What am I doing wrong???

[Mrsmagoo22]

My DM was diagnosed with dementia about 2 years ago though strongly suspect she had it long before that.
We are doing what we can for her to stay as independent as possible in her own home for as long as possible.
I deal with all of her finances, shopping and cleaning which I do willingly. My DB deals with house maintenance, gardening etc so between us we're coping. I work part time, having reduced my hours to help her and have 2 teens at home so it is a juggling act.
For the last 6 months her attitude toward me has changed, she can be very hurtful, demanding and rude but it seems only toward me.
It has now got to the point where I won't see her unless someone else is there as she's perfectly fine then.
Not sure if this is relevant but we've never been close, growing up she was a good mum in most respects but never someone I could talk to, quite aloof really. Didnt show any emotion, head in the sand kind of person.
Is this sudden nastiness just part of the illness or could I doing something wrong as its aimed at me?

Hello there.

The progression of the illness can show in 'personality changes'. This isn't you, and it isn't Mum being deliberately horrible. It is the illness.

You are sensible to try to minimise the impact by not going there unaccompanied.

May I add add some advice, lots of us will have walked your path already.

Please try to get extra help in, a carer or two, a cleaner. Don't try and do it all on your own with your brother.

Do claim Attendance Allowance. Talk to the council about nil rating your Mum's home for council tax.

A time may come when your Mum's life is so small because of keeping her safe at home, whereas being placed in a nursing home with meaningful activities to enrich her life would be so much better for her. Don't let well-meaning others trap you into keeping Mum at home. We children of people with dementia are not experts in dementia care, we are just families floundering.

Bit of a ramble, hope it helps.

This disease is an absolute horror show. (hug)

My mil has gone the other way & is nicer to me & sil. However, we cannot get her to do anything at all & she is hardly leaving the sofa.

First post nails it. Very good post.

Talk to your local dementia charities too. The local dementia advisor here has bern invaluable.

This. All of this.

Especially the bit about not being wedded to keeping her in her own home. The company and stimulation of a good care home can be very beneficial, and a move before it is necessary is almost always more successful than a crisis move.

Hi
Thank you so much for the replies.

I have claimed attendance allowance and exemption from council tax.
She is independent to the point that she can wash, dress and prepare very basic meals at the moment but her mobility is deteriorating quite quickly.
We've installed a careline and security camera.
I really do take on board about getting help and we both know we will get to this point, it's getting mum to accept the help that's the problem but from what I've read that's a common problem.
I have been in touch with cleaners and a gardener.
Her attitude is so hurtful when I'm doing all I can to help her. Think I need to grow a thicker skin.
It really is a horrible disease for all involved!!!!

It's not for dementia but Annalisa Barbieri's podcast on difficult older relatives I found helpful.

Ww cannot get our in-laws to accept much help & my own DM is managing by a thread, so I know it is very hard.

It's probably not any consolation, but I usually find that it's the person at the forefront of the person with dementia's mind who gets the brunt of any negative emotions.

When cognition starts to deteriorate, and someone can't reason out cause and effect anymore, "their person" is the one constant. So the cause of every problem is you. The solution to every problem is also you. If you're with them, they get angry with you and if you go away they ring you incessantly until you come back.

They can't help it and even if you care for them perfectly, it will still happen. So have a good think about how much of the negativity you can manage, and make plans to outsource support when you reach that point.

The 'you're getting attendance allowance, you have to spend it on care' argument sometimes works with people who are resistant to paying for help.

If she never rated you - some kind of externalising to make up for her own inadequacies, perhaps? - then her having to depend on you won't sit well with her, so perhaps she is overcompensating to feel top dog again. This can happen be it dementia or not, it's filed under the 'never a good deed goes unpunished' heading. My dad helped his father buy a house back in the day - my paternal grandfather never forgave him it seems, and spent the next few decades bitching about him to his brother and the rest of the family.

That all said, my own dad was a difficult character to us for most of his life, bit of a split personality, turned increasingly loveable as dementia took over, so yes the personality can change either way.

Even when the Beatles fell out a bit in 69, George Harrison hit upon the idea of having someone like Billy Preston join them in the studio so they would more likely to be on their best behaviour, so yes, maybe arrange more often than not to have someone else around when you visit, or put some music on the turntable, that kind of thing.

I take it you've done the LPA in Health and Welfare/Finance thing, if not do.

Thank you for this. I'll definitely have a listen

Some good words of advice so thank you. No one who hasn't been through this with a loved one truly gets it but I am sorry there are so many having to go through it.

We have LPA's in place both for health and finance. Sometimes I find it easier to do these kind of things to help with the situation so we're all sorted from a financial aspect.
I really like the idea of telling her the attendance allowance has to be used for support so I'll use this to talk to her about getting some help.

Its all just so sad, watching her getting worse and more dependent. She obviously takes her frustration out on me and I try to understand how confusing and scary her world has become. Maybe I get frustrated too and she picks up on this. I struggle with the guilt that I can't make it all ok for her.

Posting here has helped and I know the situation will only get worse so need to focus on finding ways to manage this to help not only mum but us as well.
Thank you for taking the time to reply.....

The way I'm dealing with it is to tell myself it's like it's a job. Commute, work, listen, do the most pressing things, come home. Have a bath & a decompress, works well.

I've even allocated myself a line manager, which is my sister, but I haven't told her. 😁

What a great mindset!

I've even allocated myself a line manager, which is my sister, but I haven't told her.

That's excellent.

I like this, I'll give it a go. Realise I need to take a step back emotionally to deal with this and keep my sanity.

Of course, along with dementia there are things like a urinary tract infection or low sodium levels that can send an elderly relative into 'nuts' mode - but is not in itself dementia, the former can be cured with a stint of antibiotics, the latter with a couple of nights on a drip in hospital.

Cranberry juice can keep the former at bay, though if they have a UTI then it has to be antibiotics.