Awful visit- we treat dogs more kindly.

[Vcal2017]

I’m just back from visiting with my 84 year old Dad. He was diagnosed with dementia in 2022 and has been in a care home since then.
Today I visited and when I walked in, he was at the nurses station shouting at the carers. I took his hand and he continued yelling and babbling away about nonsense. He’d locked himself out of his room, they had had no luck in getting him washed and he was wearing a strange outfit of dirty clothes. A carer and I tried to calm him for a shower but he was shouting and terrified. Of his shoes, of the carer, of a shower. Eventually we gave up and the Head Nurse came and administered a chemical restraint which he has been prescribed after he had previously punched a staff member. He calmed slightly and drank some lemonade at which point I started to cry. And then, for a moment there was my Dad. Saying not to cry, looking me in the eyes with compassion. Then he was gone again, agitated and talking about nothing.
I can’t do this for much longer. I’m meant to plan my teaching for tomorrow, and clean my filthy house. But right now, I just want to curl into a ball in my bed and pretend this is not happening. Just need someone to tell me it will be alright eventually. Maybe a an online hug and a handhold? ♥️ 💔

I'm so sorry, it's heartbreaking. Big hug.

Dementia and Alzheimer’s are cruel and unpredictable illnesses. Sadly ‘care’ is sadly lacking in care, compassion and dignity. You are quite right when you say dogs are treated better.

Dementia turned my mother in to a violent and aggressive woman who refused care. So very sad.

I’m sorry you and your father are going through this horrible situation. Offering you a hand hold especially in the cold, dark hours before dawn 💐

I wish I could offer you some reassurance but my mother has had dementia for over 20 years now and it’s awful.

Are you getting all his costs covered?
Is this home the right place for him?
Do his records reflect a DNR and potentially just managing pain relief with any infections rather than round after round of antibiotics?

Do be extra kind to yourself, I have found chatgpt very compassionate when unburdening my thoughts regarding my Mum’s circumstances.

A hug and some 💐 for you. My DM has dementia and is going into a care home today after being discharged from hospital - she suffered a seizure earlier in the week. Fortunately I was with her. She is not fit to look after self any longer, isnt showering, eating cold beans out of a tin and not taking her meds properly. Her deterioration over the last couple of years has been cruel and rapid. I wish she'd just pass in her sleep rather than go through years of this living nightmare.

I get it OP. I wish I knew how long I have to witness this. I can’t do 20 years.

So sorry to read this. Is his home the right home for him? I only ask because the first home my dad went to just couldn’t care for him. It was horrible and awful for mum and I. He moved to a new home and it could t have been more different.

I find work very difficult at the moment too and most days I can’t face it. Look after yourself too.

My dad is in the final stages of Alzheimer’s but I remember the agitation and confusion so well. It’s heartbreaking. I’m rubbish at advice so sorry if I’m not help but wanted to let you know you’re not alone.

Care is not always lacking, but situations like this are difficult to deal with. Carer's in nursing homes are exactly that, they look after residents personal care, the majority are not trained to deal with such unpredictable, aggresive behaviour.
I work as an activity coordinator in dementia services so have seen it all.
Is your father in an EMI unit ?

I hear you.
I feel your pain.
It’s absolutely horrid and I still tear up remembering how awful my mum was when she had to go into a care home after my dad died suddenly.
I tried to put myself in her position. Her wonderful husband of 64 years had died. My sibling and I had ‘put her in a home’. She missed her beautiful home.
She wanted to go shopping at Wilkos but I darent take her out as she refused to go back to the home without shouting and hitting out.
She told me she didn’t love me. That broke my heart.
Im sending you love, patience and a huge hug x x

No care is not always lacking, and I don’t think that’s what OP meant by we treat dogs better.