I’m not sure what I want for this thread but I don’t know where else to turn!

[SnuffleTruffleHound]

My mum was diagnosed nearly 2 year ago with vascular and Alzheimer’s. It’s been a fast moving rollercoaster of tears, pain, guilt and willing death.
she managed a year in assisted living but it became unsafe (making a coffee on a plate etc etc), lots of falls, and 2am phone calls wondering where everyone was and why was it dark all day)
she’s now in a dementia care home and absolutely hates it. It’s too loud, noisy and full of thief's. The assisted living place was always described as lonely as everyone went back to their flats after lunch until the next day.
I took her out today and she cried all through lunch, it became a painful experience that I struggled with (I’m autistic)
I just can’t win, she needs to be safe, but she thinks most of the people she lives with aren’t anything like her and she doesn’t need to be there.
she’s very local to me so I can pop in most days but I hate it, it’s not a nice experience. There’s always something! If I don’t go within a couple of days the next time I do go it’s all tears and how worried she’s been about me as it’s been weeks.
im willing her to die (which kills a little extra bit of me each day)

Oh God that's so hard. My heart goes out to you.

Do you talk to the carers? How is she when you're not there?

Nothing to add constructively But know we feel your trauma. Absolutely awful for you

How long has she been there it will take time for her to settle in. My MIL took three months now as happy as larry

I’m so sorry we’ve just found out my Mum has vascular dementia. That was what killed my grandmother and her brother has Alzheimer’s. It’s so difficult and guilt inducing because life is now 300 times more difficult for them. My mum also has no sense of time. My brother moved back in to support her and he’s a bloody saint.

It’s cruel and shit and you have my sympathy.

I’m so sorry.
my only saving grace with my mum (she’s had EOA for 14 years) is that the first bit which was full of anger, aggression and depression for her and much much stress for us has now passed and she’s not aware of what’s going on at all anymore. The first bit was awful. When she went into a home she was furious and sad and just wanted to leave the whole time. I’m so sorry for you.

Please look after yourself OP even if it means limiting your visits. You matter too.

Your mum, when she was well, would have despised the notion of you running yourself ragged and being anxious, I’m sure.

I do wonder if you need to go less often for your own sanity. Going most days is a lot. Does she have any other visitors?

What about a notebook in her room, if she will accept that? Write down the dates of visits and what you did. I'm afraid I don't think it will make any difference to her, but it might for you. You can look at it and talk about funny incidents. Not asking questions, because not remembering will stress her, but just repeating things that happened.

It is the disease talking, not your mum. Try not to get too involved in reacting to what she says. The go to statement I had was 'well, you do need more help these days Mum.'

Thank you.
She’s one to put ona face, walks down the corridor saying hello and waving to everyone, she saves the tears for me.

Thank you, I’m counting down the days till we get to this point, awful as that is to say. At least then she won’t know anymore.

Ohhh I could have written this post. My dad has just moved into a supported living place to be near me, and hates it! He complained before that he was lonely, and he wasn't coping so SS referred him to this facility. I really thought he would love it but I just cannot win. He calls me up to 5 times a day, complains he doesn't see me enough, when I see him most days. He moans about everything and anything. He is 90 but also thinks he is not like any other person of older age. I am wracked with anxiety every time my phone rings, then guilt. Is it selfish that I just want to shut down and not deal with it anymore?

It’s so hard, but honestly you don’t have to answer all the calls. Ring/visit him every morning perhaps, and put his number on DNS. Your wellbeing is important too.

A friend of mine has a parent with dementia who’s in a home. It’s very common for her to cry when the family are there and be fine when they’re not - it’s not that she’s saving the tears for them or masking the rest of the time, just that seeing them kind of reminds her that she’s not at home.
It might be a good idea for you not to go so often, then she might settle down and you would get a break that you clearly need for your own sanity.