Hand hold

[Ceebeegee]

Hello
Just looking for a hand hold :'-( . It's my birthday and it's the first year my dad has forgotten. Trivial, I know, but it's hit me hard . My dad's still here , but he's not "here". It's like grieving them but they're not gone ?
Before dementia, he was a prolific card giver. He had a laminated Christmas card list. Every anniversary, birthday, he sent a card. Even for life events like a new house or passing a driving test. During covid , I did his shopping and he made sure that birthday cards were on the shopping list so he could still send them even if he couldn't get out to buy one himself.
My birthday (and close relatives) are on a calender but he doesn't understand the calendar.

There have been some days when he doesn't realise who I am (he thinks I'm his sister or his neighbour) I don't blame him, I'm not angry. But it feels selfish of me to feel upset. :(

Oh its just heartbreaking.
My dmum I went to see today and she has started with hallucinations. Convinced that someone is there in her flat.
She has also started to forget that my brother died and asks if I've heard from him. Sometimes I just struggle to find the right thing to say. The next minute she is talking about my daughters birthday next year

It’s really really hard. Here to hand hold. @HellofromJohnCraven that sounds exactly like my mum. She’ll forget names and think there are people in her house then she’ll be talking about how good the wedding was that she went to last year, specific details and everything. It gives you hope then makes the times when they suffer harder.

It’s definitely not selfish to be upset. It’s your dad! No one warns you about this stuff and it’s very very hard to come to terms with. They’ve been there for you for however long then you end up worrying about them and caring for them.

Yeah my my just talks gibberish and I agree with her to keep her happy. She thinks my dad and her parents are still alive. I explain gently they are dead and it doesn’t seem to upset her but she says she didn’t know. I can’t have a conversation with her as she can’t follow it.

I’m sorry. It’s utterly shit isn’t it.
It’s like you lose someone thousands of times. You will feel a whole load of emotions and it’s completely understandable.

I had typed out more but I reread your post realised you’re not looking for advice. So just to say I understand, and it’s so so shit, sadly so many people do understand but society isn’t comfortable with dementia 🙁

Ah I’m so sorry OP.

My last birthday card that my mum wrote me about 3 years ago looked like a toddler had written it (she always had nice handwriting).

Since then any cards have been written by my dad. Mum always wrote the cards.

It’s like every new sign of decline, is losing the person again and again. It’s utterly crap and heartbreaking.

I’m sorry op, I’ve been there and it’s horrible. You end up grieving them while they are still alive but no longer ‘present’, or cognisant. It’s so hard and I have no answer as there isn’t one. Hugs to you, many of us know what you are going through.

It is really hard, I am so sorry. The sting is so painful.

BashfulClam I think the best thing is to not keep explaining over and over again about the people who have passed away, I found my person with dementia got upset at being told a relative had died every time they asked where they were. We just sort of fell into saying, oh they're on holiday/at work/busy and that was easier on us as well, strangely. Big hug.

It’s the kind lies that you have to make and it does make it better for everyone. Mum thinks people come into her home make food etc move things round we go with it and say well if you need me to say anything or do anything let me know.