Can anyone help with coping strategies?

[FFSWherearemyglasses]

My Mum is 84 and has recently diagnosed dementia (it’s been happening for at least 4 years)
I am an only child and her only relative; I live overseas.

I try to visit for at least a week every 7/8 weeks.
She has a good support network of friends and neighbours.
I find my visits incredibly hard and stressful and feel guilty for dreading my visits and feeling like I do.

My Mum was always very active; gardening, dancing, decorating, reading, cleaning, ironing etc but now has no motivation to do anything despite encouragement from me and her friends.
She was always a warm, good natured, chatty, charming and funny person but is now apathetic, negative, selfish and argumentative.
Her short term memory is very poor. She has no recollection of anything being said by her or others minutes ago.
She lives very much “in the moment”
I know her “new” personality is not her fault and it doesn’t bother her in the slightest but it upsets me a lot.

I get irritated and frustrated that I can’t do right for doing wrong, I’m constantly anxious that she is going to complain about something I have to fix. She has no empathy for how I feel, never asks how I am.
She has no memory of any conversation I have with her and gets quite nasty that she hasn’t been told something… when she has multiple times.

Please can offer me any help with some coping strategies to better manage what I am dealing with?
thank you

I can as I've recently gone through it.

You need to dig deep. I found agreeing with her helped a lot. I would have to leave the room when I was very wound up but kept it to the forefront that she couldn't help it and needed help.

Agree with PP about not arguing - if she says she wasn't told, just go along with it, "Yes, you're right Mum, I probably didn't tell you." She doesn't remember that she was told - just keep the peace.

I have also heard dementia counselors say that it helps calm your reactions to think, "That's not my mum speaking, that's the illness."

Admiral Nurses and The Alzheimer's Society have extremely helpful ideas. Have you been in contact with them at all?

Sending support - this is a tough road.

It is really hard, I'm sorry. You might find the book Contented Dementia helpful. The link is to Goodreads, and the first review, by Helen, gives a sense of the approach the book suggests.

Thank you all for replying 🫶🏻
There are definitely good days and bad days.
Saturday was awful, yesterday was OK.
She gets so irritated when I suggest things to help her or have to tell her not to do things eg; “you’ve already fed the dog- don’t feed her again” …. 5 mins later, feeds dog 🙄
She’s been ordering multiple things on Amazon because she’s forgotten she’s ordered them…. Fortunately I have her emails and access to the account on my phone, so no harm done.
I’ve been in touch with the Alzheimers society local branch and they have sent me some information and offered me a Dementia Advice visit on my own.

Because my time with her is limited I feel bad for seeing my friends and doing things on my own 🥺
It’s tough

Thanks for the recommendation. I’ve ordered a copy 🙂

I didn't find this helpful at all. I'd be interested to hear if anyone has managed to do what this book suggests. How did you apply it to your situation and did it help?

It has helped me, yes, to cut down asking questions which only lead to frustration on both sides, and to try to meet the person where they are. I know not everyone finds it helpful and there is some criticism of the approach online, which is why I linked to a review which gives a sense of it.