Dementia

[PerkyOchrePeer]

A lady ive known for 20 years since she was 53 has now got dementia. She is getting worse. She has now moved into a dementia care home. It is sad to see her deterioŕate because she used to be so articulate. Since she's been in the home I have visited her once and on my second visit which was yesterday, she has changed. She keeps asking me where she is a d if she is living in the home or just visiting yesterday she asked me if she has dementia to which I said I dont know because I thought if I said yes it might freak her out. She has a sister who keeps an eye on her but doesn't visit much.

I found the visit yesterday very stressful. I had a photo taken of us before to remind her of my previous visit and gave it to her and when she looked at it she asked who the person was in the photo and I said its me and she said no it's someone else I dont know that person. A lit of other people in the home are worse. Some shout. Some just sit in silence. The lady I visited has poor short term memory and has no memory of my last visit and can't recall where she lived before moved to the home. I was with her for 2 hours and we mostly sat in silence because she cannot chat much except to ask where she is. I got back hime with the most horrendous stress headache and I lead a busy life and have a hectic full time job and cannot be stressed. I can't deal with this and someone said perhaps I should not visit her again because I have to consider .y own health and well being.

Any suggestions? Someone also said if I dont go again it won't matter because this woman won't remember my visits so she won't say why have you stopped visiting me

Only you can decide if you should visit again. If it helps, you could keep visits short. Alzheimer’s has taken people in my family and it’s unbelievably hard to cope with.

Stuff that’s made visiting easier for me: taking a pet along (with the home agreement obviously), taking an instrument along and doing some singing, reading a book you know they like/liked, keeping everything extremely superficial and just chatting about mundane things. Depending on Alzheimer’s stage talking to them about their life and the past can either be okay or not, as they could get distressed if they realise they’ve forgotten so much.

If you do go back (and that's very much up to you and what you feel you can cope with, no need to feel bad if you can't but its a lovely thing if you can) I would go a little more prepared. Don't waste your time on memories, or the wheres, whys and whos as much as you can - her brain can't process all that. Places from her youth, music, hobbies, cooking, gardening etc may get her into a part of her mind that makes more sense, plus is pleasant fot her. Having only known her from mid 50s perhaps you would struggle with someone of those, but focus on what you knew of her interests.

I often say to my dementia person when they need redirecting something like "perhaps I can help you with that a bit later/don't worry, I'll help you with that in a moment. Let's go and look for somewhere we can find a drink/bite to eat/the toilet" etc (this is just in the house, not out and about). Then I'll change the subject and say "do you know what I was just thinking about? I need to plant some bulbs this week/your favourite opera singer/going to the seaside" (delete as appropriate). It's very fake feeling, especially when recycling the same topic for the hundredth time, but conversation just doesn't work the same any more for dementia patients. That doesn't mean that it isn't valuable though, and it can improve mood and feelings of safety a lot. Even if the details of the conversation are instantly forgotten, the emotions it evoked can last a while.

20 years ago this friend went on holiday to America. I've never asked her if she still remembers going

It’s lovely that you take the time to visit, but it’s completely up to you. She won’t remember you, won’t remember that you’ve visited before. When I visited my stepfather, I would take a packet of his favourite biscuits and we’d sit and have a cup of tea together, chat about his day as if we were strangers then I’d go. In all I’d stay no longer than half an hour.

Just stop visiting. She is not getting anything out of it at this stage, and it is upsetting for you

I visited my mother in a dementia care home for several years. After the first year or two she got nothing out of it and I found it stressful and upsetting but I did it because she was my mother. I would not do those visits for anyone but close family.

I knew what might interest my mother so I took magazines (gardens and animals), she could read and engage with them for a surprisingly long time. I read along with her and gave a running commentary on the pics and stories. Or I went when they had entertainment, usually musical afternoons. By the end I was sitting watching TV with her.

Do NOT ask questions (e.g. do you remember Sam down the road/your holiday etc). The person will not be able to answer and it will upset them. The way to approach 'conversation' is to chat on about something you've done, someone you both knew, what is on TV, what you can see out of the window, the music that's playing, and see if she engages. It's basically you talking and her dipping in (or not). Don't expect answers.

If you do want to go again, don't sit there for two hours. 45 minutes was the upper limit of my mother's interest. Half an hour would be plenty in your position but in all honesty I wouldn't do it. She will not remember and it upsets you.

And bear in mind that how she is now is the best she is going to be. She is going to deteriorate much more. Do you want to see that? It isn't pleasant.