What to do ?

[Jinglejinglejingle7]

My dad was diagnosed late last year. Hes on Memantine. He was so confused today asked the same questions over and over. Talking about his banking as he's concerned someone might be scamming/ stealing his money. Obsessing over Sky log ins and emails etc. Other times he seems not too bad. We have POA, access to his accounts- nothing is going on there. Hes 85, 86 this year. Lives with my mum who's increasingly become his carer, neither will accept outside carer's, almost feels like they're waiting for something major to happen (he's had a stroke previously & other health conditions).
I feel helpless, in no man's land, they are still able to manage finances- most are Direct Debit (I think) and are so independent.... not sure what i can do but feel like I should be doing more!

I’m sorry you are going through this.
I’m not sure there is much you can do whilst your mum is adamant she doesn’t want any outside help.
My Dad was the same, he got worse when he was officially diagnosed and had his driving licence revoked. The loss of the car, and with it a certain amount of independence threw him completely.
Up until that point it seemed he could hold it together and his Dementia wasn’t too bad but in reality they were both masking the real truth!

It took a crisis to see the reality, he’d become obsessed with her not being out of his sight, night and day became mixed up and he became suddenly volatile, angry and shouty at her.
She constantly said everything was alright when it clearly wasn’t.
After a few night time phone calls from him saying she’d left the house and he’d been abandoned ( she was hiding in the spare room trying to get some sleep) I finally found a care home that was willing to have him for a couple of weeks as respite.
He lasted a day there and ended up in hospital as the care home thought he needed a further more up to date assessment.
He never went home but ended in a nursing home on very strong anti psychotic drugs to curb his paranoia and anger.
He’s never accepted being in a nursing home and even now he’ll ask why he can’t go home but my mum tried hard to keep him with her but it was impossible in the end.
He is quite extreme and has been steadily getting worse these last two years.
It’s a very tough road but what I would say is make sure you know about ALL their finances and where money is kept and invested because suddenly when you are faced with care home fees you need to all your ducks in a row.

Thanks. That actually sounds very familiar. We've just sold his car, after diagnosis, he was told he cant drive. Mum doesn't drive e either any more so its a big change. He doesn't like mum going out without him but at the moment accepts it. He has a few times go up in the night thinking it was daytime....
I have access to the daily finances and between my brother (who's great) and I, I think we know what's going on financially. As dad is starting to be paranoid about finances- he accused asda of stealing extra last week from the weekly online shop that i do!!
I'll speak to my mum again. Im in the process of attendance allowance but daddoesnt think he qualifies as he's fine.....

Sorry your going through it @Gloriousgardener11

Thanks for your response, yes it’s really tough!
One thing you could be doing in the meantime is start looking at care homes.
They are a real eye opener and worth spending some time investigating without the emotion of an imminent crisis looming.
Have chat to the manager and staff though they’ll probably interrogate you anyway.
I found the hotel/boutique style homes, whilst beautiful, didn’t want residents like my Dad. They want the ‘happily confused’ type of dementia that doesn’t give them too much trouble.
I even came across a family who had to move their mother out of one of these once she became aggressive and difficult to manage.
Some I wouldn’t put a stray dog into, grim surroundings, lack of stimulation and staff with zero engagement towards the residents.
There is also the problem of spaces available, a really great one that was recommended by our Social Worker and Dads doctor had a waitlist of eight people, not great when you want a space ASAP.
Another issue is finding a great place but they actually don’t want or can’t manage another difficult resident!
Short list the ones that are preferable so you don’t waste time looking when the need arises.
Also closeness to you, your brother and your mum.
I can walk to my Dads but my Mum has to catch the bus when we can’t take her.