Dementia patient hiding things?

[HistoricalOrchard]

mil has dementia. She’s started hiding things and saying she can’t find them.
It started with her glasses then a key to the back door. We looked everywhere over 4 days. Dh was going to go through the bins just in case.
Then she made a comment to me about how someone is hiding her things so she doesn’t go out. I thought immediately that she’s hiding stuff.
She then “lost” her front door keys.
dh started searching good hiding places and found all three items in a box on a shelf.
she’s now “lost” her handbag which has always just been around somewhere like back of a chair, side of her bed and so on but now we have no idea where it is.
Is this common in dementia? We’d just like to figure out what’s going on here.

My MIL would often move things to different places we have to be really careful when we are out as she has been known to take things from shops.

Yup totally normal. It is not usually hiding It might be forgetting where things go, or putting them in a safe place or confusing what things are. Or sometimes it is hiding because they are scared of people taking their things.

Yes, my mum does the same. She also claimed it was to stop people stealing her stuff! 😂
seriously though an apple itag on her keys has been the best thing to use in order to locate them. Also worth seeing if you can hide one in bag or purse. They are also great to locate them person if they go for a little wander with keys./ bag.

Yes it’s really common isn’t it? DMIL used to buy sweets from the local supermarket for all of her DGC. It took us a while to realise that she no longer had access to money…

For things like her front door keys and her handbag, could you attach something like an AirTag, when tou find the handbag obviously.

The important thing to remember is that she’s not doing this on purpose and will he genuinely upset. Her brain will think of a logical solution which is often that it’s someone else hiding things. Her brain won’t want to accept that she’s the one without enough cognitive function.

In our experience this stage was just before DMIL started to go missing herself, so if you haven’t already fill in the Herbert Protocol and the This is me leaflet in case you need them. The first one is in case she goes missing and the second one is in case she has a hospital appointment.

Our DMIL also developed Delirium so it’s worth looking out for the symptoms.

Yes, really common. Have you found the Alzheimer's Society website yet? Really helpful at explaining things like this.

Try to imagine how she feels. You put your bag/keys/glasses on shelf x in your own home.You remember doing it clearly. But now it's not there. Has someone been in your home and taken it? It's a horrible feeling. You never feel safe or certain of things.

What you don't remember - because your mind has genuinely erased this memory - is that you moved it. As far as you know it was there. Now it isn't. Such a cruel disease. Then people get cross with you for not knowing where it is!! You just feel like giving up.

Give her a hug. Tell her it's ok. You will find it. Tell her we all lose things, it's no big deal. Your love and patience will mean so much and help her feel a little more human in the face of this cruel disease.

Please don’t call her a “dementia patient”. It’s really bloody demeaning,
she’s your mil.
she lives with dementia. She is still your mil, she just now lives with dementia.

she hasn’t “lost” her keys.
she has lost her keys.

her brain can no longer process properly. So - it’s very common to lose things and to put them in the wrong place.

i will echo what someone else said upthread. Give her a hug and tell her you’ll help her find them. Nothing she is doing is intentional or her fault. And it’s really really scary for the person.

Very normal to hide things. My DM used to hide her “best” ornaments in a handbag then wonder where they were.After she died,we found wads of money hidden in all sorts of places.

And just to add, look after yourselves. It's really normal to feel frustrated when someone you know keeps losing things, and is more dependent on you. You have things to do, you stop to help her, then she does the same thing again. And you know this is only going to get worse.

Try to hang onto your sense of humor and to the love. I didn't do very well with my mum but then Dad got dementia too and I was more prepared second time around. I wish I'd been more patient and living with mum but we live n learn. Be gentle with yourselves, and her . . .

PS The best advice I found was to avoid using the word 'no' to someone with dementia. It's a challenge but really helped . . .

Thanks everyone. It’s really hard navigating all this. It’s particularly tough as we never had a great relationship with her anyway. She was always quite difficult so we never know what’s actually her and what’s the dementia part of her. I guess it doesn’t matter as it’s all her now, anyway.

I do feel for you. My own DM has been diagnosed with Dementia but has always been difficult too. Oddly she’s now sometimes nice which throws me completely as she’s never, ever been nice to me before.

It’s also hard to spot sometimes what’s Dementia and what is her personality. So she’s always told lies so spotting what is the Dementia explaining things and what are actual normal lies for her is hard to distinguish at times.

If she’s your “D”MIL I would have a think about how much care you want to do.

I’m happy to do things for our elderly relatives like organise and attend Care Needs Assessment but I’m not so kern in visiting every day or having them live with us.

@BunnyRuddingtonthats the hardest isn’t it? Mil has always been self centred, lied and blamed everyone else for everything so when she says things like someone is hiding her things, that’s what she would’ve done anyway - blame someone else for her losing something.
We do a lot but are also fortunate to be able to pay for a part time carer to help her with personal care.
We’ll see how it goes.

I think it's fairly common to accuse people of hiding or stealing stuff. I knew somebody whose relative just binned some quite valuable rings. It's a hard time for everyone.

Has she got a cleaner as well? We find the cleaner is also helpful for keeping an eye on them.

Maybe a referral to OT would help too?

My dad does this too. Caused a bit of a crisis one day when the pharmacist delivered a bag full of medication to him and my dad hid it , but couldn't remember where. (We changed pharmacy to collection only to stop this happening, so dangerous because dad doesn't understand the medication he could have taken it all!).

Tv remote hidden in kitchen cupboards. Box of tea bags hidden in bedroom drawer. Newspapers hidden in kitchen and all sorts. Doesn't seem to be any rhyme or reason but it makes sense to my dad so as long as its not unsafe , its just one of those things!