Handhold please, difficult family and parents refusing support.

[jellyfish798]

First time poster so be kind please, feel v overwhelmed and would much appreciate handhold.
Parents have got to the stage where one needs full time care (dad) due to dementia, and many physical health needs. Mum has been primary carer for some time, done an amazing job, but now isn't coping. However, she consistently refuses help and is in denial. The way the wind is blowing I think she and other family members plan to put pressure on me to start providing respite care, probably staying at their home for a minimum of 1 week a month.
I don't feel able to do personal care or lifting and I think both will be needed. I'd be expected to hold down my full time wfh job alongside this and my college course.
Worried about the impact on my mental health, relationship, finances. I also have insomnia and am aware trying to do so many things on little sleep won't be good for me.
My partner is supportive but has said many times that we are only delaying the inevitable and carers will eventually be required. His mum had similar needs and he also tried to provide support alone for awhile, before eventually carers then nursing home needed.
I feel terribly low, pulled in all directions and unsure how much control I have over my life. Been awake most of the night worrying about the conversations which will be had today and what family will expect me to do.
Any advice appreciated xx

I hear you, I do feel it's an ever changing situation and we might plan for something that then doesn't even happen anyway because he ends up in hospital

In a way having no money simplifies it. If it’s your B saying no carers then I would get your DH to speak or message him if it’s too much for you to handle directly. Use language that a male chauvinist might understand “ My DW had commitments to her own DCs and myself, she can commit to one day per month only.” Then put in the referral- your B sounds like a right old piece of work anyway so no great loss if you fall out with him.

If it’s your DM then appeal to her sense of reason “DM I have x, y and z to do.I can come once per month and that is it. I am going to put in a referral so F can get the support he needs.”

You make it clear that work has clamped down on policies and that WFH means your permanent residence.

Beyond that you say no, that you aren’t well and you can’t do any caring.

Can I suggest you check out the Cockroach Cafe threads on the elderly relatives board (not sure how to link it, sorry). This is a 'safe space' with lots of people grappling with trying to deal with elderly relatives and still remain sane themselves. Parents who desperately need external help but seem to think their daughter should do it all instead seem to be pretty common and you'll get loads of advice from people who know what it's like. Arsehole brothers who think they know everything and expect their sisters to do as they say are also a common theme! Posters on that thread often say 'if you have to choose between guilt and resentment, choose guilt'.

I'm in a not dissimilar situation myself and have had to take a big step back. Your elderly parents have the right to decide what they want to do but have no right to dictate that you sacrifice yourself to facilitate that.

Your parents are going to deteriorate in any case, whether you do what they want or not, and things will get harder. This is the case you need to make very strongly.

Of course we understand that olds 'don't want strangers interfering' (MIL's exact words) and hate the loss of independence, but the strain and stress of picking up the slack is too much for one person to cope with.

Insist that you will not commit to anything until an assessment has been done by adult social care. Sorry if they don't like that idea, but everyone has to be realistic and compromises will have to be made.

Good luck OP, dealing with MIL who was also a denier and refuser was two years I never want to go through again.

I'm sorry to hear you went through this too. That's exactly what my mum has been saying, word for word, first with my gran (who since passed after a long illness) and now with dad.

That's great advice thank you I will check that out. Sending strength I hope things can get better for you too.
I feel like hell but it is helping to talk xx

This is really unfair , i can't imagine trying to work in this environment.
You have some good advice here ,don't give in to any awful relatives putting pressure on you, perhaps even tell a white lie that you have to go back to working in an office , regardless do what suits you !
Try not to feel too much guilt , you are not in a position to look after your father and that's that and stick to it !

You say no.
You keep saying no.

Thank you. The work thing has been normalised for so long I'd gotten used to it and it helps to understand this isn't how it is for everyone. I feel like I lose track of what a normal life looks like and I have hopeless boundaries. I don't know how to set them and what is reasonable x

Another tactic is to feign cluelessness. ‘Oh I don’t know. I don’t think I can. My boss won’t let me. I’m not sure how I could do that. I’ll see if I have time’

That sometimes works better for me, because it’s harder to argue with than a clearly stated position (or opposition). Make like a jellyfish and be inconsistent and unreliable.

Your comment about not being sure how much control you have over your life really struck a chord with me. I'm facing a similar situation and for a long time felt like I had no choice but to do what the rest of the family expected of me - if they and mum wouldn't even discuss external care what choice did I have? I've realised that I felt like that because I'm so used to feeling it's my responsibility to manage mum's feelings and keep the peace. I've also realised that at some level I fear being judged by other family members and losing the relationships with them. I've been asking myself why I feel this way. Why is it my responsibility to look after mum when they disagree with how I would do it (ie using external carers)? If it's so important to them that she is cared for by family why don't they offer to do it? Why don't their reasons for not being able to give up their lives to help mum also apply to me? And crucially, why am I concerned about keeping a relationship with family members if they think so little of me that they will be unpleasant to me if I don't do exactly as they say I should? Would there be any detriment to my life if people like that were no longer part of it?

Perhaps it would help you to ask yourself similar questions. It's not easy I know.

Your brother's take is you are the female and he's the male. Therefore it's your job. I'll bet he has a better more important job etc etc too.

Thank you for this, I am definitely going to reflect on this - so much brilliant support from everyone, I'm really grateful and benefiting from this site so much. Feel quite lonely a lot of the time, I have a lovely partner but new to the area and don't have any female friends close by. This site is helping me in lots of ways & I've done a lot of thinking today and found a book on boundaries in another post which I'm going to read.
I really hope things can get better for you and I appreciate the questions you've shared x

Would your mum know any differently if you said work policies had changed and you were back in the office now?
Sometime it’s just easier to blame circumstances I found.

Don’t lie to them or make excuses, this will a) add to your stress of being found out and having to keep it going and b) you will run out of excuses. And don’t list all the reasons why you can’t do this: it sounds weak and frankly you shouldn’t even be entertaining this ridiculous idea.

have you ever spoken to a therapist to help you work out why you act against your own interests and put other (completely undeserving) people before and above your own needs?

Boundaries are for you, not for them. So practice saying:

I’m not going to do that.
That’s not going to happen.
I’ll help you find another solution. It won’t be me.

Have you ever read about or listened to podcasts about assertiveness? Is there any training available through your work? It’s such a valuable skill.

Reading your update I'd say fuck.the lot of them. Get your partner to seriously defend your wishes. Get a mantra - repeat repeat repeat.