supporting family members

[AuntieDen]

MIL has been accepted into a home. She's likely to move in around 2 weeks, as a family we're happy with the home, they have met her and feel she's a good fit, so just FIL to visit and see her proposed room and then waiting until its been redecorated for her and thats it.

Logically everyone knows this is best. will enable better care for her, will mean FIL and BIL are able to spend quality time with her rather than just coping, etc etc.

DH and I (who don't live close but spent last week there to care for her and give him a break and it almost broke us) are trying to support the decisions they are making, but without dictating what they 'should' do and acknowledge it doesn't really impact on us other than giving us our holiday time back for non caring duties...

But last night, now its 'time', BIL was in pieces because emotionally he feels like he could/should have done more. He's done far more than most people would, even taking a leave of absence to care for her for the past two years, and he does understand he can't do more.

I'd really appreciate any suggestions from anyone who's been a primary carer what would have helped them at this point? - what can we say or do which will help him with the emotional impact? He does have a therapist (as does FIL) and one of us will offer to go and look after FIL for a week when she's settled so he can just go and totally relax somewhere, if he'd like to do that. We can speak as often as it helps and will do anything he asks us to (but we don't want to take over if he will feel better if he does things for her like ordering single bedding etc)

I just feel so useless, partly because of distance but partly because I'm not sure anything can actually make this better.

Would some actual support from DH on the day she goes into the home help? He jokingly said "take her in" when we said what can we do, and I guess Dh could actually do that if we book flights etc, but I'm not sure if he really would want that, I'm not sure if he even knows the answer himself.

No other family he would want involved for more local support. I guess telling them is actually something practical we could take on which might help...

The only thing I can think of is to very gently remind him that this kind of condition will only get worse, and with MIL in the home, you will all be in a much better position to help her when it does. Navigating the selection, logistics and admin of a placement when the sufferer is in an acute stage is obviously extremely stressful and can lead to adverse outcomes.

Sending strength, OP. This is not easy.

What helped me when I was primary carer for my mum and my sister was less able to help as she was 00s of miles away was
a) her listening and sympathising and acknowledging all I was doing
b) her reminding me that mum did not want me to wreck myself for her
c) her sweeping in periodically and taking over completely for a few days

MIL and FIL will still need care and support from BIL, it will just be different. If he asks for something, even joking, treat it seriously. You sound very kind.

thank you both - I am pleased we started looking well before we needed a placement and a little surprised that everyone is actually in agreement that now there's a place where we want we should accept. We talked about deferring until it felt right, but now it clearly does feel right.

Thank you for the practical things we can do @olderbutwiser - we absolutely will continue to sweep in and care for FIl periodically, it will be easier for DH to do things for him as MIL would not let him do personal care which meant more fell to me.

I guess I also feel guilty because it is actually easy for me. She absolutely needs to be in home and although I love her i can very clearly see its best for everyone. plus my df has cancer and I can't spend another year with all my holiday going towards caring for her because some will need to go towards him. I don't have the emotional guilt everyone else does but I feel so bad for them and i don't know how to fix it :(