How Did You Manage to Get Parent into Care Home,

[Mercurial123]

My dad is stubborn and refuses to even consider going into a care home. Recently, he's had a TIA and fell down the stairs along with being incontinent and barely mobile. It's getting too much to cope with.

Does anyone have any advice? My mum thinks the only way is if he falls again, he could be transferred from hospital, assuming he's taken there.

TIA.

There are basically two ways.

One he changes his mind and goes in of his own accord.

Two he loses "capacity" ie the ability to decide for himself and someone else (usually SS or hospital decide for him).

In general people are assumed to have "capacity" by which is meant the ability to make their own decisions even if those decisions have bad consequences.

Many people prefer to be in their home environment rather than a care home so many people choose to stay at home until it gets really bad.

In practice most people do enter a care home of their own choice, usually after a crisis that makes it obvious to them that they aren't coping.

As pp said, there is usually an event that makes people realise it’s a good idea. For MIL it was indeed a fall. For FIL it was a hospital stay and the hospital didn’t want to discharge him home.

you have my sympathies. This is a very difficult stage. But it will not last forever.

I would get social care involved. There is an high risk of carer breakdown and although rightly so that capacity is presumed, however going off the information you have provided I would be completing a mental capacity assessment to see if he can make a decision about how and where his care needs can be appropriately met. If he is assessed as lacking mental capacity a best interest decision can be made. However he cannot be force into a care home so a application to court might be needed. Whether he has capacity or not the sw should look at if further support can be put in place to mitigate any risks prior to considering a care home.

With my FIL it was when he had a bad day with two falls and incontinence and MiL, just for a moment, didn’t manage to hide how much of a struggle it was. He realised the impact caring for him was having on her and went into a care home two weeks later.

I think every time within our family it's been from hospital - always mainly arranged by family still but hospital and often social worker agreeing home not an option.

Has your mum tried Adult Social Services - they may assess or may have some help available - equally likely they won't but still may be worth a try.

I did manage to get my mother into a very good care home but then she kept asking when she was going home. Her home had been sold to pay for the fees.

I would ask if she had her key and she would spend ages trying to find her purse and then eventually her key. I would then ask if the doctor had said she could go home and she would look puzzled. I would cheerfully say 'oh well when he does, you know that you have your key'.

I don't normally lie but it was kinder.

He agreed to go to a Day Centre attached to the Care Home.

One day MIL didn't take him home and he went in for respite.

At the end of the 2 weeks respite MIL didn't take him home.

The Care Home said this method was very common.

If the pressure on your mum is getting too much she could sit down and have a conversation with him.

Or you could.

It will be a brutal conversation, most people who are ill don't want to accept it is too much for family members to care for them.

Only had one relative go into a care home. She had Dementia and had started with Delirium thinking that there were people trying to break in and kill her.

We phoned 111 as she was trying to run away constantly, understandable though if you think there's someone in the house trying to finish you off.

111 said to take her to A&E and a very nice Geriatrician admitted her and tried very hard to find out the cause of the delirium.

When it came to discharge it was clear to everyone that 4 care visits a day would not be sufficient to keep her safe so she was transferred to a local care home.

My MIL (dementia)went from hospital. Originally for a respite place, but she stayed.

My mum had no option. Again admitted from hospital, but her physical care needs (her stroke left her paralysed, though mentally she was okay) that there really was no option of ever coming home and living independently.

Thanks, everyone, for your experiences. It's heartbreaking for everyone going through this or has been through it. Social Services haven't been of much use. My dad will never go into a care home. He's always been selfish, and he's also an alcholic. My mum buys it for him. I'm guessing the only way he will go is being transferred from hospital to the care home.

I suppose I can understand in a way why your DM woukd buy the alcohol, how is he either her if she refuses?

Has your DM had a Carer's Assessment?

Is the Continence service/nurse involved at all?

What happened when he fell down the stairs? Was 999 called?

@CadyEastman he's had an assessment, and someone comes in for a couple of hours a week, but my mum refuses more help as she says it's too expensive. She can afford it but doesn't want to pay.

The paramedics came after 5 hours and after an examination advised he didn't need to go to the hospital.

Without alcohol he's even more bad tempered. Not sure about the continence nurse will have to ask.