Father with Dementia and living in another country

[ChangedNick]

Don't know what to do or how I feel, whether i should post here or in Elderly Parents or relationships or stately homes... apologies for huge post. I don't know what I want from here... just to info dump... get thoughts in order?

Early 50s and parents early 80s

I live in the UK and my parents are in my European home country. I have been here for 25 years+

Growing up I was the black sheep, sibling golden child, father emotionally abusive to everyone, mother stayed goodness knows why. Mother enabled him - I may seem callous but i say she made her bed

Mother has physical issues but mind still seems ok
Father has dementia but refuses to acknowledge it. he is still driving and is a freaking danger.

Sibling also lives abroad but visited recently and went with him to doctors. One doctor agreed he won't sign the letter to renew the drivers license but there is nothing we can do more - I have tried phoning the equivalent to the DVLA and they said it has to be the doctor

Behaviours seem to be turned up to 11... aggressiveness, abusiveness, paranoia all turned up to 11

Makes my mother use bells on her legs like a fucking cat as her appearing behind him startled him - but lets not mention the hearing aids he spend 2000 euros on and doesn't use.

I feel bad that i don't fucking care. My partner says I can't blame everything on my father and need to take responsibility - I moved fucking countries and went low contact, grey rock and to be honest only kept in touch because of my mother. what else could i have done?

I have ND children, I am on the waiting list as I believe I am ND myself but no one cared enough to notice and take me to a doctor. I have to look after them and their treatments and all the while working full time.

Golden sibling is now saying "i am not dealing with everything alone" but i don't want to deal with anything. I have my children to worry about - not some emotional distant aggressive twat who ignored me, mistreated me and then suddently when I had children became interested? fuck that. i am not subjecting my children to the same abuse and I am glad they don't speak the language.

I have dark dark thoughts. I think the best thing would be for him to crash the blooming car into a wall - alone as it's not my mother's fault.

I have been telling him on the weekly phone calls to stop driving for ages. Even the garage has started stalling fixing the car (fortunately up to now only has been lampposts being hit)
the weekly phone calls are a chore. being told off like i was 14. being talked at... took 5 minutes and 35 seconds before I could say we had covid back in the day - I timed it...

i don't like having dark thoughts and wishing the worst. But i have to look after and protect my children. they are my priority. how can i make myself care more?

How can i find the energy and executive function when I don't even feel comfortable speaking the language any more. when i just wanted a clean break when i moved and was made to feel guilty for not being in touch more?

I feel like i am bad, a whole life of being bad and rude and now am i? really? because i don't care?

[NoBinturongsHereMate]

My partner says I can't blame everything on my father and need to take responsibility 

Responsibility for what?

how can i make myself care more?

You are under no obligation to care. In either the emotional or practical sense.

[Deathbyathousandcats]

You don’t have to care, and you’re not a bad person for feeling like you do.

[ChangedNick]

@NoBinturongsHereMate

My partner says I can't blame everything on my father and need to take responsibility 

Responsibility for what?

how can i make myself care more?

You are under no obligation to care. In either the emotional or practical sense.

Responsibility for everything. My partner thinks I use my dad as an excuse but he doesn't realise that lifetime of being put down and emotional abuse can have repercussions even when I'm an adult

Thanks