seek an additional person to visit/ sort shopping?
I would try not to tell her until perhaps your hair is affected- she won’t retain the information and it will probably worry her because of her experience.
And please seek support for you. It’s a roller coaster. There are brilliant threads on here for info/ support and often local groups.
I also recommend look good feel better charity. Look after yourself. 🌺

I just wouldn't tell her, she won't be in a place to give you the empathy and support you would hope for - so don't put yourself under more pressure.

I met a number of women at various clinics and support groups who had gone through chemo and had used a cold cap with a great deal of success. That might be something to consider when you have your treatment ?

Thanks very much. Sounds like good advice. I'll look into the look good, feel better people as well. That's nice of you to pass this on.

I would be tempted to say nothing to your mum. If your brother can't be trusted to keep it from her then don't tell him either. With regards to all the things you do for her.. visits, shopping etc ask your adult children to step up. Even if it is to meet the shop that has been ordered on line or to assess what is needed. Cleaners if it is in her budget and see if there is a community bus service to get her to appointments if you aren't available.

I would also let her adult social services and GP know.

Edit for spelling

I also wonder whether it is worth telling her, at this point.

My late DH had a different cancer with a very poor expected outcome and his mum, with dementia, just never remembered - it was heartbreaking telling her over and over again.

[In terms of your treatment, you don't say exactly what you're expecting, and you might not know the full plan yet. The below is my brief timeline, in case it is of any help.
EDIT: you added your treatment details while I was typing, so perhaps ignore this bit.

Breast cancer diagnosis last September following finding a lump and going to the GP. Small - 1.6cm, hormone positive tumour, no lymph node spread.
Lumpectomy & lymph node removal end Oct, 1 week off work and then a couple of weeks mainly working from home.
Radiotherapy in January around which I mainly worked from home.
Main issue was fatigue, post both surgery and radiotherapy.
No chemotherapy advised.]

Best of luck with your treatment.

https://lookgoodfeelbetter.co.uk

I’ve had breast cancer twice and I’m now looking at a third stage 4 diagnosis. My mum has dementia. I told her about the first two times, but she wasn’t forgetful at all then - five and four years ago. This time is more tricky. I’m not sure about telling her - she will only fret and get very anxious and upset. I’ve never had chemo with any of my diagnoses, though, and didn’t lose my hair.

I was diagnosed with BC last Sept and have just finished treatment. My sisters and I share daily care of my DM who is 90 and was diagnosed with dementia last year. I decided not to tell her at first as I didn’t think it would benefit her in any way, and that I would wait until treatment was over so that I could just give her positive news. I’ve been allowed to be ‘off duty’ during my recovery and haven’t seen her very much. It doesn’t sound as though you will have the same opportunity unfortunately.
Recently, being with her has felt quite difficult - feeling emotional about my life whilst hiding it with my DM.
I decided to tell her what had been going on and picked my moment carefully at lunchtime one day. She was interested and concerned and then asked for more potatoes and changed the subject.
She will process the info and may or may not refer to it again. It feels a bit sad that my thoughts and feelings about my BC cant be shared, but on balance, I think it’s preferable for her not to feel scared or upset about it.
I wish you well with your treatment . You are at the most challenging stage - and having dementia and cancer on your family radar is very difficult. Try as much as you can to off load as many responsibilities as you can -at home and at work.
Sending love for your peace of mind.

Am sorry about your diagnosis ,hopefully the treatment will be successful and not too many side effects.
I personally wouldn’t tell your Mum given that her short term memory is so poor.
If she cannot retain the information you would have to keep giving her the bad news that would be distressing for your Mum and for you.