Incessant calling

[Smc4]

Hello
I've not posted on this topic before but have found all your posts very helpful. Thank you.
My dad was diagnosed dementia and Alzheimer's this year and is living semi independently in sheltered accommodation. He has frequent falls. He's been widowed for decades sadly, and has been difficult to be around. He is very very lonely. It's horribly sad. He is calling me and my husband (and my siblings) sometimes 10+ times a day each. I can only visit once a fortnight as I live away with my teenage family (exam years). He has no concept of working hours and just calls. It's driving us all mad. If we do pick up his calls he is sad sad sad and it's just awful for him but it's awful for us too.
How has anyone dealt with the forgetful and endless calling? I don't know if he forgets he's spoken to us or just has no filter anymore and thinks it's just fine to ring all evening when I'm trying to parent my 3 kids after work!

I have no idea how to stop him but just wanted to offer a handhold.

You might want to ask on the Elderly Parents Section as it's a bit busier than this one

Thanks for your kind reply. I'll head over to that thread!

If he's calling the landline, unplug the phone at night.

Does he have an alarm to press if he has a fall etc and you could use your mobile number for being contacted by the alarm company?

I've been through all this and you have to take your of yourself as well to avoid a burnout scenario.

Can someone programme The Samaritans into his phone and say it's a chat service? Plus the Age UK Silver Line? Both of those would take his calls.

Sounds like he needs one of you to be closer. I’m not sure I could live any real distance away from my elderly DM and she doesn’t even have dementia. My dad passed away leaving her widowed so she’s on her own. I had my marriage end because of my refusal to move away. I couldn’t do that to her….

Couldn't agree more. My DF made herself so ill with the 24 hour demands of her "D"M. Her blood pressure was so high that the Doctors and us were very concerned that she'd have a heart attack and we'd all lose her.

We used to visit my FIL who had vascular dementia. We stayed around 4 hours at a time (around 3 times a week), and as soon as we returned home, he would ring us and have a go because no one visits him! He also threatened me with a knife. A truly awful disease!

Has he / have you thought about a move to a care home? Maybe living alone is no longer the right thing for him.

Obviously there are lots of downsides to care homes but the ups are that there is company and other people around (residents and staff) 24/7 and entertainment / activities. When my Mum moved to a home the pressure on me and my siblings was almost immediately released. Replaced by feelings of guilt I must say, but we are learning to live with that! She is safe and looked after and has people there to help her.

Oh dear. My father had Alzheimers and vascular dementia. He was rubbish as a father but I looked after him regardless when his long term partner checked out and said I had to, despite him ignoring me for many years prior. One of the worst things was the incessant phone calls. Phone call after phone call after phone call whatever the time of day or night. About the same thing, over and over and over again. I was always known as a reliable, strong employee in a responsible job but started to burst into tears at work due to the extreme stress. I would not wish it on anybody. And yes I would go weekly (during covid), a round trip that took well over 4 hours, just the travel, not the time with him, then he phoned incessantly complaining I had not visited. OP it does not matter how much you do - it won't be enough in your relative's opinion and Social Work will push you to do things that are not actually your legal responsibility. If you do what I naively did, you will make yourself ill unless you prioritise your own health. I hope you prioritise your health

Poor you and him. Are there some sort of volunteers or paid carers that are more like companions? Often it could be someone retired but more 'able' and independent. Could you research those schemes locally to him?
Is he mobile enough to go to any social groups or activities if he's collected in a minibus or something? I'm guessing he's not well enough to use social media to communicate.
I guess you can just screen his calls and not always answer. If he fell or had an accident would the place he lives have someone to help or a system to alert a carer or ambulance?
I feel for you as it must be hard to try and help from afar.

When was the last time he had a Care Needs Assessment @Smc4?

Understand you saying about screening the calls. I can only say my own experience it got to a point every time my phone rang I had a stress anxiety response due to the number of calls from my father or someone about him. I would have said screen the calls before I experienced my father's incessant calls. You can't screen them. You get woken up at half 2 in the morning for some problem you dealt with 2 days ago that you've had incessant, repetitive calls about, and you are frightened to turn your phone off because the Police might call because his neighbour is complaining he is causing a noise nuisance (yes, this happened, he was trying to chisel his lock to get out his door in the middle of the night, we never found out why) and other incidents. After he died, I had to change my ring tone as the original ring tone still caused a severe anxiety response in me. Even now, more than 2 years later, if I hear the original ring tone if someone else's phone rings if I'm out, I tense up and feel incredibly anxious. It's not really possible to screen calls and ignore them umfortunately

@GranPepper yeah, you're right. I'm sorry for you and your dad. It would only work to an extent.

I would also consider care needs assessment and whether there are now more support needs around housing/social/falls concerns needing a greater level of input.

No amount of visiting etc is likely to change this type of behaviour in my experience, think of it more as a worsening symptom of the disease - usually the phone calls are just the tip of the ice erg with lots of unseen struggles underneath this.

