Elderly in laws needing more care - feeling scared

[CeciliaMars]

My in laws live near us and are 90. My father in law has Alzheimer's but in the early stages. My mum in law has more and more physical needs. At the moment they pay for a fair bit of help, but it's becoming more apparent that it's no where near enough. We both work full time and have 3 kids under 10. I am scared that their expectation is that we move in and look after them. They are not the easiest of people and I just can't see how it could possibly work, physically and emotionally. I'm feeling sick with worry about the future

People expect all sorts of things op, it doesn't mean you have to do them.

If you don't want to become their carer, don't. If you're asked to, politely say that it isn't possible to take on caring duties on top of work and the children.

Op just say no it's too much for me. Suggest to them that they ask for help from social services. If they refuse or are too stubborn then unfortunately not much you can doe

Do you or DH have LPOA for health and finance, OP?

Why do you feel they would expect you to move in and look after them? I worked in elderly care and that is absolutely not the norm. Do they come from a culture where that usually happens?

Blimey, how many 90 year old women have grandchildren who are below 10! That’s more than 80 years age difference.
When my mum died at 85, her eldest grandchild was 40, and her youngest was 29.

Now is the time to have several very frank conversations with your husband. Do not make the mistake in waiting until it's crisis point.

You have to be very clear about what you are willing to help with, and even more clear about the things you absolutely will not be helping with. With three children under 10, it would be completely unreasonable for your husband to expect much of anything from you. The chances are high that you will still have young children after both of your in-laws die. Your husband, his parents, and any siblings need to be making arrangements now, before things really start to go off the rails.

I am in my mid 40s and husband is 50. She was 40 when she had him. So we are in that classic sandwich situation.

Yes they're not English and I think culturally it is more expected than here in the UK. I barely have time to look after my own house let alone them and all their needs. They live in a huge property and have no intention on down sizing. But they're cash poor and can't pay for loads of care. I'm feeling really scared about the next few years.

I agree with talking to your husband, before a crisis hits. Point out to him that his father is failing mentally and his mum clearly needs more help. Help that you are not able to provide.
Do not be persuaded to help with the idea that it’s short term until arrangements are made. In my experience with both my own and DH parents, as their cognition goes, they can become extremely selfish.

Just keep reminding yourself that this is not your burden, not your responsibility, and never let yourself feel guilty about that.

Yes this, have the conversation now. There are other options and you might be worrying unnecessarily about the expectation being put on you, particularly as you have a large family of your own who need you.

My mum was 86 when she died, my dad 91, within 6 weeks of each other. Their 2 youngest gc were both 5, eldest about 35.

OP - my mum is in the same boat. My nan also pays a lot for home care now. She is on the verge of needing a home. She won't want to go into one but also doesn't want to live alone. The vast majority of people don't have the space or set up to be moving elderly relatives into their homes. You say no. There is nothing wrong with moving into a home, I'm not sure why people are scared of it. My nan won't want a home but she LOVES spending the day at the local day care place 🤷‍♀️ She loves being with everyone. It's a real issue from years ago I think that it's a bad thing. It really isn't. You don't need to be scared - you tell them it can't happen.

Are they both claiming attendance allowance?
It is about £85-105 a week each. The form is long but the threshold is quite low and they can use it to pay for care. My DM had a dementia diagnosis and I claimed and then the hospital sent someone to do a home assessment who said that my father was also likely to be eligible and they did his claim.

Think you definitely need to have a frank conversation with your DH immediately. Be honest & open about how you feel. Definitely don’t get pushed into anything ever. Are you worried because you feel he’ll consider agreeing through guilt or duty?

If it is the same all over the UK, then they should not be paying council tax due to dementia diagnosis. Also, check the water company for a reduction.
Might free up a bit more money.

Your DH needs to be having some frank conversations with them about downsizing to pay for care. It's only going to get harder the longer they leave it.

They can expect all they like, he needs to make it clear what help HE can offer and draw the line.

Yes I too thought that- an 80 year gap! That’s massive.
maybe the parents in both cases were reasonably Middle aged before having children.

I agree that in any situation where you're feeling sick with worry, you need to talk to your life partner. Explain your worries. I wonder if you're concerned that he is making promises to them? Get these concerns out in the open. Because full-time care of two significantly disabled people is no joke, and of course should not be done by a couple who are already caring for 3 children, and at those children's expense.

It sounds as if they should consider moving into a nursing home together perhaps. One near to the most likely visitors. I would suggest that as a good solution.

With this thread moving along, you will get the idiots telling you just how you can manage, and how cruel you are not to do this.
We had the same type of thread last week, overrun with goady trolls.
Are you able to ignore them, and go with the good sense you have received so far?
If not, and this would upset you, I would get off the thread when they start, because they are coming.

@CeciliaMars Just say no.

You can’t be forced into caring duties

Dementia would be much harder than physical disabilities ( as long as Mil is small and lightweight.

But heavy lifting will destroy your back.

It has to be a Care home , surely.

I would expect full time working with 3 young children too much, 1 part time more ideal, never mind anything else!

They need to be realistic that they should downsize ( not easy at their age but needs must ) and use the money to pay for care if the income and benefits they have will not cover it.