She's fallen again.

[BerryMummypudding]

So mum has mixed matter dementia. Seems the biggest problem is vascular and it is impacting her body and her cognitive ability. Not her memory.

So she is sharp as a tack in terms of remembering us and what we talk about. But her body is failing. Her speech is really slow. She is incontinent can't feed herself but can drink from a sippy cup or put small chunks of food into her mouth.

She is in a hospital bed in her living room and has a recliner beside it. She has a two man team
Of carers in four times a day and we all visit once a day plus she has a cleaner twice a week and a hairdresser twice a week and a lady from the church on Sunday.

Today she fell off the recliner. She said her rear was sore and she was trying to relieve the pressure.

We have cameras everywhere so she was seen and we got to her and got her up
Quickly.

I feel we need her in a home. I'm worried because I'm the only one who
Doesn't work in the day and it's always me who gets called or goes when she falls.

I run her entire house and make sure all the medicines are sorted and she has everything she needs. I'm crumbling. Tonight I'm sitting here and I don't even have the energy to cook for my family. I drove to her house got her off the floor and into bed. She's absolutely fine but I'm exhausted.

She will jot agree to a home and neither will the rest of the family. But I'm at the end of my rope here. My husband works away during the week and I have 3 of my four kids at home. I have a lovely life and we go away for couple days most half and end of terms. That is seen as me getting my break. ( we won't mention that I am still getting constant phone calls when I'm away about where things are or how to
Sort local problems)

Is there any point were the decision can be taken out of our hands? Or will they keep
Her at home as long as we are coping?

You stop.
I imagine your siblings will change their tune when its them being called all the time?
I sympathise...my siblings are the same x

When my DH, also had vascular dementia, began to fall his social worker told me not to get him up off the floor but to phone for an ambulance to create a paper trail. Caveat - this was a few years ago……

Yes you need to ring the paramedics when she falls, you mustn't knacker your back lifting. Also, paper trail.

And also you need to step back. No, you can't sort that, no you can't pop in outside of your rota'd visits. Tell your siblings first then start with the declining to step in. I KNOW it seems cruel but you have your own family that need you. You tell them as well that you don't think she is safe.

Has mum got a social worker or a mental health/dementia nurse, tell them you feel mum is unsafe. Tell her GP too.

Then step back.

Big hug, it is exhausting and so upsetting

So agree with your siblings that one of them will be the Emergency Contact. Once that is done email all the relevant services know. Then step back.

Make it clear that the contact is xx sibling ONLY. If you don’t do this they will try them, not be successful and then contact you. Then the sibling will claim they were doing xxx insert very important reason why sibling wasn’t able to answer the phone.

Pass on your current tasks to other siblings, sorting out medications etc. I can assure you that you will hear excuse after excuse as to why they cannot do it.

DO NOT LET SIBLINGS DICTATE TO YOU WHAT YOU ARE PREPARED TO DO. I CANNOT STRESS THAT STRONGLY ENOUGH.

You should not be the only person bearing the burden.
No wonder so siblings don't agree to a care home if they don't have to deal with it day to day.
You're mum will probably be happier in the right care home too

Thank you.

Yes mum has a social worker. She also has a tissue viability nurse who visits bi weekly and a district nurse does monthly bloods because she on a hundred drugs.

Husband thinks I should make everyone chip
In but doesn't think I should step away all together.

I'm going
To stop being available
For out of visit calls. That's going to be tough but I'll try.

Firstly I’m so sorry. It’s a horrible disease.

Secondly, they’ll all let you struggle on for as long as you can.
Where are your family? They don’t want her in a home but also don’t want to help- it doesn’t work like that. Even if there are a lot of you, all willing to help, your DM likely needs around the clock care, so you’ll all be taking it in turns to stay with her.
It is very hard, emotionally and physically draining.
Could she afford to pay for a nurse / carer to sit with her 24/7- that was an option we had, it was expensive though. My aunt decided on her own after a trial period that a care home was actually quite nice! Loved the food and the fuss and company.

Otherwise, you just stop. Easier said then done, contact the social worker and let them know, ensure they know the situation and your mum’s predicament and how family /siblings won’t help or not provide the right level of help.
A friend went through this with his mum and siblings (his mum owned a large property and siblings wanted him to do all the care and avoid selling the house). He informed SS and his mum was admitted into care eventually, where her needs could be met.

I mean this kindly having been there myself. Once they start falling they are not suitable to be left alone at all. Tomorrow you should call the social worker and ask for an assessment. Also calls the GP to tell them.

You need to tell your husband that things have changed and you will be providing support in a different way by helping to chivvy things along to the next stage of her care (nursing home) as anything else is unsafe.

Once you’ve got things moving along tell - don’t ask - your family that this is what is happening. I found the social worker was helpful in telling my mother that this is what needed to happen as they couldn’t have her keep falling and going to hospital (had happened twice already). Next time she falls - call a paramedic. She’ll be taken to hospital and from there all the assessments can continue prior to her discharge to a nursing home.In the meantime do as others have said and insist on a rota from other family members. I would spend your time looking at nursing homes to find one you are happy with.
All the very best. Finally, tell your husband you’d appreciate a united front in telling other family members if necessary.

What about a live in carer instead of a care home?

Yes, definitely look at care homes. You don’t need to share what you are doing with siblings. Reviews on line and maybe visit a few. I did in advance of parent going into a home. It also meant I felt better having looked at homes in my own time in a calm manner. It also meant I had a couple of homes I had already visited which really helped rather than running around at the last moment.

Although good care homes are often full for obvious reasons they do have vacancies comes up all the time.

You cannot continue to do the literal and metaphorical heavy lifting. Your going to make yourself ill. A team of paramedics would let just 1 person lift her up, it would be several of them. And presumably you may be close to middle aged and not a fit young paramedic? Hope i haven't offended anyone with assumptions there.
Pp have given good advice, I don't have much to offer, other than stay strong op and don't be quilted or pressured.

Guilted not quilted! Why on earth did my phone change that 😂

Thank you all.

Im feeling very guilty being the one to push this agenda.

If I know it was only for a few months though I could cope.

My mum had a fall she had to go to hospital. It was the hospital that decided she was unsafe to go home and was discharged to a care home.