Dementia is cruel and made me mourn a mum who is still alive.

[lilahpol]

Just the title really, sorry to rant. My mum, an active mum of 3, was diagnosed with dementia at 55. Over the 10 years she has obviously deteriorated. And it is so cruel. She was physically there for my baby showers and seeing my newborns but not there to remember them. Nor my wedding or 30th birthday. Or the grandchildren’s christenings or birthday parties. I feel like my mum has gone when she’s still here. Sorry for the sad post but feel like here is good to vent. IRL I don’t like to bring my dad or brothers down as I know they find the situation hard. Sending hugs and love to anyone else affected by dementia or any other shitty illness

Oh OP, I’m so sorry that must be awful. She was so young to get dementia - my father had it from his mid 70’s onwards, which is more typical - he eventually died at 82.

We called it the long goodbye, like you said it’s mourning the person they were, even though they are still around. It’s such a cruel disease.

Do you have carers in or help with her?

@HornyHornersPinkyWinky so sorry to hear about your dad, dementia does really sit on your heart yes my Dad is full time carer and me and my brothers help when we can so he has a slight break. It’s just horrible isn’t it. Mum is just a shell of what she was, it makes me sad my girls won’t know her for what she should have been, if that makes sense. My mum would have loved to see them swimming or in their nativity plays

I really feel for you. My mum first showed signs in her early 60's when my ds was only a baby. She'd have been a wonderful, doting grandma but all my son could remember of her was the woman with dementia who didn't like children. Over the 15 years of her dementia life it was like death by a thousand cuts, just grieving her in increments as she lost things

My mum was young too when she was diagnosed, though the changes had been there for years before. Death by a thousand cuts indeed. I can still barely remember her as she was, the awfulness of her behaviour and different personality overshadowed everything else. I think of her every day and I wish above everything else that the memories were not so tainted by this dreadful disease. She would hate that more than anything else.

@CMOTDibblerIm so sorry to hear that, it’s the wishing I find so hard, you know they would have been great as “granny” etc.

Oh OP, I do feel for you. Not the same at all, but my mum was so reduced by strokes that she wasn't really there any more. Every time you see their beloved face something in you expects them to be the person they always were and yet that person is gone. I used to WILL her back.

It's a terrible pain not least of all because you know they are missing out of the special, important moments they would have treasured previously. She so loved life, spring, family, books, her garden, music and feeding her loved ones. To see her less than herself was dreadful. So cruel.

By the time she died I had already grieved her loss.

It is very hard. I understand. I hope you have someone wonderful that you can talk to about it in real life.

@Candleabraim so sorry, my nan suffered from dementia too and her personality changed so I know how that feels. Mum on the other hand has just gone into a she’ll - hardly speaks, can’t have a conversation and would rather sit on her own with the tv

thank you @JoyOfSpecs that sums it up completely. Im so sorry for your loss. I always think if mum dies tomorrow would I cry? Of course I would, but really my grieving is done. Mum went a long time ago.

@lilahpol

your mum was so young to get it, no wonder you feel robbed. She didn’t ever get to be a grandmother and you didn’t get to see her delight in your kids.

my father had dementia, but in his 80s when diagnosed. We lost him piece by piece. When he died we were sad but relieved. Everyone seemed shocked that we all just got on with it - I didn’t have time off work except a day for the funeral, I had to keep explaining that I’d been grieving him for years.

Oh bless you. I’m in a very similar position with my mum who is in her sixties and was diagnosed 5 years ago. I grieve her bit by bit every day. She isn’t ‘my’ mum anymore if that makes sense and she can’t be the grandmother I thought she’d be to my young children. It’s very hard. Look after yourself.