Take head, apply rhythmically to wall, repeat

[iswinteroveryet]

I guess I'm just asking for a hand-hold really. There's not much I can do about any of this.

A close relative who has always been extremely stroppy is now in the early-to-mid stages of Alzheimer's disease, with a vascular component. He saw a private neurologist, who now wants him to be followed by the Memory Clinic to start memantine. MC wants him to have another brain scan at a centre which is a bit more difficult for him to get to because he's not driving now. He is demanding that the appointment be changed to a more convenient centre. He is in high dudgeon that his long-term GP doesn't have control over this, and is refusing to make the appointment unless they change it to where he wants to go. I am trying very hard to let go of certain things because there is no reasoning with him and of course, according to him, I am not very bright. But today I dared to say, "I wouldn't leave that brain scan appointment too long." I got an earful. It's my own fault, really, I know how controlling he is. I have Health and Finance LPOA but he still has capacity so my hands are tied
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Must do some deep breathing now ... With Alzheimer's, this is really just the beginning. Thank you for reading.

How frustrating. Sympathies!

Are you sure you can't exert your POA? I don't think we had any definitive declaration of capacity for Mum. Her appointee just did stuff as it appeared necessary, and she made her own decisions as well. We overrode them when her decisions weren't that clever. People don't lose capacity all at once.

I'd check this if I were you. You're still going to have the delightful matter of getting him to the appointment, so here's another hand-hold in advance

Sending support. Been there. Deep breathing is good.

You probably know this but stroppy or not, disagreeing with him will increasingly illicit that response. Always agree with him first and then maybe then suggest a compromise. Never 'No', always 'Yes, of course. Whatever you say' - and then maybe later . . .

Best of luck. Keep breathing. And remember that deep down, beneath the anger and the fear (because that is what drives the anger) he is very lucky to have you, and is grateful for that.

Thanks @GarlicFound. I'll look into the POA. And thanks for the advance hand-hold for the appointment. I'll also extend it to the staff - he really is very stroppy.
x

The problem with exerting the POA for health is that even if he doesn't have capacity, OP still has to get him in the car, drive to the new centre, get him in the scanner and lying still enough for the scan to be useful.

There's a whole grey area with capacity where even if the person lacks capacity, it doesn't get you anywhere as you still can't get them to do anything they don't want to do.

Finance usually is set up to use immediately but depending how aware they are of their finances, you can just be setting yourself up to be shouted at.

Hand hold @iswinteroveryet - and some great advice on this thread (and realism from @AnnaMagnani ).

Is it possible to say that the new scan is special in some way - that he’s going to the specialist clinic and so it’s an upgrade?

We’ve had scans in hospitals and a mobile unit and my favourite places are the mobile unit (it was very impressive and one to one attention, no waiting room) and a cottage hospital with a very old school specialist.