I’m struggling mentally, not with my uncle’s dementia but with the attitude and accusations of his special friend.
A bit of back story. My uncle was diagnosed 3 years ago with vascular dementia. He’s 95. We are each other’s only close relative but only saw each other a few times a year even when he was well due to us not living close by…but I want to do my best for him now he is in this situation . When my aunt died 6 years ago, he suddenly started talking about a special friend and it transpired she’d been more than that throughout his marriage. Through Covid and since, she’s been a daily presence in his life despite having her own home, husband and family (they know nothing about my uncle). She has a key to his house and his cash card to buy his shopping and for any days out they went on (although I don’t believe she uses it inappropriately).
I always thought we got on ok but my uncle was hospitalised three times late last year and is now on his 2nd D2A in a care home chosen in his best interests by the council. As NOK I’ve been the point of contact for the social workers and hospitals. I’ve tried to include his friend by text and phone but she has started to become quite hostile, blaming me for his first care home placement being too far for her to drive and telling me to refuse a 2nd care home because she knows someone who died there. Today, after refusing to sign a form saying she agreed for me to apply to be his deputy, she initiated a huge row in front of my poor uncle accusing me of not visiting him enough (and therefore not loving him - I visit maybe fortnightly and live a 200mile round trip away), and worse. - of stealing from his home. In reality I have been burgled several times in life and lost some very sentimental and valuable items therefore, with his house being completely and obviously empty (and quite large) with no burglar alarm set, I took some family-centric heirloom items, not to “steal” but have got them safely in our home wrapped and stored while his house is unoccupied. She further accused me of taking his will and deeds to his house. We do have them but they were unbeknown to me, among paperwork that I needed to go through as I am applying for a deputyship. I don’t feel that I owe her an explanation as to how often I visit, and do not feel it’s any of her business or that it matters where his (copy of the) will or house deeds are, or the items in his home. However she told me that she has told “all the relevant people” whoever they are about “what I’m like” and that includes my uncle. He clearly doesn’t have capacity to remember what she’s said, or to remember that I had actually already mentioned to him that I was going to look after some of his belongings. I told her it was totally inappropriate to be arguing in front of him. She was so incredibly nasty and so personally insulting that, although I tried not to show it in front of her and especially not in front of my uncle, has now really made me feel stressed and anxious to the point that I started getting dizzy spells at home and couldn’t move around. I hate confrontation at the best of times and this has knocked me for six. My uncle didn’t say a word throughout the confrontation and I’m unsure of whether he realised what was happening. He seemed ok when I left but I didn’t spend any time with him on my own because the friend was there the entire time. I’m sorry if this sounds all me me me but it’s affecting how I go about helping my uncle and my confidence to deal with this woman going forward is shot to pieces. To make matters worse she texted me on my way home to say “sorry we had to have words and I apologise”. Then carried the text on like nothing had happened. As far as I’m concerned we didn’t “have” to have words and I haven’t replied as I’m too sad, angry and stressed. I don’t know what to do going forward.