Badmouthing me to everyone

[BerryMummypudding]

So I've posted before about mum. She has mixed matter dementia and is in decline at the moment. Her memory is good but cognitive ability is declining rapidly.

I've put so much in place to help her stay independent. If she rings I go to her I have cameras in the house so she can talk to us if needs be and she had 4 carer visits a day as well as a twice weekly hair dresser. Twice weekly cleaner and her friend calls twice a week. Plus my sibling and I visit daily. She still complains of being lonely.

Over Christmas I cooked Christmas dinner and brought her to my house. We changed our traditional routine to accommodate her and did all we could to make her comfortable. I chopped her food up as she can't do that herself. She seemed to have a nice day.

Fast forward to yesterday (Friday) her friend went to visit and mother told her she had a horrible day. She said the food was inedible and she couldn't her meat. She said we ignored her and didn't want her there. (All lies) she was included in everything. She said her presents were awful.

The friend rang to tell me off for not looking after her. Seems mother has told her loads of lies about me and my sibling.

Why is she doing this!!! We have broken our backs to make sure she's looked after. I'm so annoyed. Is this another phase of dementia?

Her pity party is an attempt to get sympathy from her friend. I'd be updating the friend on your DMs diagnosis and how it impacts her reasoning and tell her straight that you appreciate her concern but confabulation is a big part of the disease.

My aunts friend kept ringing me with all my aunts complaints about what I wasn't doing for her. She moaned about everyone tbh. I told the friend that I appreciated her concern but it was all my aunt's brain trying to understand her situation and not based in fact. If she wanted to have my aunt over to hers for a couple of hours during the Xmas break we would be happy to arrange it! The telling tales stopped when she understood better.

Have a calm and rational chat with your Mum’s friend. She needs to be more informed on dementia and what it entails and understand that she can’t take what your Mum says at face value.

I’ve just spent 3 consecutive days in the company of my daughter’s Fil and I know how difficult it can be. He lives near me and I drove him home on Christmas evening. We’d had a lovely day in the company of my daughter, his son and our grandchildren. He told me on the journey home his family don’t bother with him and he hardly sees anyone. It couldn’t be further from the truth but I could imagine him saying that to neighbours and sounding convincing.

Well done you for all your efforts in caring for your Mum. Try not to take it to heart. It’s your mum’s illness and she doesn’t mean to be hurtful. But I’d definitely lay out the facts to her friend 💐

So hard isn't it? Like others have said it's not your DM talking it's the disease.

Me and my DSis refer to ourselves as the Wicked Daughters as DM will bad mouth us to anyone who will listen.

She says that she's very lonely and she probably does spend a fair amount of time on her own. A lot of older people have also never lived alone before losing their DH/DW so it's a double whammy of grief and suddenly being alone in their home so I am sympathetic to that.

Like others have said, don't argue with your DM about it, this is her reality now but gently talk to your DM's DF about how much you love your Dm and how much you do for her and if you think she'd be interested, suggest she reads Contented Demetia.

I think this is very common. I think something happens along the lines that the person knows they are unwell and wants sympathy, and stops caring about how they get it. My relative had 2 modes - how determined she was to keep going, and how her whole family had abandoned her. I found out about the other one when I arrived (on one of my regular visits) to hear her complaining to her carer that nobody ever came to see her, there was no point asking us to take an interest. It was quite funny because she KNEW what she was doing and turned bright red. Funnily enough the carer was a lot friendlier after that.

I think you're right. My DM definitely has those two modes.

DFIL too actually now I think of it. He's just gone through the whole "nobody sees me, I'm so lonely, I never gone anywhere" literally on the phone to DH who had phoned him to arrange where they're going on a little trip out today.

What I think he means is that he's never got over the loss of DMIL who did absolutely everything for him for over 50 years and now has to look after himself coupled with declining health so he can't be out of the house every day and every evening any longer taking part in his various hobbles like he did when she was alive and well.

Tell her friend she badmouths about her to you but you know it's the disease and don't hold it against her...

It might be the sort of bitching she's always done with that particular friend, and her cognition doesn't allow for her to see beyond me that and the friend is trying to process what's going with her, may be (understandably) scared for herself and trying to take some control want to get involved in a bit of drama, Or your mum's personality may be changing a bit, (remember it's the disease, not her) and her friend is not used to this and therefore feeling protective. Whatever it is please try to ignore it and don't feel you have to explain yourself or discourage her from coming over. Maybe keep a diary of notes in case friend ends up reporting this

I would simply say OK and stop doing anything.

It depends how far the dementia is progressed but delusions and confusing who's done what are really common. My mum is same DX and will often criticise one family member to another or outside people. My dad is her gentle devoted carer, but she will tell anyone he hits her, shouts at her, imprisons her in the house and is a "nasty man". But at other times she will say nice things and she's very anxious if away from him.
We know it's delusional as she now says the same about people on TV with complete conviction!

To add, this is my mum who used to be the kindest and least manipulative person you could meet.

Sorry late on this one….hope issues have moved on a bit…

inhibition is one of last bits of brain that develops, in late teens to early twenties- hence the number of idiot young drivers/ violent offenders/ drug tacking etc

it is also the first bit of brain affected by cognitive decline.Your mum has a diagnosis of dementia. That will mean the social norms surrounding inhibitions are not working.

She may well have often have thought that op didn’t do things she liked, as parents we all do, but she’ll now just blurt whatever comes into her head out loud. Sadly, this will get worse.

add to that, as others have said, many dementias can cause delusional thinking, especially paranoia or suspicion…and there you have it. Sadly, again it will get worse. Especially if it is Lewy body dementia.

depression is also massively common with dementia. And massively under diagnosed with dementia patients. Might be worth talking to her psychiatrist about this.

your mother has a terminal illness. Brutally, and Sadly her brain is dying. The very structure of her brain is changing. And the results are not limited to the benign wandering, forgetful granny that media seems to paint. In my relatives case they experienced violent x- rate horror level hallucinations, constant paranoia delusions, became increasingly violent and aggressive ( ages 86 after a lifetime of gentle personality). They had to be sectioned under mental health act.

These behaviours you’re seeing is mostly likely, in fact an almost inevitable, factor of her declining neurological pathways.

Her friend needs to be taken to one side and told this is what dementia does, her friend needs to know she’ll be coming out with increasingly bizarre stories if friend sticks around long enough.

Arguing or disagreeing with someone who is experiencing delusional thinking, is not the best way to deal with things. Helping them to validate their reasoning can help…asking why they think this or that, why would that person ( you in this example) do that if they love you etc can help to pull someone out of that delusion. But eventually it’ll come down to distraction, steering conversations to other topics…having a close friend “ indulge” these delusions is not good for your mother as she’ll reinforce the delusions.

you can gently try to challenge mum on what she said to friend, you’ll probably ( if you normally had a good relationship pre dementia onset) illicit an partial apology or at least a reason so you know she isn’t hating you, rejecting you or completely unappreciative. But sadly it’ll be short lived probably, before her lack of inhibitions exhibits itself in something else. Remember all delusional thinking has to be based on a core element of reality. She is lonely, you’re a constant- and sadly that means you’re a target for her delusional thinking to pivot around. It’s not you. You are going to be put in this position again and again sadly…( hopefully with more understanding mum friend 🤦‍♀️🤷🏼‍♀️). You’re going to have to rely on remembering what mum would have done or said prior to dementia and knowing that’s your mum. The person she’s becoming is less and less the mum you know and love.