Do I take my kids to see my very ill mum?

[Flissty]

Hello,

My mother is in a care home with end stage vascular dementia. I live a few hours away but come down regularly to see her. It is very distressing, she is completely confused, makes no sense, remembers my name but not that I am her daughter etc. So far, so hideous dementia.

But this weekend I am down with my children (14, 12, 9). I don’t really want them to see her this unwell, I know my sister’s children recently found a visit extremely distressing. However, it could be the last time she has a chance see them.

What would you do? And please be gentle, it’s obviously pretty upsetting.

I’m so sorry for your situation, I wouldn’t take them. Let them remember better times with her instead. (We did the same with FIL)

I wouldn’t take mine but they are younger. I think the 14 year old and maybe the 12 year old depending on maturity level have the right to be asked though. Explain all the details and brief on what it would actually be like and then accept the answer with no judgement.

Can you explain to the children what they are likely to see and then let them (certainly the eldest) to decide? A sensitively handled short visit will allow them to say goodbye, children can often be less upset or embarrassed than adults.

I remember my grandmother’s face absolutely lighting up when I brought my dd in. She wasn’t very well a lot of the time but I am so glad at the joy I was able to bring her. My dc were fine with it. I’d have taken them out if anything was distressing.

I’m so sorry, heartbreaking time for you all. I don’t know what is right for your family, our children were a little older and against my dad’s wishes, they all chose to say goodbye and see my mum in her final days. It was really hard on all of them, but I do think it provided some peace, knowing she was going to be free very soon.
its an awful time, maybe they are a little young for this? Can they write her letters for you to read? I don’t know, but I wish you all the strength in the world xxx

The visit would be what your children are getting out of it, rather than your mother as she won’t know any different. I think for me it would depend on the relationship. If the children are close to her and want to see her I would let them but make sure they are completely forewarned what she will be like, if they aren’t very close and are indifferent to wanting to see her then I think I wouldn’t take them.

It will leave a lasting memory on them. I remember all of my last encounters with people who were near the end and it can bring both comfort that I saw them and distress at the memory.
The easier ones to deal with are the ones I didn’t see near the end because I remember them as they were.

As someone whose mum died very recently I would take them, try and explain as best you can that she still knows they love her etc, ensure they say goodbye properly when you leave. I’m really sorry you’re going through this.

This - ask the children and let them decide. Generally I think in UK in contrast to many other cultures we shy away from illness and death. In my view it’s important children learn about the reality of these things. It’s a normal part of life.

My parents ‘shielded’ me from the impending and actual death of all my grandparents, the earliest when I was 10 and the latest - early 30s. Various circumstances and extenuating factors but nevertheless. It took me quite a few psychotherapy sessions to not feel so angry about it. I can understand they wanted to ‘protect’ me but they didn’t appreciate that grandchild-grandparent is a direct relationship too, and not being able to say goodbye was heart-wrenching

I would ask them too , I was sent shopping with some cousins when my grandmother was close to death and I still resent that to this day as we were extremely close

I’m not sure what type of dementia my grandad had, but I was around 12/13 when he died. (So a similar age to your middle
DC) My mum took us to see him around a year or so before that. I didn’t know how to behave, I didn’t know what to say etc. He was in the day room kind of thing so there were other residents and I was a bit traumatised by experiencing that too. There was one who was shouting all over the place, others were sleeping and drooling. My mum had no choice but to bring my sister and I as my dad was at work, but I always think how it couldn’t have been dignified to have children staring at them. I’ve always remembered it and it scared me.

Let your DC remember DM as she was

Would she even recognise them or get anything from their visit?

If I get dementia, there would be a point where I don't want my grandchildren to see me. It's likely to be how they would remember me forever, rather than their memories being of who I am now.

I found the visits to my demented grandmother (I would have been 10/11) traumatic. I don't have any real memory of her being herself.

If they've not visited her before/for a long time, going straight into seeing her at her very worst, doesn't seem a good idea to me. They've had no gradual run up to the reality of where she is now, like you have. It will be a huge shock

It depends on how the dementia displays itself I suppose. My mother has late stage and I take my two DC under 5 to see her weekly for a brief visit. I find that my mum and all others in the home are brightened by seeing children.
however she’s mostly non-verbal now and immobile so there’s no shouting out or anything that could be viewed as distressing.
I’m sorry you’re in this situation, I know how awful it is.

Ask the kids. If they feel they will get something from visiting then do it. Your mum sadly won’t know or care if they go or not, depending what state she is in I suppose? My mum didn’t have a clue who or what was going on by the end and it was very upsetting for everyone, I wish I could remember her how she was as opposed to what she became. It’s a tricky one - give the kids the choice.

Thanks everyone, especially those who shared their own experiences of this. Your replies were thoughtful and compassionate, and have given me a lot to think about. I’ll talk to my teen and see how he might feel - and I will share some of the insights from here. Really appreciate everyone who took the time x