Grief when parent has dementia

[Secondtonaan]

I'm just looking for some similar experiences as I don't know anyone in RL in the same boat.

DM has Vascular Dementia. diagnosed at Christmas but signs obvious for 3ish years.

After much battles with F she got a diagnosis, they went from crisis to crisis... It has affected her mobility a lot so she kept falling. She has osteoporosis so broke her neck and back. F hasn't accepted it at all, he's controlling and abusive at the best of times and was shouting at DM if she forgot anything or couldn't walk.

A few months ago I managed to get her in a care home. Since then I feel so overwhelmed with sadness, it's basically like she's dead to me now and I keep remembering happy times I had with her and crying. It just feels like I'm wearing a heavy coat and can't move in the world. I'm almost finding the dementia worse than a death as I can't have a proper conversation with her, feel like every time I see her is different and upsetting. I couldn't explain this to someone in RL as DM is alive... she still recognises me and asking after the kids etc. Just feel such grief.

Stressbetty you are a living saint!!! I could not do what you are doing .

I lost my mum last week, she had been in hospital & then a care home after developing delirium due to a bladder infection, she went from being independent doing her own cooking & cleaning to being like a toddler in the middle of the terrible twos in the space of a week & subsequently lost her mobility & stopped eating. It was 5 months to the day from her starting with the illness to her dying. To be honest I don't feel anything, no sadness, grief, in all honesty it feels like she died months ago. It's my 60th birthday today & all I keep on thinking is that 60 years ago today I was the closest I would ever be with my mum, that the years have gone in a flash.

@Nat6999so sorry for your loss. I was the same when my mum died, she'd had Alzheimer's for years.
@Dublassie sorry you're going through this, it's good you have your brother as well to work together managing her.

My Mum passed away a couple of years ago
She had a dementia diagnosis and was required to go into a care home for 9 years.She was very physically active and able to be out and about,however mentally, she was a danger to herself. She lived on a busy main Rd and it was deemed unsafe .She came to live with us, however my children were young at the time and I just couldn t cope with her at all and it was unfair on my children.
She was nocturnally very active; loud and going into everyones bedroom during the night; shouting etc.
It was so difficult, knowing the woman she once was. I felt very guilty at having to place her in care.It was heartbreaking for me and I felt so guilty for such a long time.
Over time I would make the most of my visits with her.I d do her hair and make up for her,play her favourite music in her room
We d have a sing song or watch her fave films or tv programmes on DVD.
It made her happy for a short while and it made the visiting easier for me.
I felt I was grieving for my Mum even though she was still here.It s so difficult.But you have to dig deep,smile and give them a little bit of joy when you visit.It will help in the long run.
I hope your pain eases.Wishing you all the best💔

My mum is still at home but unable to move without 2 carers. She hasn’t been recognising me for a long time but more recently seems to know me. I feel very sad when I visit (weekly) and try and cheer her up or engage her in some kind of conversation.
I wasn’t brought up by my mum and we’ve had a tricky relationship. I might be closer to her now than ever and that breaks my heart. I wish she was in a home but she refused it for so long and the council are not responding to our requests. I had some free counselling via our local carers association which helped a bit