Refusing to wash

[Stevie77]

What can be done?

MIL with Alzheimer's, not sure what stage but fairly advanced although still has all bodily functions. She's fairly young at 76, and is fit and healthy otherwise. She has not washed for almost a year now. Her hair is in the same state, although the hairdresser has briefly managed to wash it once a few months ago. It looks and smells as bad as it sounds.

Has carers but refuses all help or to cooperate with prompts, gentle coaxing and encouraging. Will not listen to or cooperate with anyone, and there is no one available to go in regularly except my husband (her son), and she's pretty hostile to him as it is.

She is one of those with Alzheimer's who unfortunately never accepted her diagnosis and it has brought up the worst traits in her...

Has anyone got any advice? 🙏

No ideas but joining you on the thread. Our DM isn’t as bad but it’s getting difficult. I managed to get her in the shower after we’d been out on a hot day by making a big thing of how a nice shower would cool us down and we went straight to the bathroom before she had time to sit down ( bungalow) . That was about a month ago. She’ll occasionally let our lovely carer wash her hair ‘cos they’re going somewhere nice’ or thankfully will still go with us to the hairdressers. She does wash her face though. So no ideas but sending sympathy !

Pick your battles.

It might be worth purchasing some bed bath wipes and seeing if she'll let you give her a little once over in places to cool her off. Perhaps make a big thing of how hot it is and how nice they feel cooling you down. Let her feel and play with one. Distract her whilst you're washing her arms with one or ask if she can get it under her arm. Lots of praise if she can and can woosh it around there to clean her armpits etc and then when she gets used to the wetness and the feeling perhaps produce a new night dress or top and make a big fuss of how lovely it is and how gorgeous she'd look and see if you can encourage her to let you give her a once over and change her into it or if she can be encouraged to do it with the wipes.

Before my grandad progressed to being really bad with his dementia he essentially wanted to just have a mum again and have things done for him and no decisions whatsoever. Encouraging and praising like he was a little boy and making plans for him was what clicked with him and I would get him to clean up with wet wipes when he was being difficult about washing by doing the above. It's knowing when to direct and when to distract that was the issue and that took some practice.

How are things now @Stevie77?

@Stevie77 - no solutions but I'm in the same situation with my parent. Obviously the carers can only encourage her to wash. It's difficult to get her to have her hair washed at the hairdressers as she doesn't understand what it's about. Could you have your hair washed at the hairdressers at the same time? It might encourage your MIL to do the same.

Hope everything goes well, it's not easy

No direct experience but a friend has. Her mum got frightened by the mirrors in the bathroom as she didn't recognise herself and thought someone was watching her in there. They removed the mirrors. It took a little work but within a week or so she was comfortable going back in. They got new bathroom products like a washcloth mitt that was already soaped in the packet and asked her mum to try it and give opinion for a new mum and her baby, and trying new scented wash to see if it would make a nice gift for someone.

No different really. She’s very good at rebuffing suggestions, absolutely will not let anyone physically help or cajole her, whether nicely or more assertively. It looks like she’s not even changing her underwear any more or brushing her teeth, so that’s where we are. At this point I think that even at a care home hey wouldn’t do much about it, so don’t think that kind of environment will help the situation.

We thought about the hairdresser, but she usually complains about her neck hurting in the hair wash chair. Last time the hairdresser only managed to wash her hair once before she jumped out of the chair, and it’s so bad and greasy it’ll definitely need at least two washes, if not more, to properly clean.

It's really tricky isn't it? Carers can only really suggest/encourage but my DGM with dementia would only do it if she was told she had to! She'd shower for a "right, time for a shower, in you get" approach, but any "would you like a shower this morning, DGM's name?" and she'd refuse.

For the hair, you could maybe try one of the no-rinse bath hats that you scrunch? Link. I don't know how you'd sell it to her, but she can sit up while it's done and it doesn't end up too wet so it shouldn't be too painful. I don't like those sinks much either, so I feel some sympathy there!