My Auntie has vascular dementia

[ThisDreamyTurtle]

My auntie was recently diagnosed with vascular dementia.
she and her husband (my uncle) have been together 56 years. Over the past few weeks she’s been forgetting things etc and been quite ill. Then a few days ago she was having lunch with him at home and started yelling at him saying she doesn’t know who he is and to get out. My mum went to collect her and took her to my other aunties house to calm down.
she’s now moved in with my other auntie and even when lucid she refuses to go back. She keeps saying she wants to sell the house.
my uncle has devoted his life to her, they are that couple you look at when deciding what you want in a relationship. He’s always held the door for her, bought her flowers, tells her she’s beautiful, brushed her hair etc when she was in hospital etc. he adores her and always has.
it’s been heartbreaking as he’s been crying saying he’s lost his love.
they’ve gone from enjoying their retirement together, to this in such a short amount of time.
he told her he loves her yesterday and her response was “how when I don’t even know you”

I feel so helpless. He has multiple health issues and I feel he’s going to deteriorate from the stress. She was all he had. He took on her children as his own when they got together, I’ve never seen any of his family so I presume he doesn’t have any. He’s of course always got us. But he’s in that house all alone heartbroken.

and my auntie is so poorly bless her. It must be so confusing and scary for her.

what a horrible disease.

Sorry for your situation, it's a horrible disease. It manifests in plateaus, so folks appear stable and then (sometimes with triggers) they'll lose faculties noticeably.
My father and his brother both reverted to their core character, uncle became a six-foot teddy bear, my dad became very angry and aggressive.
It's a cruel disease because you will occasionally get a glimmer of the the person you once knew, then the shutters come down and you suffer the loss all over again. A Dementia-Friends course is well worth the effort, the sufferer won't remember a conversation or activity, but if you take them somewhere for an ice cream, they will hang onto the feeling of happiness for a little while. Good luck.

Thankyou. Her whole personality has changed. It’s like she’s not herself now. And all of this has come on so quickly! I feel she may deteriorate very fast.
she looks extremely ill bless her.

sounds awful but I’d of rather she’d of passed. Because she’s finding each day distressing , she’s so confused, can’t do anything for herself etc. I know her true self would hate this. At least if she’d of passed peacefully she’d of not suffered. Instead she has to suffer until she dies now. And she doesn’t deserve that. She was such a wonderful person, she’d do anything for anyone! Everyone loved her, because she was such a genuinely kind person.
now she’s very irritable and mean.
feels like we’ve lost her but she’s still here.

and my uncle is broken. She’s his whole world. I can’t imagine it. The person you love so much just forgetting you in a split second and your life together is over.

sounds so silly but they came for tea every month. And last night I got so upset because they’ll never come for tea again. Like as a couple laughing together and all of us talking about happy memories etc. that’ll never happen again. They didn’t come last month as she’d been poorly so we left her to rest in peace. Now I wish I’d of just visited. And enjoyed that last time with her.

very sorry you’ve experienced this.

It's an unbearably cruel disease. I know of an elderly couple who went into a nursing home together- she had dementia and he was just frail and had physical issues. The wife ended up trying to get into bed with other residents as she didnt recognise her husband was her husband and obviously this distressed him greatly as she would ignore him and lavish attention on other men.

Its heartbreaking

Has she been assessed by her Gp for any acute illness that may have been the trigger for the very quick deterioration, and as you have said, she is looking ill. Obviously it may be the vascular dementia but sometimes it's worth getting it checked out, uti's particularly can cause issues.

Aww that’s awful :(

its so sad isn’t it how people just become someone else :(

She saw a GP a couple of weeks ago as she’s actually got issues with blood flow to her legs. They are now struggling to find a pulse in one of her legs so she’ll be seeing a specialist about that. Then went back when her memory etc changed and she was diagnosed with vascular dementia. So I think blood flow in general is a big problem. A couple of years ago she was in hospital with her heart.
I don’t think she’s going to be here much longer with how poorly she looks. I don’t know what meds they’ve given her or anything. So I’m unsure of her treatment if any.
I believe they’ll want to operate on her leg as obviously it’ll deteriorate without sufficient blood flow. I really don’t think she’ll wake up though she’s so frail.

I just hope she doesn’t have to suffer too long. She’s in her 80s bless her.

My dm had VD, it was awful to see. People with this illness usually die within 4 years of diagnosis, (sorry I know that's hard to hear). It goes in jumps, you'll see rapid deterioration and then it will remain stable for a number of months then another jump down. Speak to your gp and also social services for help. My dm ended up in a specialist nursing home (paid for by the nhs) as my df had a heart attack (probably because of the stress), and wasn't able to look after her.

It's such a horrid horrid thing to happen, and you're right, people do go through a personality change. Your poor uncle must be in bits.

@ThisDreamyTurtle It sounds like your Auntie is experiencing Capgras Syndrome. It can happen with dementia patients.

There are techniques to help - things like the person (your Uncle) going out and coming back in different clothes/hat etc and, maybe meeting in a different setting - if you google you will find that there is info which hopefully can help more.

It may help to think that your Auntie would desperately want to see your uncle to feel safe but she likely thinks that the person she is seeing is an intruder/imposter pretending to be him. It's obviously upsetting for everyone and I'm really sorry and hope things improve soon.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Capgras_delusion

Thankyou I’ll have a look into that! I’ve never heard of that but it does sound accurate!

So sorry you’ve had to go through that. It’s awful seeing people you love deteriorate.

i don’t think she’ll do 4 years to be honest, I’ll be surprised if she’s here at Christmas with how quick it’s all come on , and her other health issues.

sounds awful, but I’d rather that. Because at least she wouldn’t be suffering every day like she is now.

my gran in law has dementia too but hers came on really slowly , and she mainly forgets simple things, like she’ll ask how work has been, then ask again a few moments later as she’s forgotten she’s already asked. Or she’ll say odd things. Like she’ll say my 7 year old son was in her room last night etc reading her a book. When he hasn’t as he was at home. So we just play along and she’s calm and happy. shes 96! , so seeing my auntie, younger than her and way worse, was quite shocking. I really didn’t know dementia could look like that.
suppose we learn new things all the time.

There are many forms of dementia - I think Alzheimer's has a gradual, more continuous decline. The jarring changes in a short time can make symptoms easier to spot. It's nice if the sufferer returns to a happy memory, I remember a lady who told the same story repeatedly about her mischievous 5 or 6 year-old son's behaviour the previous day, clueless that he was the bald man in his sixties, patiently holding her hand.
An obscure relative has the benign symptom that she has no memory of anyone who has ever done her harm - she just can't recognise them. It's beneficial most of the time, but a former neighbour with whom there was much bad blood started working in her care home, so they need to be kept apart.

I think it's a very steep learning curve when you have a loved one with Dementia and it's hard.

Your DU will be suffering incredibly. He will feel grief for losing the love of his life but may also feel guilt hit not being able to help her.

Do encourage him to try and be social. I'd still try and get him to come for tea. Are there any groups he can go to locally? My DFIL attends a group for Men who have a DW/DP with Dementia or their DW/DP has recently died.

He also received some counselling through the local Carer's Hub.

How is the DA that's now providing care coping?