Grandma altzheimer's

[Billybiscuit]

My Grandma is 92, still living in her own house but is diagnosed copd, and altzheimer's. She can no longer cook, make hot drinks, turn tv on is continually smoking. Her Son comes once a week to do food shopping she can no longer do and he does garden when needed.
The problem is her Daughter, which is my Mum is doing all other care needs, e.g. going round 7 days a week to assist with All personal care, dressing, changing bedding (at times soiled), making all hot drinks, meals, cleaning of the house and taking care of all my Grandmas emotional needs such as taking her on a day out, arranging and going to all doctors, hospital appointments sitting and talking to her etc... and being there when district nurses come or deliveries to the house and also giving morning and night medication and assisting to bed.
Her son doesn't come every week a lot of the time he's on holiday.
My Mum will soon be 70 and I can see it taking a toll on her, she has been doing this for over 3 years now.
My Mums friends and some family and even my Grandmas neighbours think I should be helping with my Grandmas care needs. I am absolutely fuming hearing this, as i feel it is her son's responsibility and if my Mum can no longer manage she needs to consider putting her in a home. I would appriciate anyones thoughts (tia)

I'm so sorry that you're all struggling like this. It would be nice if your DUncle stepped up but it doesn't sound as though he's going to.

I would try and encourage your DM to get a Care Needs Assessment for your DGM? Your DM doesn't have to do this all by herself and it sounds as though the first step would be getting Carers.

Your DM and possibly you too will need to be there when it's done as your DGM probably won't have much of a clue about how much help she actually needs to remain at home.

Has your DM had a Carer's Assessment for herself? If not, I'd suggest getting one.

Is your DM in touch with your local Carer's Hub too?

Is there a day centre she could go to? Our local one will collect and drop people off.

I agree a care assessment is needed but these can take a while.

The alzheimer's society is good on what is available locally in terms of support and resources.

Rather than looking to your uncle why can she not have care at home from an agency or PA ?

I agree with previous posters 5hat a care needs assessment would be a useful starting point.

How are things now @Billybiscuit?

@PolaroidPrincess is right. Try and persuade your mum to call in outside help. Social Services will want to try home care before care home. That means your grandmother stays at home but carers call in several times a day. It’s a lot cheaper than care homes so they’ll always try that first to see if it’s enough. Moving to a care home is the last resort.

Why doesn't she have carers coming in to provide the personal care, medication etc?

Family do need to step in with a lot of the other stuff, it’s inevitable, and of course your uncle should be doing this, but he isn’t going to. By all means say this to the various criticisers, but if you want the burden on your mum reduced you may have to grit your teeth and take over some of her tasks.

Social work can do a lot for her. Citizens advice could advise on what benefits she's entitled too. My mum claims attendance allowance and gives me some in return for helping her. Which is very kind as I'd do it anyway.

There are day centres and respite carers and of course homes. Find out more. That would help your mum greatly.

And as for her brother, just because he's a bloke doesn't mean he can't help. Selfish not to knowing his sisters doing the grunt work.