These are all really helpful points thank you. Dh and I alternate weekly trips to see him and I do all his finances and admin remotely. As @Parky04 says as soon as I am home (or anyone visiting leaves) he has forgotten or makes out he has and is saying no one visits him. He has db visiting 3 times a week and a local friend he sees most mornings. Yet he is very lonely in his flat. He calls me begging not to go to a care home but it does sound like many of you have said that it's really what he needs in terms of having people around him. He has refused all the social groups for local people , in truth I think he may be a tad autistic and social groups would never be great for him (my dd has ASD so it's a bit of a family thing I think).
Use of a mobile phone for anything other than repeat dialling us all is not possible!

@GranPepper your post sounds very familiar and it won't surprise you to hear I went on blood pressure tablets the month he had two trips to A&E! Dh and I together had 20 calls yesterday of which we answered only 4. We are both feeling ill with it as it makes us feel so guilty for ignoring him. It's horrible to think of him lonely but it's harming us (and my siblings). I think a paid career visit is the way forward, good suggestion. He will soon think it's a friend!
I'm appreciating all your comments support and suggestions. Thank you. And I'm sorry for all of you going through this too. It's a dire end period for a long life isn't it.

Yes. I would also comment it was a Fire Risk assessment that got my father moved into care as an extreme emergency on Christmas Eve. The fireman asked him how he'd escape if there was a fire. He said, I don't smoke any more. Pushed by the fireman, he said he'd jump out the window. If he had, from the height (tenement flat above shops), he wouldn't have survived impact on to pavement. Fire risk assessments are generally free of charge. Another way of assessing other than medical is, if the person has a driving licence, to raise a concern with DVLA

You have my every sympathy. I was always known as a strong person but dealing with my dementia father just about broke me. Your health is as important as his. When my father was taken into care, I cannot begin to describe the feeling of relief. He lost his phone shortly after going into the care home which stopped him incessantly calling. I could ring the home and be put on to him to reassure him between visits. Some people may judge but him losing his phone meant I could sleep at night without him incessantly phoning and interrupting my sleep and I just felt a huge sense of relief.

If he hadn't even got Carers at the moment I would definitely request a Care Needs Assessment. Make sure one of you is there when they do it as he won't understand how he's behaving at all and the havoc that it's causing.

Requesting a Fire Risk Assessment from his local Fire Station is a good call too as suggested by a PP

No answers but sympathy. I set up the local mutual aid group during Covid, and one of the ladies we were looking after had dementia, that got rapidly worse whilst being isolated. We were getting multiple calls a week, sometimes a day, from her saying her milk / medication / Drs appointment had been forgotten, despite them all having been done and her reminded of this multiple times. The family weren’t being very responsive, but finally managed to convince them they needed to deal with the situation, not palm it off on volunteers who were supporting around 120 households as well as her, but took some strong words and back up for a local care organisation and the Dr before they acted! Even though she wasn’t a loved one it was very stressful and dreaded calls, can only imagine how exhausting it must be for you, and hope you find a way through it soon.

Maybe she wasn't a loved one to her family. Unfortunately not all parents are and it can be the parent's fault. I had to care for my relative who had dementia despite them showing no care for me when they were the parent and I was the child. I agree it's not up to a voluntary organisation but adults who were neglected as children shouldn't be bullied/coerced into caring for the parents

Maybe she wasn't a loved one to her family. Unfortunately not all parents are and it can be the parent's fault. I had to care for my relative who had dementia despite them showing no care for me when they were the parent and I was the child. I agree it's not up to a voluntary organisation but adults who were neglected as children shouldn't be bullied/coerced into caring for the parents

Which is exactly the situation that we're in. Luckily I've developed cast iron boundaries.

A friend of mine blocked her parents number over night. They had falls pendants etc so if anything happened one of them would be alerted. Best thing she did.

If he's having frequent falls, and he can't remember he's seen you or called you a few minutes later, he needs full time care.
Chances are he's forgetting he's had a drink or meal etc too.

I hope your "friend" has children and they do the same to her. Imagine how anxious your "friends" parents are when they are unable to make contact. Does your "friend" remember how many times a day or night they pestered "their" parents for assistance when they were children. Should be ashamed, I find your "friends" attitude to be abhorrent!

I can see why you NC'd to make this comment - its plain nasty.

When people get to this level of desperation it is because there is so little help available. Focus your vitriol on a care system which assumes that family, usually daughters, will provide unpaid 24*7 on call services - usually whilst juggling their own families and jobs.

I found the lack of sleep with small children hard enough - try that in middle or late middle age on top of everything else, for a relative who doesn't even remember they have spoken to you (hence the repeated calls).

I wouldn't criticise anyone for doing this to help them cope with an adult living alone with dementia. I do criticise the fact that its so often necessary.