Sexually inappropriate behaviour in father

[mavornia]

Hello
This is such a difficult subject to talk about. My father is 88 and my parents moved in with me at the start of the year after my father was hospitalised with a suspected stroke. He has had many over the years and also has vascular dementia but is aware of where he is and who we are and is able to converse with us. He is incontinent and bed-bound and carers visit four times each day to change his pad and help wash him in the morning.
Lately, he has been engaging in masturbation, openly and without inhibition. It seems like it is constant. We try to distract and keep his hands out of his pad but it seems impossible. The bed is also getting soaked with urine because he is making the pad so loose so this involves lots of extra work changing sheets etc.
i have three teenage sons at home but it hasn’t happened in front of them.
i am incredibly distressed to the point of being near tears and don’t know how to handle this.
My father has been a lovely dad and I’m delighted to have both my parents at home with me. I keep telling myself it’s just to do with age and dementia but it is so so hard to be sitting in the room when it is happening.
Any advice on how to cope or how to distract him would be very appreciated.

Contact your Admiral Nurses, they are very helpful.
https://www.dementiauk.org/information-and-support/living-with-dementia/changes-in-sexual-behaviour/ . My husbands was verbal so much easier to distract him, this must be so difficult for you to cope with.

Thank you so much. I just spoke to the support helpline in your link and I’m a bit calmer. The feelings of revulsion and stress were overwhelming. And I just miss my dad as he was.

I believe there are drugs that can help.

And I just miss my dad as he was. and that's perfectly normal and understandable. Could you talk to the Admiral Nurses about the sense of grief you have?

Is there a local Carer's Hub you can contact. Our local one was brilliant with DFIL when he finally contacted them and arranged some Counselling for him.

You really do need to talk to his carers, whilst it may not help, it is incredibly common in both sexes as they get older. My sister did it in the few weeks before she died... yes, it is mortifying for the family but this is not the person you once knew but someone approaching their final days with a lack of inhibition.

I do not have an answer but only that this too, will pass.

Doesn't sound like the OP parents have carers just this lady looking after them.
My FIL was in a care home and he "befriended" a lady there and did this in full view of MIL and told her this was his girlfriend. The staff were aware so it was never went any further than holding hands but there were lots of whispers etc and in the end MIL stopped going to see him. I was worried my husbands suggestions would go further when he went into a Nursing Home but thankfully nothing untoward has happened.

Thank you for taking the time to respond. We had an awful few days where things progressed to my father propositioning me and trying to paw at me. I haven’t been able to go into his room much as I found it so upsetting. We do have carers coming in (each visit is about five minutes) and we explained to them his current behaviour just in case he said or did anything inappropriate in front of them.
He is on a second antibiotic for a urinary infection ruin and has been more settled yesterday and today. I wonder if the infection was making him more confused than usual too.
It actually does help to know it is common and reminding myself that he can’t help it.

This is so difficult for you op, I work with dementia patients. This is very common , sometimes it’s not actually masturbating just ‘fiddling’ sometimes it’s a comfort thing similar to young boys with their hands in their pants . Depending on what Pads he wears you could ask his carers to put it on backwards so the sticky bits are at the back, he will still be able to get his hands in there but it will be harder for him, also pyjama bottoms and or boxers over the top of the pad. We also tuck bed covers in tightly with hands on top of the covers. Does he have fidget toys? Rubix cube etc to distract and keep his hands busy can help. UTI will also be affecting him he may calm down a little when that’s sorted . UTI will also make him touch himself more . Really sorry you’re going through this , even knowing it’s not his fault it’s not easy. Best luck op.

Oh op, it’s awful isn’t it. It’s like a revolting feeling, I’ve been there. My grandad was the most lovely & respectful person in the world was like this. He had dementia & was slapping the carers bums as they walked past & literally coming on to all the female patients. It was so sad. I just think this is v v common. The homes said most do it, men & women when they have dementia.

I am so sorry, OP, how distressing for you.

Have you spoken to his doctors to see if this kind of disinhibition can be controlled with medication?

We've got similar problems with FIL. He's upset two cleaners and now we are faced with getting carers in to wash him etc as his health has gone downhill and we are obviously going to have to warn them about him. He's never been a very nice man, been a bit of a bully to the whole family but never inappropriate. Now he practically undresses you with his eyes, makes inappropriate comments to all women who come into contact with him, and he won't wear any underpants and walks around naked. I keep telling myself it's not his fault and I do feel sorry for him but he makes my skin crawl.

Thank you again for your suggestions and taking the time to share your own difficult experiences. It really does help to know other people have gone through it too and I’m not alone struggling with feelings of revulsion and grief and sadness for the dignified man he was.

I have heard of garments like a onesie which fastens at the back suggested for people who keep removing pads etc. Might that help here?

I'm so sorry OP. Went through similar with my great grandfather (alzheimers and dementia) and it was incredibly distressing for all involved. This too will pass, all you can do now is protect yourself and remember the man your Ddad was xx

Yes they do help, I bought 3 of them from Amazon but they had to be adapted as my husband could pull the sleeve down leaving his arm inside the suit. I did put extra elastic in the sleeve cuff so it was tighter and he was unable to take his arm out.
I also had to strengthen the middle seam as he ripped the first one open in his frustration of not being able to open it - I sewed strong tape down the seam and that worked.

My Dad has a catheter which sometimes leaks if he messes with the night connector..we use rectangle waterproof protectors on the sheet and whilst they need washing, it saves a lot more washing.

So sorry you are having this to deal with.