Advice for a parent who hates everything’s

[Exasperateddonut]

I’m desperately trying my best with mum (vascular and Alzheimer’s diagnosis) - she hates everything, wants to be waited on hand and foot by her chosen people. Won’t engage in any activity, is relentlessly negative. Hates all food.

Ive tried everything. But she has no favourite TV programmes of the past, no favourite music, no real hobbies. Just nothing.

Im burnt out caring for her at home with dad (who isn’t much help- can’t or won’t deal with anything) but they won’t consider residential care as she’s hated the (absolutely beautiful and supportive - couldn’t ask for more) respite care that has turned out to be bloody expensive additional stress (because of refusal to engage)

It doesn’t help that she’s always been a little tricky and I’m in much needed therapy to address my need for validation and acceptance. It’s been a challenging relationship.

what the hell do you do? She comes out of respite shortly with no help at home organised. No desire or wishes to do anything. Just absolutely nothing. I’m broken.

Are social services involved?

They’ve been out. Said she doesn’t meet their threshold for intervention and try a day centre. Here is a list of care agencies. Pick one. 😭

This sounds absolutely awful.

Do you think she's depressed? Is it worth asking the GP to assess her mood? Would she consider medication?

What would be the best outcome for your Dad? It sounds like nothing is going to work for your mum.

It wouldn’t surprise me if she was depressed. The GP said to keep an eye on it and when her dementia medication was sorted we could look at antidepressants.

It’s just relentlessly awful.

Dad just wants his wife back. I just want to be treated with a bit of decency and not like I’m the spawn of Satan. I can do no right. If I’m not smiling then I’m clearly not pleased to see her and obviously hate her. If I’m chatty and smiling she tells me I’ve got a horrible smirk and of course I’d be happy because I forced her into a home.

I think dad being able to be her husband and not a carer is the best outcome. Weather thanks lots of help at home or residential I don’t know.

Has your dad been overall happier when she is in respite?

Are there any professional companion carers involved at home - to take some of the brunt off you? Without the pain of past relationships sone can be remarkable at building engagement.

I would update the GP on how bad things are and ask again about antidepressants tbh.

He’s been a lot more chilled. Not as exhausted. Sleeping and eating a lot better. Misses her and full of guilt but seems so much ‘better’

There are carers twice a week for a couple of hours but I’m going to have to get that increased.

Im going to ring the GP this morning and ask for a review.

Thank you all for listening. I do appreciate it. I guess so long as the anger and vitriol is only aimed at me mainly we can cope.