So what do I do now?

[NorthernDancer]

DH's behaviour has become concerning over the last two years. He has lost a lot of weight, he has become socially withdrawn, he struggles to remember names, dates, arrangements and he is much less able to manage complex tasks like paying for car parking, paying his taxes online or renewing insurance. He has a strong family history of dementia, including his maternal GM, his DM and her sister.

I spoke to the dementia helpline yesterday and their advice was that he appeared to be showing classic signs of early dementia and I should get into a doctor for assessment as soon as I reasonably could. They added the rider that there may be other causes of his symptoms.

The difficulty is that I have already spoken to the senior partner at our GP surgery and he is very clear that they cannot help. If DH goes in of his own accord and says he is experiencing these issues, then they will pursue it. However until that point is reached they will assume that he is fit and well and they will not get involved. They certainly will not call him in for any sort of well-man check just because I have asked them to.

DH has not seen a GP for about four years, even though he's got a number of worrying physical symptoms as well, which could probably do with investigation, and he absolutely refuses to make an appointment. Believe me, I have tried, but he just gets angry and turns it on me.

I have no family support. His siblings ignored their DM's dementia for six years and his DD is sadly only interested in him.as a source of finance. I am glad my concerns were taken seriously yesterday, but what do I do now?

Thanks

Can you do something creatively ? Such as tell him that its an appointment for you? I know that doesn't help in booking the appointment.
Does your GP do online appointments? You could do that on line 'being him'.
Or say that you have had a letter from GP and he needs to call to get an appointment?
What age is he?

Everyone aged 40-74 should be invited for a health check once every 5 years. They mostly aren’t, I know, and obviously they don’t have to go, but I’m surprised your GP surgery didn’t offer this to him. (Although it sounds as though he would refuse anyway).

I think the way MIL managed it in the end was by getting him in to the GP for something physical (he was getting wobbly and had a history of strokes and was willing to see the GP about that) and then mentioning to the GP about his memory; the GP picked up the clues and took it from there.

I am so sorry, this must be very tough and distressing for you.

Do you have children or family? Have others noticed the changes?

If nothing else works, inevitably there will be some kind of crisis that forces acknowledgment and action. If you can manage not to cover for him this may come more quickly.

I had a similar situation with my wife. I sent a letter to her GP explaining why I was concerned and clearly stating that I did not want a reply or involvement but I wanted her GP to know my concerns. She went for an appointment about a physical problem, the GP asked her if she wanted me present and my wife said yes. The GP did the physical exam and then asked a load of questions and referred her to a specialist.
I am pleased that it eventually turned out to be a UTI and not dementia.

That’s so incredibly unhelpful of your GP @NorthernDancer

I would try again but via email so there is a trace. As a PP said you have to make it super clear that you don’t want any information from them, just that you are concerned and is there any way they can assess him. I’ve done this a few times with different realises for different conditions, including dementia and I find it helps if you include the phrase “I’m sure that like me you are keen to avoid a Hospital admission”. That one seems to get you a Doctors appointment within a day or two usually.

Have you got POA for your DH? If not it might be time to start the ball rolling now before he gets assessed. You can do it online and it’s much cheaper than going through a Solicitor, however if he’s used to dealing with Professionals he might respond better to a male Solicitor telling him what a good idea it is?

Have a read up on contented dementia too.