Should I just go with the flow?

[Leeds3]

Looking for advice. DM has vascular dementia. She now seems to be in a relatively calm stage with daily crying bouts (misses her mum and dad) Her mobility is now impaired and she doesn't walk well. We got her a wheelchair but she doesn't like going in it as she feels self conscious. She rarely leaves the house and is in the constant company of my dad, who's caring for her.
I worry about the impact on both of them and have tried to encourage mum to come out with me from time to time so they both get a break from one another. Mum is resistant to coming out and insists she's happy at home. If dad goes out alone she starts to panic and cry.
Should I persist in trying to encourage her to leave the house or do I just need to accept that she feels safe there and she will be housebound from now on?

I would say she feels safe within her home, taking her out will cause anxiety as she is being removed from what she is familiar with.

It may different with your mum, but my dad varied day to day. So maybe keep offering but if she feels safer at home then go with the flow.

Also, is there an Admiral Nurse or someone similar who could sit with your mum whilst your dad went out? My mum got respite one day a week (self funded, but invaluable to her)

She needs to feel safe
She feels safe at home
She is scared of getting lost when she is out. Her brain can't process the stimulation of being somewhere new.
Get your dad linked in with carer support and respite. The impact of her being housebound is your dad is as well.

My (widowed) mother was the same. She’d never been much of a one for going out anyway, but became almost agoraphobic. In the beginning I would still try to take her out, but half a mile down the road she’d be in a panic about doors, windows, gas, etc. (although we’d already checked everything) and I’d have to take her back.

Before I’d cottoned on that such things don’t work with dementia (or at least not with her) I’d actually made some printed checklists with all the doors, windows, gas listed, and spaces to show that both of us had checked and ticked them off.

Even with one of these on her lap in the car, she’d still get in a tizz and I’d have to take her back.
Talk about learning the hard way! You’d think I’d have realised, having tried similar with FiL (answers to the same questions he was asking over and over and over) - we actually made him a laminated sheet - that had no effect whatsoever. 🙁

If going out is a source of anxiety for her, I would focus on getting some support for her at home so that your Dad gets some time to himself.

One of the most useful people we had when my Dad had dementia was a lady who came for a morning a week and sat with Dad. Mum still had to be in the house but this lady sat and chatted with Dad and reassured/diverted him when he went looking for Mum in the house. Like your Mum, Dad panicked if Mum wasn't there. I think we found her via a local dementia group.