Mum diagnosed with dementia at same time I am trying to divorce my H and it’s all too much.

[ShuffleShuffleSpin]

My mother began to show obvious signs of dementia about six months ago. My dad is well and he is caring for her and taking her to the doctor, etc, but she has delusions and hasn’t wanted to see me or any other women from our family (very unlike her). She believes we want her money or will be a danger to her. My dad has only been able to convince her to speak to me on FaceTime.

leading up to this, I was taking steps to leave my partner and tried to leave. My partner has a history of violence towards me. The leaving attempt did not work the first time. I am trying again but with my mum’s dementia I am also overwhelmed by grief and miss my parents moral support and presence now more than ever. Now my dad is understandably overwhelmed by my mother’s needs in every way. I have one sibling who does not understand my situation and who actually looks up to my husband in many ways, so that sibling isn’t really a support in terms of my leaving my partner.

i keep trying to be strong, but some days, it just feels like too much. I have counselling once per week at the moment. That does help some.

it is so confusing to grieve someone who has dementia. I’m sure many of you can relate.

The grief with Dementia is so hard isn't it? It must be doubly hard for you when you're used to having your DM's support in the past.

I would look at getting out of your relationship and set up somewhere else and maybe with time you'll be able to see your DM again.

Are you having any support from a local DV charity?

Unmumsnetty hugs OP, dementia is so difficult and with the added complication of your relationship, it all sounds really hard.

One thing I’ve learned the importance of in coming to terms with my own mum’s dementia is mothering myself. Not really in terms of ‘what would my mum do or say’, as that can be triggering in itself. But what can I do to look after myself in this moment of need. It really is ok to put yourself first and get yourself into a safer situation.

Indo that @TurquoiseTortoiseToastyToes I try to mother myself when it gets too much. Thinking of you OP. It's hard

Oh and never feel bad if you have days where it's all too much - I've had many a day curled up bawling my eyes out at how unfair it all is. It has become slightly easier over time, but there are still days like that.

at the moment sadly there seems little you can do for your mother and in the situation you are in you would not reasonably be able to do a lot either.
the priority has to be yourself first you can and will leave for your own safety. get in touch with Women's Aid they will be able to help and advise you in all aspects.
at the moment you can facetime your mum that is all she wants so leave it at that then when you are safe and settled maybe you will be able to work on that.
i send you much love and hugsx

How are you today @ShuffleShuffleSpin?

You are so kind to ask. I don’t even know you and I’m really touched by your thoughtfulness. I have a lovely cousin who has been able to speak with me about losing her mother (my aunt) to dementia and that’s really helped. I’m also actively seeking help to get out of my marriage and building up community support. My thinking has been very rigid; very black and white about it all, and I’m trying to let go of that and to be more flexible.