Is this grief?

[nearlyemptynes]

I think I know the answer already but wondered if anyone else can identify with this? My dad has Alzheimers. I am grateful to still have my dad but he is not the dad he once was and it is hard, especially for my mum. My life is otherwise good with the usual stresses - 3 children 17, 20 and 23, full time job, husband etc. Some days I just feel a bit lost and tearful. When I think about my dad it feels worse - am I using this as an excuse for feeling down or is this grieving for my dad along with anxiety about what is to come? I do feel angry that he got it when my inlaws are absolutely fine and in their 80s and 90s whilst my dad who is now 81 has gone but still here. I can't have a conversation with him anymore, he knows who I am but can't tell you.

I feel like this too.

My father who has mixed dementia was put on end of life pathway (for an infection) 10 days ago and then responded, so treatment was resumed.

He is ready for discharge but will never come home to us now.

I go from being relieved my lovely Dad is still with us, to torn apart watching his increased dementia, double incontinence (now) and highly impaired mobility (before this recent illness he was fully mobile). Like your Dad, mine knows who I am still, but cannot converse.

It feels like an emotional rollercoaster.

I think you can absolutely be grieving for the dad you have already lost, even though the person is still physically alive. And it’s a hard ongoing grief without the closure yet, and to focus on remembering the good times (the way you usually do as grief starts to lessen) is very difficult when you are thick in the middle of the bad times.

It definitely is grief as you are grieving for the person he was and isn’t anymore. Dementia is a cruel illness as you grieve all the way along. They turn into a shell of themselves as they are there physically but certainly not the person they were.

My mum died in an accident so was gone in the blink of an eye whilst still fit and well whereas my friend’s mum died a short while later after having Alzheimer’s and being in a home for the last few months. Our grief was obviously different in that mine was all at once and my friends was spread out over a few years but still the same in the we were grieving the loss of our parents and that is tough always.

it’s a crap situation to be in so allow yourself time to grieve all the way along and support each other.

I’m commenting on your post to just show solidarity. My Mum was diagnosed with mixed dementia and was moved to a care home whilst I was pregnant with my first baby in 2023. It’s been a tough road and I’m not sure I’ve fully come to terms with watching my Mum deteriorate - my Dad also passed away in December 2024 - I’m sure the heartache of admitting he couldn’t take care of his wife of 65 years had a lot to do with it. I’m utterly heartbroken but still not sure how I feel about Mum. It’s a slow burn.. she’s there but no longer Mum. I understand that you must feel devastated. It’s hard.. very hard. So many conflicting emotions. If you’re able, try to be there with him and reassure him that he’s not alone. I feel they know much more than they show. You are grieving for your Dad and it’s completely normal to feel sad and angry. I’m in the midst of the grief process for my Mum and it’s so very hard. Not many people understand that you’re actually grieving your parent whilst they’re still alive - but that is the case. Big hug.

Yes of course it is grief, look up anticipatory grief and disenfranchised grief. Go gently with yourself x