Worried about neighbour

[Rosesanddaffs]

Hi

I have elderly neighbours, the lady has dementia, her husband isn’t coping.

I’ve spoken to him and he’s mentioned so many times that he’s struggling. They have no family, so no help whatsoever.

I have offered to help but he says he doesn’t want to burden us and he doesn’t want any help from the authorities.

He doesn’t want anyone washing her etc

I see him struggling with the laundry and he is a bit snappy with his wife as she keeps venturing out and is then lost for hours.

I saw him sitting in the garden today and he looked so sad.

I don’t know what I’m asking, but how do you help someone who doesn’t want help but says they are struggling.

This makes me so, so sad. You could easily be describing my DP, a little while down the line (they're not struggling quite this much, but are on that path). And my parents DO have loving family (me and DSis), but we can't be there very often (work, distance), they're stubborn as hell over not having outside help, and they don't want to burden us or anyone else (they never phone me any more - it's always me phoning them - because they don't want to moan). I spoke to my dad this evening and he just sounded totally beaten, but he won't consider any help.

Sorry, I don't know what to suggest.

If he won't accept practical help from you or SS, can you be a listening ear, a good friend who provides moral support? At least then he won't be lonely and if he gets more used to you perhaps he'll accept your advice or help in future, but don't push it now. Just be there with him, IYSWIM.

A slightly different take on it but if her needs aren’t being met and he’s not coping and us snappy- well there could be a safeguarding issue there

I would contact social services about a safeguarding concern for your neighbour. They should carry out a risk assessment and see if her care needs are being met.
I speak from experience and suggest you don't get personally involved in her care but offer an ear to the man.
They won't thank you for notifying social services and will be very resistant (I would imagine) to have outside help..or interference as they'd see it.
I feel sorry for you and your neighbours who think they can just carry on. It won't get better.

I agree 100% with this poster.

Thank you all, I think he does need some kind of intervention, but would they find out if I notified social services?

I can’t imagine how it must be for both of them but as an outsider it just makes me sad that they are struggling every single day.

You can report confidentially and it’s not up to the husband to decide if his wife gets washed or not, I work with elderly in the community and am aware of resistance to help but I feel you should alert social services and let them assess

Thank you for this, he did say to me the other day that she doesn’t help out and just sits there and he has to do everything.

I don’t know if he fully understands her condition but I told him she was unwell and not lazy to which he shrugged.

I know it’s hard for him as he is struggling too.