I really need advice on what to do next.

[Indulgingmum]

Mum is late 70's diagnosed with Mixed Matter dementia 4 yrs ago. Deteriorated year on year since.

She has not lost much of her short term memory but cognitive ability is declining fast.

She is very shuffly on her feet and is having tremors. She is also lilting to her left side and finding standing up and sitting down difficult.

She lives alone but has a care package with carers in 4 times daily and they give her all her meals. She also has me everyday and a hairdresser and cleaner once per week. I also have cameras in her kitchen and on her front door. I can view and speak to her through them
Plus we have Alexa set up to call me if she needs me but refuses to use it.

It's exhausting as she no longer takes any of the household running on. I am responsible for bills shopping and maintenance etc. She was left in a comfortable position when my dad died so she is ok for money. She had a fall this week. We don't know what happened she has told us all different stories. She is fine and hasn't injured herself but I see a real decline in her mood since it happened.

I feel she is very vulnerable and unsafe in that house on her own. If anyone knew she was there alone she would be a prime target for burglars.

I have a full house with children and no downstairs toilet so she couldn't come here to live. I am going to ring her social worker tomorrow because I feel she needs a new assessment. I just don't know what happens next. She owns her own home and has about £20000 savings. I assume that will all pay for her care (my siblings will be really annoyed at this but I'm at my wits end) what happens next? Does anyone have any experience they can share? Thank you.

Have you spoken to her about going into a home?
We were told that if they need more than 4 visits a day, they need to go in a home.

@DustyLee123 she's inconsistent when we talk about it.

She has big problems with her bowed which is stopping her leave the house. And if she's had a "dirty" day she will cry and say she needs a home. Then the next day she will cry and say please don't put me
In a home.

She's becoming incontinemt and not managing the clean ups herself.

She needs to have a care needs assessment and a financial assessment. With under £23.5k of savings, she won't be self funding, but if she goes into residential care, you will most likely be expected to sell the house or the Local Authority will take a charge over it.

https://www.ageuk.org.uk/information-advice/care/paying-for-care/financial-assessment/

Hi Dusty, we were told the same.

OP you are right to be concerned, your mum is starting to be 'not safe' at home despite 5 visits a day (4 carers plus your daily visit). Time to start looking for a nursing home, or a care home that offers nursing.

Your siblings will have to suck up the loss of their inheritance (obvs not theirs as mum still alive but you know what I mean) Unless one them would like to move in with mum? (haha no chance, I hear them say)

It breaks your heart, doesn't it. I meant to say, I am so sorry.

@SallyForf it really does. She has always been a very "difficult" personality and this has been exacerbated by her condition. However, she is really getting very helpless now.

Is there somewhere I can look at to see the criteria for care homes?

Does she have stairs ? Or lives on one level ?
How many hours without someone there overnight?
You can wait for a fall which forces the issue or go to see care homes now.
Best go see some now and ease her into one before she has a dangerous fall leaving her immobile

She lives in a bungalow.

Where do we find which homes to look at?

look on CQC website you can search by area and see the ratings

The criteria to be looking for is 'with nursing' as the bottom line is a care home without nursing can't administer meds.

Carers can hand the person their tablet but not put in the person's mouth, but a nurse can, is how I had it explained to me. It'll be in the 'blurb' on the home website.

Have you a memory cafe/carer's hub type thing locally, you can glean info from real life users so much easier than trawling through the internet.

I’m really sorry to hear about your Mum. This could be a useful place to start as you can search by geographical area as well as the type of home you’re looking for - along with reviews. Not all homes provide support for dementia residents for example:
www.carehome.co.uk/

Thank you. I'll do a search for homes near us here and see what's about.

Was hoping to convince her to do a couple of weeks at a time first so she can see how much easier it would make her life.

I'm sorry that you're going through this. It sounds very similar to what I went through with my mum (now passed away).

I found that the local authority/social worker dropped away as soon as they twigged that she'd be self-funding (and yes, it's expected that the house will be sold to fund care, if there's no other person living in it).

I also found that not all care homes are the same when it comes to dementia. (I basically rang round all of them in the local area to find out if they had spaces.) Even those with nursing care on offer can't always take a dementia patient, as it is a higher risk to staff and other residents. I eventually found a home with a specialist dementia unit. Getting my mum into it was a bit of a saga, but I am so glad I managed it.

Solidarity to you.

Sounds like it's time for a home. She'll be safe and kept clean.

If sibling is that bothered about their inheritance suggest she moves in with them - that was my method of attack when BIL (who never did anything to help with MIL) didn't want my MIL going into a home as he had eyes on her money. Digressing but BIL already had it spent in his mind and was circling like a vulture.

Ask around people you know about local care homes, you'll be surprised how many friends/work colleagues will have parents or wider family who have had placements and will be able to give you recommendations. See past the superficial though, a bit of plaster missing or dink in a skirting board is irrelevant, it's the care provision that's important.

With that level of savings do look into a care annuity to pay for the home.

Mum with dementia, epilepsy and high blood pressure paid £140k ish for her annuity which on top of her pensions covers the £40k annual fees.

@stayathomegardener oh now I haven't heard of this. I'm rather clueless. What is this please can you explain?

A good care home is worth EVERY PENNY of lost inheritance. For your mental health alone.
Not all care homes are horrible places.

The best way to look at local care homes is to just go and talk to them and have a look round
Ie don't make an appt....any good one won't have an issue with this.

Effectively care annuities are insurance gambles on when someone will die.

Mum's care annuity is based on her surviving so many years given her age at the time 87 and existing health issues.

It made sense for my sister and I to spend £140k of her capital to protect the rest especially as it's inflation linked.

We used a specialist solicitor to find us the best annuity package to protect Mum, our biggest fear was running out of money years down the line and Mum having to leave her home from home private care setting.

It made even more sense for us as by spending that £140k we reduced Mums capital to £650k cap so in theory there should be no tax payable on her estate, obviously though that figure now increases year on year with interest.

I can find you the solicitors details if interested?