Mum has dementia, her husband has died from illness

[Oscmum]

Very new to all this and looking for some advice, Mum has diagnosed dementia and has had a tough 6 month caring for her husband who had terminal cancer, he died a week ago and she still phones us wondering when we are going to visit in hospital. We are a large family and she has such a good support network. However she can’t relive it when we tell her daily he is no longer here. I would appreciate any advice .

I work with Dementia sufferers and have always been taught to go along with what they say, if correcting them will cause them distress. If she forgets what you tell her about her husband, just say you visited him earlier or something like that. There’s no point in upsetting her by keep going over it, as it will be forgotten again soon.

It's best to tell her that he'll be along later or the next day than to keep distressing her and yourselves. She won't remember and will repeat the entire thing the next time. It breaks her heart to hear it everytime and it breaks yours telling her.

From experience, as long as it doesn't harm them or yourselves it's best to slip into their world and see things like they do whilst in their presence as it makes the entire thing more bearable for all concerned.

I'm so sorry for your loss, I hope you're all as well as can be expected

Yes,just run with whatever they say. No point correcting it. Agree and change the subject to the weather, or food.

Agree with @MelainesLaugh - I don’t work in dementia care but after my Mum died, we would visit her sister (my aunt) who had dementia - she would ask every week where my Mum was & we’d say she was cooking lunch or come tomorrow. We couldn’t break her heart / relive it all time.

My dad passed away last year and mam has had to go in care recently.
She talks about dad as if he’s still here, saying things such as “I don’t know where dad is - he must be playing cards or chatting to someone.”

It breaks my heart knowing that he’s gone, but I go along with mams thoughts so that she isn’t constantly reminded that he’s no longer here - the staff also say that this is best way to handle it.

I really feel for you - it’s so hard. x

She has visited him every day in palliative care for the last 6 month. She is aware he was gravely ill, she just forgets he has passed. So telling her he will be along later doesn't comfort her and changing the subject just makes her ask even more.

For her, he is still alive and in the hospice. What happens if you say you will be over that evening/tomorrow evening to visit him? Would she reassure her, or would she spend the rest of the day anxious and waiting for you?
Sympathy. This is such a cruel disease .
.

Grasping at straws to be fair as she has severe anxiety. She has been inundated with visitors this past week, there is sympathy cards everywhere, just seems to be a point at nightime, she phones and asks when we are going.

Bless her. Try saying that you will come tomorrow, to reassure her that you will be there, as long as it doesn't generate more anxiety. The tone of what you are saying, being reassuring/reliable/sympathetic is as important as what you say. "We'll be there tomorrow, Mum. Well all go together. You have been so good visiting Fred. Have a rest tonight. You must be very tired. Susan will visit you later. . . "

If you can take the sympathy cards down so that home looks as normal as possible. I always found my parents - who both had dementia - got much worse in December. The Alzheimer's Society suggested that Christmas cards and decorations could be extremely disorientating.

So sorry to hear this, @Oscmum. As your mum has been diagnosed, do you have contact details for the Community Psych Nurse? If not, her GP could probably provide a name and number. S/he would probably be the best person to contact for advice.

I was talking to a friend a few weeks ago. His father died in the night and his mother did not notice anything was wrong. His mother is now in a care home and when her children visit she asks about her husband. They then show her the printed order of service from his funeral (which she was at) and this seems to help her.
He also made an interesting comment that he stayed at his mothers after his dad died and he realised how hard it was for his dad but his dad never said anything about his struggles.

when my late fil was in a home (for 3 years) every visit he would ask where his wife was even though she had died 2 years previously, he had a bad fall plus his dementia was getting so bad hence why he went in the home. he was bedridden for the whole time and could not watch tv etc so just spent his time sleeping and worrying. he also came going back to time his wife had an affair which she never told him about leaving him to bring up the resulting child as his own unknowingly. it only came out at her funeral. as a result if he did not ask where she was he kept saying that she had run off with the man in question, as you can imagine visits were very painful and tiring