Just forgetfulness / old age? How to know?

[hungry123]

I'm starting to have a few concerns about my stepmum who’s 72. Some examples are

• irritability when she’s usually been v easy going
• forgot where she parked the car
• couldn’t remember the order of months on a calendar
• asks questions out of the blue about something random that happened 9-12 months ago
• picked something up then accused a family member of throwing it away whilst it was actually still in her hand

My dad died a few years ago so SM is on her own. Busy with various friends and groups and activities but somewhat lonely I believe.

I live abroad so only see her a couple of times a year. We speak on the phone every couple of weeks so it’s your hard for me to gage it. Sibling lives closer and has noticed similar things to the above too but as they see her more often they also don’t “notice” things.

So where do we go from here? Keep an eye? Talk to her friends or other relatives to see if they noticed anything? I think SM would take it v badly if we said anything to her directly but also if she knew we were asking people behind her back.

And what if it’s just “a bit of forgetfulness”? Is that even a thing?

How do you know it’s worth following up on? How do you get a diagnosis? Or even better the all clear?

That sounds like the start of dementia to me. My parent has a diagnosis of vascular dementia - got days of the week mixed up, then the months, started getting time mixed up so would go out in the early hours convinced it was afternoon etc. First would be to get a check up with GP (forgetfulness and personality change can be triggered by infection). If there's 'nothing' wrong then ask for a referral to the memory clinic. The GP memory tests are easy to pass but the memory clinic is a longer assessment and very thorough. Good luck.

Agree with PP. It doesn't sound like normal aging and needs to be assessed.
Keep a list of the things you're noticing and bring it in to GP appointment or send it to GP in a message.

Sorry OP, I know you said you live abroad. I meant when sibling goes with her to GP. I usually suggest trying to get the parent to go in on some innocuous pretext - e.g. blood pressure check, and alert the GP in advance to do the memory screen.

I think it sounds like Dementia to me too although I’m not a HCP.

I’d recommend reading this guide on memory.

What are the plans if she does have Dementia? Has she given you POA and said what her plans are?

This is what I’m afraid of.

It would be really weird for sibling to go to a doctors appointment with her. I cannot imagine a situation where that happens. And even if sibling did go with her, how would they bring it up if they’d not spoken about it together first?

Thats kind of what I mean in terms of where do we go from here? Like how do you even get to the point where she’s talking to the GP about it? Or getting a referral to the memory clinic. I think stepmum would feel manipulated if we start saying she’s being forgetful.

At the same time, she has health anxiety and is terrified of something happening to her whilst she’s alone (her own mother died alone at home and was found a couple of days later so stepmum, now being on her own, fears the same) and I think feels conscious that she doesn’t have kids of her own to look after her in old age, just me (abroad) and sibling who does what they can but is unlikely to be able to do proper care.

As for POA etc or plans for if she does have dementia, well, nothings ever been said.

Whilst we’re pretty close, since my dad died, the relationship has become one directional with us “checking in” on her and seeing if she’s ok. My sibling and I are very stoic and practical and independent, stepmum is quite naive and needy. I think she thought my dad would be around to look after her forever. She relies on friends or other relatives for deeper emotional support really I think, not us.

Before dad died I was recommended that they should put their house in trust for our inheritance but stepmum was mortified by this and had been advised that it would mean we’d have ultimate control over where she lived so didn’t want to do it. Which was fine. It was a suggestion at a time when we were all on our knees with my dad’s illness so they stick with mirror wills.

But I think since that time, some of her friends and family have seen sibling and I as potentially looking to push her out of the way of inheritance. We’re really not and it’s a moot point now as dad left everything to her and I’ve no idea if she’s altered hers since. It’s very hard to talk to her about these things. I don’t know how her family would feel about us having POA. She’s very close to another relative but they live about 4 hours away. Sibling lives 15 mins away.

If she is anxious, has she done anything to help her manage, like move to a Care Plus Village. If she does have Dementia it might be too late for this move though unfortunately.

One thing I’ve done a couple of times is to email the GP with my concerns, I’ve made it very plain that I do not wish to know anything but I am worried about their cognition and ability to cope and I just “want to avoid an unnecessary Hospital admission”. That seems to be the phrase that works. The GP has called them in under some pretext like a medication review or Well Woman Clinic and then addressed the problem.

Some things that can help is getting POA for both health and finance before she loses capacity fully. Knowing what her wishes are, if she’s still able to articulate them.

So could my sibling contact the GP in advance and ask them to raise this point (without saying where the request came from) and discuss an assessment at the memory clinic?

Oops my last question was supposed to quote this post.

No. She’s still in the same house. Did debate on moving but I think that ship has sailed.

Thats good to know re the doctors doing a subtle check. I might get sibling to pop in as they go to the same GP… Getting past the receptionists is no mean feat though!!!

Please don’t get DSibling to talk to them directly. You need to email, that is the method that seems to work and you need to include the phrase “want to avoid an unnecessary hospital admission”. There might be little point of discussing it wirh the receptionist, she may or may not pass on the concerns and if she does, the GP can only go on what they have been told which won’t necessarily be all pf the points you want to raise.

If she is very private you also have the problem that if your DSibling discusses her problems verbally with the Receptionist, you don’t know who will overhear.

Yes, contact the GP in advance, and let them take it from there.
I would also recommend talking this over with the Alzheimer's Disease Society. https://www.alzheimers.org.uk/get-support/dementia-support-line
They are kind and extremely helpful with this kind of thing.

Thank you this is all very helpful.

Makes sense re emailing the doctor, we’ll do that.